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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi

I'm Adam.

Been in a deep depression for around 2-3 years and its been getting worse everyday, I didnt really get much satisfaction from anything anymore but I was atleast somewhat interested/motivated with things.

Around april/may everything changed.

I was in my head more than usual, random thoughts, was hard to control. Got home couldn't really concentrate on tv thinking, that persisted.

Started sometimes making up/ imagining conversations before I have them, was able to stop myself from doing it though

Over the next week emotions dropped, I stopped being interested in anything, no motivation or drive or wants. It then turned into me obsessing over getting better everyday every thought, what could it be, whats making me worse. Each time i googled any found a symptom or potential illness I would panic and my head would ache and burn, gradually as I kept googling over the days it didn't seem to bother me as much but made me progressively worse.

There was a day early in that I got out, I was back to normal for a day then I thought about it and slipped back into it, then closer to june I was back to normal for a day or so, and just played games all day, probably should of done something else. Then next day I was back in it.

Then I found out about dp in april, diagnosed myself with that and my head started aching again, vision went a bit blurred.
After then started getting symptoms of dp, voice not sounding like it was mine despite recognising it, hands didn't seem like mine.

One day I noticed this feeling where it was like recognising my own consciousness, I tried to recognise it more and forced it thinking it will be a way back to normal but it only made me worse.

It was like wasnt looking through my own eyes, like I was zoomed out were usually i felt zoomed in and connected with mulyself and things.

Since then I have become more and more disconnected with myself.

Everyday I was constantly questioning myself, and trying to get back to how I used to look at things like is this how I used to do this, is this how my hands used to look, my legs etc.

My voice and actions/movement dont sound like my own. Like some strangers even though i know its mine, like its not coming from my mouth.

Persistent music playing in head.

On 15th October went to for an evaluation to see what I may have, was told I may have psychosis. At that moment I went worse, something in may brain made switched off head went numb and the music in head wasn't in the background anymore and cant seem to shut it off since then, lost the ability to want to do stuff/drive, cant think properly, every action now is more like asking myself shall I do this instead of being automatic.

Completely lost ability to concentrate, my vision is clear but I can't get engrossed in anything, zoom in to things and have that thing be my only focus, like watching tv or games, I just like looking at the screen but not really taking much in, mostly just over thinking in my head while doing it.

I have no concept of boredom now really, I can just sit there all day pretty much looking at tv, a few months back Iwould get fed up and play something else or something, even my brain would tell me its had enough.

Was later evaluated by psychosis team and was told It wasn't that. Currently waiting to see a therapist.

Have gradually lost identity since then, don't know who i am, recognise reflection but have no connection, sense of self is gone. Don't recognise my own consciousness any more.

Keep telling myself of my own symptoms but since I don't recognise my own consciousness anymore i cant recognise my own thoughts, even though i know they are mine they don't feel like it. Feels like i am talking to myself in my head rather than thinking naturally, like ill ask myself should I go down stairs whereas usually that would be a automatic decision, its as if im completely out of sync.

When I tell myself of my own symptoms its almost as if I dissociate like im making up that im telling someone else of them, I sometimes make up conversations before I start them, keep thinking of memories and saying thinking i remember that. I used to be able to cut the off and stop such thoughts outright, now I can't, it's as control has been taken from me and I can't remember how to do it anymore. Nothing feels natural it feels like i have completely lost myself.

Going to bed I don't have the same feeling as Im used to, I can go asleep but its as if my brain won't relax or shutoff, like somethings stopping it from letting go. When I wake up in bed and lie there it's like im in some dream type state that I can't snap out of, random dream thoughts etc.

Basically I have only got progressively worse and I don't know what to do, I was fine beforehand although before all this I've had a deep sadness that I have never really tackled I have ignored it and let it persist, going on with my go to work then home then back to work life.
When this all kicked off my sadness dissappeared, I'm guessing this is whats put me in this state aswell as my anxiety.

I don't really have anxiety anymore, not really worried about things, feel completely disconnected from myself, constantly looking back saying I used to do this. When i look through my eyes its kind of as if Im looking back at my own consciousness and my brain wondering who the fucks this?

Just want to get back to normal and in a way worried that I wont get ME back that I forgotten who I am completely and these symptoms aren't dp and of something else like did, or schizo I don't want it to turn into such a thing.

Currently still waiting to see therapist as mentioned before, het appointment had been cancelled twice. I have really needed more help than ever this month yet I haven't, but I always could of done more about things but let them persist, I guess that part of me is still intact anyway.

If you read all this I appreciate it, please get back to me if you can.

Thanks

Adam.
 

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Yes, it sounds like you have DP or DR or a combination of both. Look up anhedonia, and see if that rings true to you.
Good news, is you are aware there is something not right, which pretty much rules out any serious mental conditions. It's good to see somebody, they can help reassure you. I know this shit is scary.
Have you been on any psychiatric medications? This is where my DPDR stemmed from.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes, it sounds like you have DP or DR or a combination of both. Look up anhedonia, and see if that rings true to you.
Good news, is you are aware there is something not right, which pretty much rules out any serious mental conditions. It's good to see somebody, they can help reassure you. I know this shit is scary.
Have you been on any psychiatric medications? This is where my DPDR stemmed from.
Hi there, thanks for the response.

