[Heather414]

I was wondering if anyone else can relate to me in any way. Its SO hard to describe whats going on with me. Like I neither feel like I do or don't exist. Its just like an empty void that has no meaning to me. The current way I'm feeling all started after my boyfriend passed away a month ago now. I think it traumatized me so much it caused my brain to totally malfunction and go totally blank.

Here are my symptoms:

- A LOT of problems visualizing

- Short and long term memory loss

- Almost not ability to recall memories

- Can't retain any information

- Can't connect to anything in my life or my surroundings

- House doesn't feel like "home"

- Don't remember what its like to feel alive or normal

- Don't really dream anymore and when I do its usually bad/disturbing dreams

- Every day feels like a new day, like yesterday or tomorrow doesn't exist

- Just about no interest in things I sued to like doing, and even when I do have nay kind of interest it doesn't register to my brain that I'm actually doing it

- Felling "trapped" in this state of mind

- Always waking up in a panic

- Body/ mind only allows me a few hours of sleep at a time

- Everything feels very uncomfortably familiar

- Only seem to know facts about myself, but they hold no meaning

- NO sense of self/ identity

- Scared I'll never feel like myself or involved in my own life again

- Very uncomfortable being alone

I absolutely don't have anything physical symptoms or visual. for the most part its just been mental ones that are causing em to feel totally disconnected to everything in my life. Has anyone ever recovered from this? I had similar symptoms before a couple years ago when I had DP the last time. This time just feels so different. Like my brain is truly FUCKED ( sorry for the profanity its just truly how I feel)

 

[Cedric]

Hey,

DPDR feels different for everyone, your symptoms sound a lot like me when I was at my worst.

Most of these passed through lowering of anxiety and obsessive thoughts, through both therapy (CBT, ERT, and getting good knowledge on the disorder) and an antidepressant that worked really well for me.

I'm still struggling often but I'm a lot better DPDR wise, and I really resonate with the feeling that your brain is really broken and the feeling that you can NEVER see the world like you used to or the panic-like fear of your own self-consciousness. These will pass if you work on them, just don't expect to get better in one day or week or even month, acceptance is very important here.

Good luck, you can get through this.

 

[Diezell]

Do you still feel emotions? Curious

 

[Al_pk]

I have or have had all of those symptoms in my latest round of dpdr. In particular I feel trapped by my current mental state and with all the memory and visualisation problems. Not remembering what it felt like to be normal. I'm not sure if it's typical dpdr. It wasn't like that in the past for me. But it certainly comes from dpdr but no doctors have been able to properly tell me what is going on. Just 'thought disorder'.

What got better for me was the memory, and I know what I'm doing nowadays. I'm still not really connected to what's going on nor am i interested in things that used to interest me. All you can do is give it time. It will improve but it isn't going to be overnight

 

[Heather414]

I have or have had all of those symptoms in my latest round of dpdr. In particular I feel trapped by my current mental state and with all the memory and visualisation problems. Not remembering what it felt like to be normal. I'm not sure if it's typical dpdr. It wasn't like that in the past for me. But it certainly comes from dpdr but no doctors have been able to properly tell me what is going on. Just 'thought disorder'.

What got better for me was the memory, and I know what I'm doing nowadays. I'm still not really connected to what's going on nor am i interested in things that used to interest me. All you can do is give it time. It will improve but it isn't going to be overnight

It's so hard to imagine ever getting better, but I've read that's what dissociation does. You cant imagine being better since your in such a different mental state. It's so scary. I too feel stuck. I dont feel much anxiety anymore. More so feeling it in my head/brain if that makes sense. I just want my memories back. It's very hard to visualize which I'm sure makes the memory problems worse. This is my 3rd bout of DP/DR and it's never been this bad mentally for me. I also have extreme anhedonia. I just feel so dead in every aspect. The only time I feel any emotion is when I'm extremely sad. It's honestly so scary to not feel connected to yourself or the world around you.

 

[Heather414]

Hey,

DPDR feels different for everyone, your symptoms sound a lot like me when I was at my worst.
Most of these passed through lowering of anxiety and obsessive thoughts, through both therapy (CBT, ERT, and getting good knowledge on the disorder) and an antidepressant that worked really well for me.

I'm still struggling often but I'm a lot better DPDR wise, and I really resonate with the feeling that your brain is really broken and the feeling that you can NEVER see the world like you used to or the panic-like fear of your own self-consciousness. These will pass if you work on them, just don't expect to get better in one day or week or even month, acceptance is very important here.

Good luck, you can get through this.

Hi Cedric! Sorry for the late reply, I stayed off here for a bit because I found myself just rereading the same posts over and over again. I know I need so seek some professional help but I'm stuck on where to even begin with it. If you could offer some advice I would really appreciate it. I'm scared to seek help because I have no sense of self, not many memories to recall. I got DP/dissociated through the death of my bf but because of the dissociation I dont recall much of him which is scary. I believe my brain wants to be stuck in this DP because when I start coming back to reality I have to face the that he isnt here anymore. It feels like DP is taking over every aspect of my brain. I really dont remember what it was like to feel in touch with reality. My brain feels extremely numb. I'm only 21 years old and it feels like Im 80 with alzheimers or something!

 

[Heather414]

Do you still feel emotions? Curious

Barely, most of the time I'm just sitting here numb but once in a while when I get extremely sad/stressed I will cry. And even when I do I still dont feel the emotions as "myself"

 

[Al_pk]

It's so hard to imagine ever getting better, but I've read that's what dissociation does. You cant imagine being better since your in such a different mental state. It's so scary. I too feel stuck. I dont feel much anxiety anymore. More so feeling it in my head/brain if that makes sense. I just want my memories back. It's very hard to visualize which I'm sure makes the memory problems worse. This is my 3rd bout of DP/DR and it's never been this bad mentally for me. I also have extreme anhedonia. I just feel so dead in every aspect. The only time I feel any emotion is when I'm extremely sad. It's honestly so scary to not feel connected to yourself or the world around you.

Heather I know exactly what you are saying. You and I are very alike. My turmoil is nowadays 95% mental. It took over a year to get rid of the physical anxiety, now it is all mental. I don't want to be a downer but it has been like this for me now for nearly 2 years. My thought processes just never returned to normal. I've become so used to it I forgot that humans are actually able to visualise and stuff. I feel alone on an island with no connection to past, present or future.

It is also my third round of dpdr and yes it was never this tough mentally.

Things always do improve but at the same time life is so flavourless and I'm a long way off from enjoying things the way they are

On top of everything I have an EXTREME phobia of time and constant existential thoughts, which has turned life into hell. It's just something I cannot control.

When people are well and happy they really don't know or appreciate what they have. If I woke up tommorow feeling normal i would be the richest man alive