So i forgot about my first bout of dp after almost 1 year. (Mariuana induced)
I was funciotning normally (worked, graduated from university) Then i started smoking again (fuckin stupid that i am) and after 6 months i started getting panicky highs and DP fuckin hit me again.
[Now this is not even comparable to what it used to be.
Please help me get some clarity on this.]
The previous time i had dp it was full blown with all the COMMON symptoms.
When i looked into the mirror i saw a stranger (HUMAN) which slowly faded and i delved back into a kind of person again and started knowing myself a bit after a year or so.
Now after this second shock (after exatcly 1 month) as i have obssesed about so many things,
When i look in the mirror i see a strange CREATURE.
I don't feel like a human anymore. I didn't recognize myself when i was first confronted with dp Now i'm afraid of what i am.
I used to ask who i am back then. And it went away. Now i'm asking What the fuck i am?
Just an awareness in a strange body that looks like those of animals and insects. ( sometimes i get scared of my body parts comparing them with those of insects and animals and that feels weird and scarry)
And these thoughts scare me to death. But when i'm not focused on those perspectives about my body, other fears cripple me.
It feels like i MAY deeply believe that i don't deserve to be a human. Or something like that.
This fuckin scares me.
And the fact that with this second bout of dp, it just doesn't feel like a dream. It feels like a dream in which i am drunk or high in it. Super super dreamy. I'm so distant and detached that view humans as a total outsider. Like i'm a zombie/alien or something. I have lost THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION with people and with myself totally. That makes me depressed because i think how can another creature that looks scarry to me sometimes, help me get back into my body and reality again. (I can't feel safe around anyone)
I can get afraid of anything. Like my family, colors, patterns, sounds, people, animals, fonts
Anything can scare the fuck outta me when i automatically let it to. It feels like i don't have anything to rely on (totally floating in a ocean) as a personality or past (i'm not connected to my past at all)
I'm a highly creative person (painter, music producer, peot, ...) and my creativity is now the worst enemy of me.
Sometimes i get scared of people who are talking to me because i'm so detached and they may appear bigger or smaller as i can't focus on them like before.
I want my previous level of DP back. This is unbearable. I'm stuck in my bed freakin about my body parts)
I don't see or hear any hallucinations or delusions BUT 100% detached from Emotional Human Experience. I'm afraid i might lose it completely.
I don't have speech problems so far but sometimes my voice scares me and i just pause my speaking.
It feels like fear and sadness are my only active emotions right now.
I can't meditate anymore because when i focus on my body i compare it to a body of a cockroach (which i always had a fear/hatred of before dp) or some strange creature and it creeps me out.
The problem is that the world around is so scary and weird (i'm basically scared of myself how can i not be scared of the world outside?)
1_Is this the worse dp can get?
2_Or i'm going schizophrenic? (My psychology doc said it's dissociation not schizo)
3_have you experienced this much terror?
4_have you seen anyone on the forum having these types of fears?
I basically don't know if i'm highly scared overally and that is the root of my fears or that i'm fuckin going nuts? I have a fuckin weird perception right now. Like those of Tim Burton movies. A surreal fuckin dreamland.
Hey there!
Let me start by saying I really understand your feeling and that my heart goes out to you.
Did you read Kafka's "The metamorphosis"? seems like you two share something in common.
There's many advices you can get about this situation. I will try to focus on what I think is the most useful:
1. First, don't identify yourself with your symptoms. If you had a flue or a stomach ache you would'nt have done so. Know that is it the same: symptoms of some illness that will go away eventually. It;s a temporary condition and it will go like it came. If you KNOW this it will ease the unbearable current situation.
2.I am an artist and highly creative person as well. I know that being deep in DP makes it sometimes very hard to create, but I think you have an incredible TOOL here that many others unfortunately dont have : Use art to connect to your fears and to use them as a substance for your creation .This is one of the most therapeutic powers I know. I was on the verge of death till I decided to make art of it. I'm not saying it will make things vanish, but it will at least give the current situation meaning, and as Nietzsche once said: If u have "what for" you can bare almost any "how".
3. DP is mostly caused by a severe amount of stress: try to reduce it as much as possible and create for yourself, as much as u can, a calm loving supporting environment to be in. Talk everything out.
4. Dont be afraid to confront your fears. This does'nt mean you have to meditate about them all day, but try to embrace them as part of your artistic phenomenon (and it is. if u look at it in the eyes of an observer from the outside). When you begin to work with it, rather than against it, you will find great relief, I assure you. It's not easy, and it's not a one way direction, I can say that I have moments where I succeed more and moments where I succeed less, and so will you probably, so it's important to be aware of this fluid nature of the sensations and to have compassion for your self and not give up when it gets too hard. It will pass. allow it to be meantime.
Wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
David
