I believe it was Christmas day 1999 when i first experienced depersonalization/derealization. I think i was around 16 years old. I decided to smoke weed with my Uncle, Brother and cousins in my uncle's van. My uncle had some weed from Jamaica. He called it the dog's teeth because supposedly it had a distinctive bite to it. I boarded the van and sat in the back. At first none of them wanted to pass the joint to me but after the first joint everyone was so ripped out of their skulls that the second joint found its way to me with no resistance. I had a few hits and when i exited the van my whole world changed. I felt differently. My environment became artificial. This continued the entire night and I absolutely freaked out. I fell asleep in my mom's lap and woke the next morning back to normal.
This feeling or experience would repeat itself each time i smoked weed. You would think that I would have stopped after the first or even the second time. The final time, however, i went to the ER because i thought i was certainly going to die. Each time, however, I recovered.
When I had my first panic attack . The feeling (depersonalization/derealization) returned. But after the attack passed the feeling would subside. I continued to have panic attacks and the feelings would again arise and subside but for some reason the attacks came more frequent and i was always on the cusp of a full blown panic attack. The feeling just lingered - even in the interim periods. I had the feeling for almost a year. To varying degrees of intensity. When I was diagnosed and placed on medication the feeling and the anxiety for the most part went away.
In August 2016, i had a massive panic attack and the feeling came back and has increased in intensity since that time. The feeling is now always present. The anxiety attacks are less frequent and only get triggered when the feeling is particularly unbearable. There has always been a link between the two sensations/experience (Anxiety and depersonalization/derealization). The one sustaining the other. No medication has worked since the August 2016 experience. I increased my original SSRI (Paroxetine) to no avail. I tried a different SSRI (Sertraline) but had to discontinue. I am now on a new SSRI (Fluoxetine) but the jury is till out on that one - it has, however been nearly 4 months. The only medication that gives some relief is clonozapam. I rarely, if ever use these on a frequent basis. I am aware of the risks. I continue to engage in psychotherapy and mindfulness practice. I walk everyday and maintain a vegetarian and fish diet. I have a care team made up my GP, psychiatrist, and therapist.
I am looking into an out-of-country assessment from a specialized clinic in London, England. It's a bit pricey but i'm willing to save towards it. My GP supports it.
This feeling limits my life in significant ways. I am unable to drive as frequently as i would like. I avoid social outings, malls, public transportation, airplanes, and if do engage in these activities it's with great discomfort and fear. It sometimes affects work - but thankfully i am able to go to work and bear the discomfort. I feel it at home. It only subsides when i'm asleep. I dread waking up to it. I am not, however, suicidal. I love life, despite the feeling. I just dislike the anticipation of the day ahead and it's pending discomforts. I persist, nonetheless. I will never give up. Even though there are days when i feel hopeless.
Any assistance would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
This feeling or experience would repeat itself each time i smoked weed. You would think that I would have stopped after the first or even the second time. The final time, however, i went to the ER because i thought i was certainly going to die. Each time, however, I recovered.
When I had my first panic attack . The feeling (depersonalization/derealization) returned. But after the attack passed the feeling would subside. I continued to have panic attacks and the feelings would again arise and subside but for some reason the attacks came more frequent and i was always on the cusp of a full blown panic attack. The feeling just lingered - even in the interim periods. I had the feeling for almost a year. To varying degrees of intensity. When I was diagnosed and placed on medication the feeling and the anxiety for the most part went away.
In August 2016, i had a massive panic attack and the feeling came back and has increased in intensity since that time. The feeling is now always present. The anxiety attacks are less frequent and only get triggered when the feeling is particularly unbearable. There has always been a link between the two sensations/experience (Anxiety and depersonalization/derealization). The one sustaining the other. No medication has worked since the August 2016 experience. I increased my original SSRI (Paroxetine) to no avail. I tried a different SSRI (Sertraline) but had to discontinue. I am now on a new SSRI (Fluoxetine) but the jury is till out on that one - it has, however been nearly 4 months. The only medication that gives some relief is clonozapam. I rarely, if ever use these on a frequent basis. I am aware of the risks. I continue to engage in psychotherapy and mindfulness practice. I walk everyday and maintain a vegetarian and fish diet. I have a care team made up my GP, psychiatrist, and therapist.
I am looking into an out-of-country assessment from a specialized clinic in London, England. It's a bit pricey but i'm willing to save towards it. My GP supports it.
This feeling limits my life in significant ways. I am unable to drive as frequently as i would like. I avoid social outings, malls, public transportation, airplanes, and if do engage in these activities it's with great discomfort and fear. It sometimes affects work - but thankfully i am able to go to work and bear the discomfort. I feel it at home. It only subsides when i'm asleep. I dread waking up to it. I am not, however, suicidal. I love life, despite the feeling. I just dislike the anticipation of the day ahead and it's pending discomforts. I persist, nonetheless. I will never give up. Even though there are days when i feel hopeless.
Any assistance would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
