[jc]

my dads had complications for the past 4 years (my dp started around the start of his problems)but i do not blame my dp on anyone else,i got myself into this position by worrying way too much...but in the past 4 and a half years my dad has been ill with diabetes heart bypass operations,many other complications and now theyve found a lump on his chest,and today hes off to the doctors with chest pains !
the question is i dont know how to think or react to this anymore,if i get worked up i make myself ill,if i try and forget it i feel guilty and seem to appear as if to have a 'i dont give a monkeys' attitude
the way my mind works at the moment is im just telling myself thats life but at the same time by cutting of my emotions and thoughts i feel as though im a bitter person,of which im not a bitter person but its purely self preservation.....life is tough eh !

 

[jc]

i do actually read back my posts sometimes and it strikes me that i think too much...isnt this a horrible thing to be constantly worrying,thinking,

jeeze {sigh}

 

[Martinelv]

Think of it another way JC. Why don't you try and focus on your father's problems instead of your own - in that way, you will be killing two birds with one stone. Actually, three birds with one stone. Focusing on your father and trying to help in anyway you can might ease your DR/DP a little, which might then stop you feeling guilty for not wanting to worry in case it increases your problems, and thirdly it will make you feel better as a person.

I remember a time when I was in the grip of mega-ultra-DR/Panic, and my mum rung up in tears (and I know this sounds stupid) because she had to have her cat put down. So I resolved to stow my panic and DR and go and give comfort to my mum. It certainly helped me, gave me a little self-esteem, and reinforced the bonds with my mother. Another thing that I noticed helped was, after putting me up at her house when I was virtually a slobbering wreck, to think about how to pay her back. I put all my energies into buying and organising them a holiday to Thailand. Things like that made me feel human, alive. Focusing outwards, putting your mind to things other than your own problems, things which 'normal' people do without thinking.....you'd be surprised how small gestures of random kindness make you feel mighty good, and interupts the seemingly endless cycle of self-loathing. As you know all too well, climbing out of the pit of relentless preoccupation with yourself, is half the battle.

I dunno, give it a try. Mundane activites aren't always the way...sometimes, and this is true in my case, that a 'shock' or 'intense activity', especially where there are emotions involved, can be the kick up the arse we all need.

 

[jc]

good advice..
ive actually just been upto the doctors to pick up there car as my dad needs to go by ambulance to the hospital and ive come home and started to paint the lobby walls.....but my father is a difficult one to work out you see he doesnt like outward signs of emotion as it makes him feel 'needy' and whatever i say

e.g i told him he should take up golf...he just says 'ive too much work to do on the house' which he doesnt but he uses this as an excuse to keep busy while not socialising and having time to think about his problems

 

[Sojourner]

" the question is i dont know how to think or react to this anymore,if i get worked up i make myself ill,if i try and forget it i feel guilty and seem to appear as if to have a 'i dont give a monkeys' attitude
the way my mind works at the moment is im just telling myself thats life but at the same time by cutting of my emotions and thoughts i feel as though im a bitter person,of which im not a bitter person but its purely self preservation.....life is tough eh !"

My offering to you, jc, is just this:

Feel your own feelings COMPLETELY. Period. Just YOUR feelings, period. If you do that, you will do all that you need to maintain your own sanity and in the process, the sanity of everyone else.

Just be COMPLETELY who you are at the moment. If you're trying to stifle your pain, your desire to go to a private place and scream and cry, or your desire to be held by someone and comforted, you are going in the wrong direction.