i too am paraniod, feel invisible.pointless worthless,tiny, a dot on this planet......
...... and i bloody well HATE the way i feel
I think... as a parent. You can get "angry".
You can control your kids by not letting them get angry back.
You can dis-empower your children and control their lives.
You can do anything you want. You can get as angry as you like to "perceived" naughty things that your children have done. You can "control" all the urges within you frustrated by societies constraints.
You can play all the games your parents played that tore you to shreds.
I was a pawn for the anger of my family.
My control over alleviating stress, getting furious and controlling my environment was zero.
I have years and years of junk in me that was injected by a willing family.
Everything "they" did and everything "I" did is still all my fault.
I was like a human sacrifice. My family was bubbling over with mental illness, stress, unhappiness and anger. I was born wide-eyed, artistic and emotional. Kind, forgiving and naive. I was born able to think for myself.
I cant believe that everything is still my fault, and they cant see why I'd hate them, and not "owe" them anything. They stripped away my essence and devoured my hope and good qualities.
Why cant abusive people see that they've done anything wrong.
How can everything still be my fault.
I feel like the Psychiatric system is like a continued punishment.
I often say to therapists that they are happily continuing the "work" of my Mother. I dont really know what I want from therapy. I get accused of going round & round, but so does therapy.
I feel that my trauma is so bad now that no therapist will ever be good enough to fix it. It goes way too deep. No-one will ever be able to comprehend it.
