[sleepingbeauty]

f#cked up

thats what i am. the last time i saw my psyche she was telling me how i should look into full disability. she thinks that i should be deemed 'severely mentally ill'. when she said that naturally i scoffed. plus i dont want that label following me around. so i decided right there that it wasnt for me. im gonna be fine. ill get out of this rut.. even though ive never in my life been out of it ive been this way since birth.. but i will get out of it somehow. plus ive learned all kinds of good coping mechanisms.. most that i dont apply. but i am now on regular medication.. that i feel nothing from.. if anything i feel worse.

i put her words out of my mind this entire week i havent even thought about it. but now my life has totally gone to sh1t. its worse than its ever been. im starting to think that i might have multiple personality disorder.. cause time seems to go so fast for me. my days and my nights blend into each other i dont know wether im up or down. i dont even know where i was 5 minuites ago. my moods are all over the place which is nothing new.. but its starting to really have a big impact on my life. i just dont know what to do i feel totally broken.

the reason i write this is because i just looked up what it takes to be deemed 'severely mentally ill'.. and i fit the criteria to a tee. i just broke down in tears. i dont want to except it.. but what else do i have?? should i continue to live in denial? and be an outside observer to the destruction ive wrought on my life? im so pissed about this. i just want to kill myself this is all too much for me to handle. i can be positive for other people but not for myself. i dont even know who that positive person inside of me is. how can i know so much and not know how to apply it to myself? i must be as f#cked up as my doctors and everyone that loves me thinks i am. im a walking nightmare. and everyone knows it but me.

 

[Guest]

I'm just going to tell you about ME, and what I went through in a similar time.

First off, I WANTED disability - many many times. When I was young and living at home, my grandmother would never have let me do it, as she couldn't face that I might be permanently mentally ill. Trying to get approval for it would have killed her, so that little dream was shot to hell.

Many years later, with my psychiatrist/analyst, during a terribly rough period, I asked about it. I was working three days a week, but barely holding the job....my life was utter misery and terror. Every single day, and I didn't feel like I even knew who I was even when not real dp'd. I thought as you said, if ANYone is mentally incompetent, it's me.

He was having none of it. "nope, won't get any help from me on that..." Having no real clue how to go about it without his help, that dream died too.

I was in such a quandry about HOW to make myself do the things I knew I needed to do in order to get a LITTLE better. I wanted to be TOTALLY better, hugely better, head and shoulders better. Or I didn't want to even try.

Also, I was so damn angry at so many people...IF I was to start doing better, the terrible relationship I was in would just eat up all my progress. I felt like this other person would suddenly expect me to DO things for them (which is true, lol). I couldn't even have gotten well for ME.

So again, the anger/rage over not even being entitled to my OWN recovery, I stayed frozen.

I was so tied to my family and to my relationship that I felt like there was no ME to benefit from anything - only THEY would benefit.

Worked through that crap finally, and it wasn't easy. Left the relationship, let go of what any family member wanted me to be, and started looking ONLY at what I wanted for myself. It was incredibly hard. And it was necessary.

Just some food for thought.

Love ya,
Janine

 

[Guest]

Im fucked up too, Sleepy.

Its hard to be confronted with the reality that some (or a lot) of the damage inside you, will always stay there, and to learn that the only way
to deal with it (and have a life) is to accept it. There are other 'parts' in you/of you that still can be changed and are not beyond repair.
I think its good to find out for yourself what that is. You will slowly find out anyway through being in therapy-process.

Trying to get this 'in map' causes lots of pain and grief, no wonder you wanna die.
Do try to find a way to deal with your pain, accept it, be angry about it (like you are), cry, scream, whatever you feel.
But do whats necessary for you to continue with your life.

Take care
Wendy

 

[Guest]

What kind of relationship are you talking about, janine?

 

[Guest]

Sleepingb, is there anything youll get out of applying for severely mentally ill? More money or what's the deal?

