Is it possible to be lonely for your own self? Can we lose ourselves so much we miss who we thought we were? What if you don't know what your own self looks like? Feels like? Can we still miss it?
Sometimes I look around and wonder how did I get here. Who's life is this? And more importantly….Who am I? What am I? What do I want to be? To become?
I believe everyone needs to ask these questions. However, I spend more time than most analyzing and dissecting every aspect of my life….past, present and future. Would that all end if I had any answers? Would my life be any better than it is now if I had a better sense of myself?
While it is true I have spent many years not feeling anything or even wanting anything, I can feel a change happening inside of me. Should I be frightened? Excited? Happy? It is all so confusing when you have spent so many years numb to all feelings…good or bad. It is hard to know where these feelings are coming FROM me or being done to me. Will I still be myself if I give into them?
It also makes me wonder if we can truly be ourselves….ALONE. Can we reach the full potential of self if we spend most of our lives isolated? I know several people have made my life so much richer than it was before they arrived in it. But do I really need any of them to understand what has shaped me and my self?
Can another person change us so much we lose so much of ourselves we become unrecognizable? I know another person can make us feel less than we were, and perhaps even make us act very differently than we once did. But are we really lost? I think this is the one time we really miss who we thought we were. However, somewhere deep inside of each of us is our true self. And we have uncanny instincts to protect that id.
I also feel that sometimes we can go so far inside of ourselves it is impossible for anyone to reach us. Does this make us stronger? Stranger? A survivor? When do we know it is ok to let others in? How do we know?
God has made each one of us unique and special…..even me. He was there when I climbed inside of my mind and shut out the trauma around me. He was there when I suffered my own destruction. Even when I didn't know His Name I knew He was there. I wonder sometimes if these questions in our heads don't come from Him. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is working in us to find these answers. Perhaps we need to know the answers in order to fulfill God's will in our lives. Perhaps the answers are not as important as the questions. All I know is that I will keep asking them, and will keep on wondering if I am the self that He wanted me to be. And I will be grateful for everything in my life.
LORD please give me the strength to continue seeking the answers. And thank you for my ability to ask the questions. Help me find my true self. Watch over me while I step out of my own protection to allow true feelings in. Guide my heart to seek the truth when my feelings overwhelm me.
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