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On December 1st, 2012 I made a terrible mistake. It had been a very grueling semester, I was working three jobs, maintaining straight A's in school and not sleeping very much. My OCD/anxiety which I have been diagnosed with for a long time were creeping up and interfering with my studying, assignment writing, etc. I went out one weekend with some friends out of town to party and let loose. I've never been much of a drug user or drinker, even though I am a bartender. My drug history to date includes 3 uses of marijuana and one use of salvia. On the Saturday night I just wanted to let go, forget about the upcoming exams, forget about work, forget about not having a real life, etc. My buddies started to smoke weed and were passing around a fat 2.5g joint. I'm the type of person who goes "hard" since I don't get to party much, you could say. I took 3-4 hits of this blunt, left for 10 minutes, had another hit of another blunt that was going around and then I saw my one buddy filling up this bag with weed content. I had never done anything like this before so I was thinking to myself "huffing shit out of a bag, I've never done any hardcore drug shit, let's do it, yolo" and I inhaled like 70% of this big bag. It turned out that bag was called a vaporizer and that on top of the fact that I was already stoned from the joints I was hitting produced the most horrifying thing I have ever experienced: a horrible trip and 3 hour long panic attack that completely fucked my head up.

When I woke up the next day I was so scared I was wondering if I was even in real life (due to the content of my trip) and thought that my reaction to the weed/how I felt the next day was extremely abnormal, I actually thought I was losing my mind and going schizophrenic. There were no auditory or visual hallucinations so I clearly wasn't but I felt so different, things didn't seem normal so I thought I was going psychotic, etc.

I have to get this post wrapped up but for the next week every morning I woke up I was terrified of getting out of bed. My OCD was activated and I could not stop thinking, I was obsessing that I was crazy, psychotic, schizophrenic, wondering about existence, about if I had DP-DR, I was reading constantly, it was retarded. I was scaring myself into thinking I was going to do something bad (I was not going to, it was simply a mindfuck) and I kept telling my Mom to take me to the hospital. I went to 3 hospitals in an 8 day period because I was literally so numb from anxiety it was actually causing what felt like physical pain. Needles, stabbing me, it was utterly insane, I can't describe it. The Doctor's kept telling me I was okay (not okay in essence of nothing was wrong but I wasn't going psychotic, schizophrenic, etc, I was just freaked the fuck out) but the OCD was eating me up on top of the DP-DR so it took me until the second week to calm down and stop having anxiety attacks. I'd say I probably had 5 anxiety attacks in a 7-8 day time period.

Anyways, today I don't feel how I did the moment before I smoked that bullshit but I am not having panic attacks, I'm not hiding in my room scared of the world, etc. Although I was reading too much when I was being overrun by OCD in the beginning, I was able to gather a lot of information and come to a general conclusion:

What I am experiencing is not real. It's real in essence that I am feeling what I am feeling but it is not real in essence of, the world is not how I perceive it, my thoughts are fictional and trying to fuck with me, the world is the same, everything is the same but for me. That being said, I can be the same again but it will take strong mental conditioning, hard work, determination and every other synonym for perseverance, etc.

I conquered an insane case of OCD that was destroying my life in high school. When I had OCD I was looking so hard for an answer, a magic thought, someone to tell me the "cure," etc -- but you know what? The answer and cure was to stop thinking. Sure, the OCD thoughts would step up and get worse, the anxiety would come, I couldn't control that but over time, the thoughts would get less and less and eventually disappear and the same went for the anxiety. From a high school student who at times did not want to live (I was not suicidal, I just wanted the pain to go away) I became a top performing sponsored athlete, a nightclub bartender, a "recognizable social figure" and finished my first year of college with a 3.92GPA.

Now I will admit, what I am going through now is far harder than anything I have ever experienced before, it is very different, it is in fact scary. But with that being said, the cure is the exact same as OCD. To conquer DP-DR you need to accept it, live with it, immerse yourself in reality, eat healthy, exercise, all that stuff. These are all things I've repeatedly read on nearly every thread/post I've seen someone who got out of it make. It's the same repetition with the videos on YouTube. Everybody who got better is saying the same shit. For me, I'm not sure if it's typical of DP-DR thoughts to try to get you to think "what if I don't get better, what if it doesn't work, etc" or if it's my OCD but the fact is, when 1 arrow is pointing up and over 9000 are pointing down, who's probably in the right? Of course, the down arrows. It's this mind game we play where we think we are this "special case," we're the "one who got away" that ends up costing us valuable time that we should not let DP-DR, anxiety, OCD or any other mental illness consume.

Anyways, I just wanted to make this blog because I need a place to log my emotions, sentiments, how I am doing, track my progress, etc and I've never been good with paper. I also wanted to share my story and help people conquer this demon because even though I haven't conquered it yet, I know I will, however long it takes (I'm sure it won't be too long), I will conquer it. It's pretty simple.

I remember how it was when I was being torn apart by OCD and I didn't understand why I couldn't get better -- but I did and the answer was so simple. The answer was simple, the process was very difficult but I stuck to it, felt the anxiety and got better.

I'm going to do this again, this time on "Expert Mode" and I hope some people get some comfort out of reading my posts and at the end when my blog inevitably comes to an end, I hope people get a lot out of my final posts (once I've actually experienced recovery) so that they can get back to being themselves as well. Nobody in the world deserves to feel this bullshit, it makes me sick just knowing people can feel this way. But you know what, we aren't going to feel like this for very long, let's do the work.

For anybody also suffering from OCD, I kept a journal on an OCD forum that I felt I got a lot out of. It is very positive, allowed me to come to some very insightful conclusions and helped me recover. Please feel free to look at it (especially the last few posts at the end) if you'd like:


As I am new to DP-DR if anybody has any recommendations, etc please let me know, I am always looking to learn new things.

Also, one thing I have learned to understand and embrace is that patience truly is a virtue.
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Let's do this ladies and gentlemen.

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Mar 29 2013 10:09 AM

Very insightful thanks for sharing
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