 

[Homeskooled]

Dear SleepingBeauty,
I'm really sorry to hear how lonely and lost you feel. I know that feeling. And I'll tell you something...I'm on disability. Its the only way I could possibly be getting through college at this time, too. There isnt any shame in it, and if your willing to use it to one day get off it permanently, then more power to you. But I dont think you'd feel so lonely, so dejected, if you didnt spend so much time alone in your house. Of course your going to feel like your days and nights are blending together. I feel that way when I'm inside the house sick for a few days in a row. Its the same four walls with a couple different lighting schematics to tell you the time of day. You dont have multiple personality disorder - you just have a wonderfully imaginative mind. Feel too stressed out to get a job? The activity might lower your stress. Sedentary people are more likely to get diabetes because their cortisol levels ( the stress hormones) never get spent in daily activities. Instead, it just eats up their good moods and their blood sugar. Most importantly, going to school and getting a work-study job could make you feel young again. 28 isnt old at all....The scariest place to be right now is alone within those four walls, and thats where your at. Any change right now can only make you feel better. Life isnt as scary as we think it is when we're on the sidelines. When you jump back in the game it actually gets pretty predictable. Anyways, Malia, I know you can do it. Your younger, stronger, and more resourcful than you know. I wish you much

Peace
Homeskooled

 

[JasonFar]

Yeah Sleeping I don't know what to say...

I mean it just proves you can really formulate a different type of character with a slew of postings on an Internet message board... Your posts have been so thoughtful, constructive, and intellectually impressive lately -- not to mention, POSITIVE (but like you say, geared towards others) -- that it's impossible to think this is the same person a shrink would call "severely mentally ill". I mean, it seems the biggest problem with you (and this is simplified no doubt) is................ your mood. If you were just in a GOOD mood, you could do so much, as you are obviously so talented in many areas.

Granted, a lot of issues probably underline your psyche like a lot of us... Relationship issues, anger, fear at getting a job/holding responsibility for Life, basically a lot of shit... But what ultimately makes those unbearable and unfixable (at whatever pace) is being so completely overwhelemed by yourSelf (I.E. mood)... I know even if your mood is a bit better going and facing the world, and starting at step 1 can still seem like a giant monster to be battling with, but somehow you need to get to that point again...

I don't know. All I can say is that you don't seem to me to be SEVERELY MENTALLY ILL. You're too well thought-out, too damn smart... Not that smart people can't be mentally ill, but... I think so many of your problems are mood/emotionally related, and for some reason I don't like to refer to those as mental illnesses, even though many symptoms are mental.... You just need some help.... at the very least, meds should be helping you... I wish they were, and don't know why they aren't.

I unfortunately don't have the answers. I was on St. John's Wort a few weeks ago and it helped me out quite a bit, and I have since switched to 5-HTP, the first thing I've taken that directly works with serotonin. It's working very well. Despite what anti-med folk say, if you're in a terrible mood (which could mean multiple things) for an extended period of time, it's virtually impossible to make any progress... The progress I've (seemingly) made since simply feeling better from day to day -- and by progress I mean mostly getting off my butt and making much more social encounters, having fun, getting out of mySELF for a bit -- is pretty amazing.... Again, I don't know what inparticular to recommend to you, but somehow a mood booster should be in check.

Sorry I'm rambling. I hope you are OK and you know many of us care about you here.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

thank you guys so much. i want to post responses but im just feeling too bad right now. i think maybe tomorrow ill be better.

 

[terri*]

sorry...i just got up. kind of coming in at the end. i did want you to know that i am so sorry you are feeling this way, SleepingBeauty. as some of the others said, you have an amazing mind and it can be so helpful to others here.

i am hoping that you are simply a SleepingBeauty and one day you will find...Malia. she is a beautiful, strong, articulate, positive woman, a very important part of a lot of people's lives.

thinking of you,
terri

p.s. i sure did like that happy, partying, smiley faced baby orangutan. where's the emoticon that carried the sign in protest??? anyway,
Bring it back! Bring it back! Bring it back!