Good-morning/Good-afternoon,
I am not sure about writing this. I don't know if i'll be receiving answers anyway. I don't know even if i want answers or i'm just writing it to relieve myself.
Btw, my language is not English, sorry for errors. Oh and that may not be the only reason i may make mistakes as you know.
Okay, there are son many things. But i'll start here :
I want to go away from my home. I don't wanna call it "running away" but that's how it will seam to m family and others... disgusting, how others judge your actions as if they have a share in your life.
Don't worry i'm not in that angry hate state of mind. I know what i am talking about. It's something else.
I just realized this will take some time. And plus, my fingers are shaking (not from writing this but just... i don't know)
Are you bored ? Do you feel guilty for not caring to know the rest ? Don't worry, i feel that too sometimes.
Do you dislike reading other's problems ? Do you fear they might contaminate you with there fears ?
Are you scared you might induce bad ideas into you head ?
So i was saying that i wanna go away from this kind of life. I already wanted to do that when i was young, but, you know, i was young, naive and cared and listened to what my parents told me. But the thing is, i knew better than them ! I should've stayed who i was ! I shouldn't have given them my anger, my hate, my sadness, my life, my mind. Oooh but, i can't blame myself, i know too much how it feels when you are incapable, tired, scared, alone.
What will i do ? I'm afraid i will ruin my life if i go. And WHERE ? HOW ? With what ? Really, i thought i was better than this, i still thin that but... where's the sign ? where's the change ? where's the hope and the happiness ? There are two meanings to me wanting to go. Did you guess ? One, is changing my life and two, is leaving it. No worries, i'm a moral person, believe me, i wouldn't want to go to hell, i don't want to anger God.
The suicide thing won't happen, it won't, it won't. I... yesterday for the first time i had... i just had a rush about jumping from the window after getting the regular screaming from my mother (i expected it.. This women is sick, sad, liked to create problems without problems but instead of getting help
Ow, the filthy neighbor above my room just threw garbage from his window. I swear ! How can such stupidity exist, how ?! I am sick with dp dr and much more but still, and thank god, i didn't change in that way. I am a bit of a maniac in property (and struggling for ages with them), now i will feel as if dust is entering my room. And actually, it does ! And my bed is in the side of the window so...
Don't be afraid to stay yourself even if everyone around you is different. Trust me, you'll regret it later, when you realise it was stupid. I did. I am still trying to remember myself.
This morning, and since a lot of time, i had the feeling that going outside is better than staying at home, and light didn't bother me a lot.
And no, don't picture that i live in a dangerous poor neighboring and stuff. It's okay, we get to eat pies and nutella and go out sometimes hhhhhh. Aaah but even with this, i don't like there way of living, or the way they consider food and things and clothes.
God ! You know, i never cared about what others thought about me or about who i was or what i was wearing. But my mother induced in my head since a child that i should ! And i know, i knew, that the real me isn't that. I know for sure, that if i go away, if i leave these influences and this tiring, boring and stupid mode of life, i'd be better.
They just follow the society they are in. I was born in the wrong place. I keep asking God the meaning of all this. I was a sensible person, that instead of progressing in a good way and becoming the better version of me, was kept under her true nature, her true capacities, never felt complete, always wanted something different, something inaccessible, something new, something that my parents kept saying was not for people like us. But why did they include me in there "us", i was never and i will never (i hope) be like them. When they said it, it wasn't to bring me "down" (although it did, and had more repercussions) but to "keep my feet on land" like they always repeated over and over as i grew. I always controlled myself from going crazy, so i got extreme sadness instead. That rage i have... But i learned. I learned when i was a child. I am trying to recover and recuperate the wise me.
I suffer from this living, as always, and i got used to it, but it still kills me. I hate it when days pass rapidly without me achieving or at least learning anything and the ressemblance between them. I always believed that my life was more.
I don't wanna write more, i'm hungry, i have some things to do... And plus, they said "introduced yourself" and i'm telling whatever.