I haven't had any medication atall really apart from one sertraline tablet, it actually kicked off not long afterwards.

Basically I became depressed after a 5 month course of isotretinoin for acne, One day I felt ill and my head went numb, my emotions felt numbed and I panicked, after it I actually think I had DR during that what lasted a few weeks as I literally felt like I was the only person on the planet, sort of like that film with jim carey. It went away eventually just by letting it be, convinced myself it was bollocks and I was acting stupid.

That was around 3 years ago I think, ever since then depression has gotten worse.

I didn't seek any help, tried to do it on my own while trying to help my mother who has her own mental health issues.

Got to the point in April where I stopped getting satisfaction from anything near enough completely, so I ended up going the gp as I thought I couldn't do it alone anymore. Was provided with sertaline and took it, then next day read something up about isotretinoin reducing bloodflow to brain, thought i was permanently damaged and Id left it too long so I then panicked, didn't take sertraline again and it basically started from around there but was potentially coming on earlier as I have ignored my issues I guess.

I looked up anhedonia first and thought it was that initially, then found dp and I went worse. Prob a combination of both caused by neglecting the feelings I prob have locked away.

Hopefully they can reassure me as a when I got told i may have physchosis it was as if I let go of what control I had and stopped fighting like I gave up, now I have only gotten worse from that point and I cant eve get hope back like I used to from reading success stories, don't even have the fear or anxiety anymore

Sorry if I've rambled a bit I haven't really who understands this.

Thanks

Adam.
 

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I get it, no need to apologize. It's a lonely feeling. Perhaps the loneliest feeling. When I described what I was going through to my psychiatrist he asked a few questions and told me what it was. Then explained it as a perception and not a mental illness. He explained to me that the fact that I was aware of what was going on was good, that it ruled out a mental illness and classified it as a perception. There is little known about its cause And it isn't very well understood. A therapist should be helpful in helping you maybe understand why this might be happening as well as some techniques to control it. Sounds like you could use a little talk therapy, nothing wrong with that. Just be as brutally honest with him or her as you can and it helps.
I don't personally have much advice to give you, as I am just scratching this myself. But I hope It helps that I do relate with most everything you've described and seriously doubt you're "loosing it" in anyway.
One bit of advice that I can give you, is, be very leery of medications, especially psychiatric medications, but really any medications. Doctors love to treat with pills and sadly most patients don't like doing the work and will gladly accept that pill. My spiral downward started with a Klonopin Rx for a hand tremor.
Hope you sort this out soon and get comfortable in life again.
Good luck to you.
 

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Hopefully they can reassure me as a when I got told i may have physchosis it was as if I let go of what control I had and stopped fighting like I gave up, now I have only gotten worse from that point and I cant eve get hope back like I used to from reading success stories, don't even have the fear or anxiety anymore

Sorry if I've rambled a bit I haven't really who understands this.

Thanks

Adam.[/quote]I tried to message you but it didn't work. You don't have psychosis. You're worried about your symptoms wich is normal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I get it, no need to apologize. It's a lonely feeling. Perhaps the loneliest feeling. When I described what I was going through to my psychiatrist he asked a few questions and told me what it was. Then explained it as a perception and not a mental illness. He explained to me that the fact that I was aware of what was going on was good, that it ruled out a mental illness and classified it as a perception. There is little known about its cause And it isn't very well understood. A therapist should be helpful in helping you maybe understand why this might be happening as well as some techniques to control it. Sounds like you could use a little talk therapy, nothing wrong with that. Just be as brutally honest with him or her as you can and it helps.
I don't personally have much advice to give you, as I am just scratching this myself. But I hope It helps that I do relate with most everything you've described and seriously doubt you're "loosing it" in anyway.
One bit of advice that I can give you, is, be very leery of medications, especially psychiatric medications, but really any medications. Doctors love to treat with pills and sadly most patients don't like doing the work and will gladly accept that pill. My spiral downward started with a Klonopin Rx for a hand tremor.
Hope you sort this out soon and get comfortable in life again.
Good luck to you.
Hi there,

Thanks for the response, I hope that its just a perception, because I feel like I have forgotten how I used to think and what things used to look like, keep wondering now that I've forgotten will I be able to be like I was before, because it the start of this I knew what things used to look like and how I thought, now I really don't. But well aware that it's not the world that's changed, just my perception of it.

Yeah I'm very wary of taking any tablets really, I've always tried to do it on my own, I do however take kalms herbal tablets on and off just valerian in them I think.

Regardless, thanks for taking the time to post and your kind words.

I truly hope we both get back to normal and beyond.

Thanks Again,

Adam
 
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