I've just watched a very depressing movie but one quote inspired me.
For 3 years I'm fighting depression, anxiety, ocd, dp and mainly fear, self hate and despair. I'm scared of everything. Every single thing is hard for me. I'm pretending and lying most of the time- trying to cover my fear, my unrealness, myself. I wish at night sometimes that I'll die in my sleep and arrive to a safe place where I could be with my mom. I feel like a loser all the time, totally worthless.
I have times when I can function and then people think that I'm getting better. I'm not. It never gets easy for me. It's so hard, demanding, tiring. And I'm not sure why the hell I even bother. I can't find any meaning to my life. I don't have any goals and plans for the future. Nothing gives me joy the way I felt when I was younger. Sometimes I feel like crying but I can't. It's like I'm way beyond the stage of crying. Like, What's the point of crying anyhow?
I also have times, like now, that I give up. I isolate myself and sleep a lot. Not trying to overcome myself and my fears. I surrender and accept my defeat. Knowing that I'll never be normal, it will never go away. I like being alone. I feel safe. But then, for some reason, it become too much. The silence is too loud. I feel trapped, lonely, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for wasting my life.
It changes from time to time but the basic is still the same. I'm fighting the world and always lose.
So...oh yeah, The movie. It was about a guy that his wife was raped and since then the lives of both of them got really hard. This guy sees a psychologist that tell him the next story:
"I had a patient that was scared of sharks since seeing one while swiming. I met him after some time on the street and asked him about his life. He said to me that he is now the captain of the swiming team. I asked him 'What about the sharks?' and he answered 'They are still there but I catch up with them' ".
Maybe we can find the advantages of all of this and then learn how to use it for our own good. Maybe we can't win it but we can become stronger than it.
For 3 years I'm fighting depression, anxiety, ocd, dp and mainly fear, self hate and despair. I'm scared of everything. Every single thing is hard for me. I'm pretending and lying most of the time- trying to cover my fear, my unrealness, myself. I wish at night sometimes that I'll die in my sleep and arrive to a safe place where I could be with my mom. I feel like a loser all the time, totally worthless.
I have times when I can function and then people think that I'm getting better. I'm not. It never gets easy for me. It's so hard, demanding, tiring. And I'm not sure why the hell I even bother. I can't find any meaning to my life. I don't have any goals and plans for the future. Nothing gives me joy the way I felt when I was younger. Sometimes I feel like crying but I can't. It's like I'm way beyond the stage of crying. Like, What's the point of crying anyhow?
I also have times, like now, that I give up. I isolate myself and sleep a lot. Not trying to overcome myself and my fears. I surrender and accept my defeat. Knowing that I'll never be normal, it will never go away. I like being alone. I feel safe. But then, for some reason, it become too much. The silence is too loud. I feel trapped, lonely, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for wasting my life.
It changes from time to time but the basic is still the same. I'm fighting the world and always lose.
So...oh yeah, The movie. It was about a guy that his wife was raped and since then the lives of both of them got really hard. This guy sees a psychologist that tell him the next story:
"I had a patient that was scared of sharks since seeing one while swiming. I met him after some time on the street and asked him about his life. He said to me that he is now the captain of the swiming team. I asked him 'What about the sharks?' and he answered 'They are still there but I catch up with them' ".
Maybe we can find the advantages of all of this and then learn how to use it for our own good. Maybe we can't win it but we can become stronger than it.