Have a good day, i hope we all breath.
I am not sure about writing this. I don't know if i'll be receiving answers anyway. I don't know even if i want answers or i'm just writing it to relieve myself.
Btw, my language is not English, sorry for errors. Oh and that may not be the only reason i may make mistakes as you know.
Okay, there are son many things. But i'll start here :
I want to go away from my home. I don't wanna call it "running away" but that's how it will seam to m family and others... disgusting, how others judge your actions as if they have a share in your life.
Don't worry i'm not in that angry hate state of mind. I know what i am talking about. It's something else.
I just realized this will take some time. And plus, my fingers are shaking (not from writing this but just... i don't know)
Are you bored ? Do you feel guilty for not caring to know the rest ? Don't worry, i feel that too sometimes.
Do you dislike reading other's problems ? Do you fear they might contaminate you with there fears ?
Are you scared you might induce bad ideas into you head ?
So i was saying that i wanna go away from this kind of life. I already wanted to do that when i was young, but, you know, i was young, naive and cared and listened to what my parents told me. But the thing is, i knew better than them ! I should've stayed who i was ! I shouldn't have given them my anger, my hate, my sadness, my life, my mind. Oooh but, i can't blame myself, i know too much how it feels when you are incapable, tired, scared, alone.
What will i do ? I'm afraid i will ruin my life if i go. And WHERE ? HOW ? With what ? Really, i thought i was better than this, i still thin that but... where's the sign ? where's the change ? where's the hope and the happiness ? There are two meanings to me wanting to go. Did you guess ? One, is changing my life and two, is leaving it. No worries, i'm a moral person, believe me, i wouldn't want to go to hell, i don't want to anger God.
The suicide thing won't happen, it won't, it won't. I... yesterday for the first time i had... i just had a rush about jumping from the window after getting the regular screaming from my mother (i expected it.. This women is sick, sad, liked to create problems without problems but instead of getting help
Ow, the filthy neighbor above my room just threw garbage from his window. I swear ! How can such stupidity exist, how ?! I am sick with dp dr and much more but still, and thank god, i didn't change in that way. I am a bit of a maniac in property (and struggling for ages with them), now i will feel as if dust is entering my room. And actually, it does ! And my bed is in the side of the window so...
Don't be afraid to stay yourself even if everyone around you is different. Trust me, you'll regret it later, when you realise it was stupid. I did. I am still trying to remember myself.
This morning, and since a lot of time, i had the feeling that going outside is better than staying at home, and light didn't bother me a lot.
And no, don't picture that i live in a dangerous poor neighboring and stuff. It's okay, we get to eat pies and nutella and go out sometimes hhhhhh. Aaah but even with this, i don't like there way of living, or the way they consider food and things and clothes.
God ! You know, i never cared about what others thought about me or about who i was or what i was wearing. But my mother induced in my head since a child that i should ! And i know, i knew, that the real me isn't that. I know for sure, that if i go away, if i leave these influences and this tiring, boring and stupid mode of life, i'd be better.
They just follow the society they are in. I was born in the wrong place. I keep asking God the meaning of all this. I was a sensible person, that instead of progressing in a good way and becoming the better version of me, was kept under her true nature, her true capacities, never felt complete, always wanted something different, something inaccessible, something new, something that my parents kept saying was not for people like us. But why did they include me in there "us", i was never and i will never (i hope) be like them. When they said it, it wasn't to bring me "down" (although it did, and had more repercussions) but to "keep my feet on land" like they always repeated over and over as i grew. I always controlled myself from going crazy, so i got extreme sadness instead. That rage i have... But i learned. I learned when i was a child. I am trying to recover and recuperate the wise me.
I suffer from this living, as always, and i got used to it, but it still kills me. I hate it when days pass rapidly without me achieving or at least learning anything and the ressemblance between them. I always believed that my life was more.
I don't wanna write more, i'm hungry, i have some things to do... And plus, they said "introduced yourself" and i'm telling whatever.
Have a good day, i hope we all breath.
