Internal Barrier to Happiness

You know, it's odd...i feel like I am somehow preventing myself from being happy by continuing to focus on the negative feelings when I get them. I can feel this tremendous happiness and joy with life and all of that somewhere in my mnd, but I keep this wall up against it. I think I want to be happy, but somehow it seems like I'm scared of it and I am trying to prevent myself from it? Is this familiar to anyone...like there is this great well of joy inside of them, but they are purposely only putting the bucket down halfway and then complaining that they are not getting any water? I really do think I am terrified of happiness or of letting this dp/dr go, because it's so familiar for me, even though it is torture. I kind of think this is like being in an abusive relationship...I stay with it, because i think its' what i deserve, or because it's comfortable, or because I dont' know anything else. It's like, when I AM happy, i wonder "is this happiness? Can I stay like this?" I guess that is along the lines of self monitoring...I am monitoring when I am happy, and it makes me less happy. anyway, sorry that I'm rambling on so much, but i'm a little tired. I think its' a bit of a positive sign, however, that I'm recognizing the destructive patterns...that's the first step towards change, I think.

Speaking of tired, as a little addition to my sleep post, I've realized a lot of my problems come from going to bed...bad dreams plague me, and I'm scared of it, so I get anxious around bed time. That's my issue right now...i'm tired, but i'm scared to go to sleep. Just waiting till i can barely keep my eyes open.