Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 1 of 1 Posts

DPSH Donator
259 Posts
I didn't write in my journal for a long time, and saw the opportunity to write down some thoughts, albeit turning what was to be a brief comment (to this topic) in to a tangent. Anyhow, I guess it would serve as a decent first post, seeing as it became rather personal.. I'll probably take it down at some point though.

Yes. When I was younger I had GAD due to weed. I quit smoking it, and it subsided. It was accompanied by panic attacks and moments of derealization as well. My main symptom was hyperhydrosis, which I fixated on, subsequently thinking that that was causing my anxiety rather than being a symptom, thus I never really looked in to anxiety all that much. I never had it diagnosed, or even self-diagnosed for that matter. It subsided over the years; quitting school definitely helped get it off my mind, and eventually I'd just get regular situational anxiety here and there, but nothing I couldn't handle.

Depression before that. Also remitted with dedication and diligence. Becoming independent was a major factor, as well as discovering the joys of sailing, making many friends (having ditched school and starting to work, I found a myself becoming a lot more sociable due to the factor that I was simply surrounded by much more interesting people). Having a relationship also had its merits at times. I just slowly made a fun life for myself I guess, though perhaps I partied too hard, haha.

I was always anti-therapy due to former experiences with a psychologist (didn't keep certain things I told her confidential). I don't quite recall my stance on medication.. I guess back then I still believed I could get over it myself, and I did. Notably it wasn't nearly as daunting as what I experience these days, hence the lack of helplessness back then. Medication also wasn't advertised where I've lived. I think I might've been opposed to the idea actually, for I then put great value upon achieving happiness solely by my own strength, for I believed it would grant me confidence if I succeeded; something I deeply desired. But ultimately it was not my method that granted me it. In fact, it was largely dependant on many other wonderful people whom I came to admire and love, and in trusting others I learned to trust myself. Moreover, success is to go where you want to go, and there I went, regardless of method. Lastly, it was this ego-inspired notion of "I must see this through by myself and my self alone" that ultimately was the largest obstacle in actually doing so. Learning to let go of that notion allowed me to accept my situation, thereby turning my attention to the world, and what it had to offer, subsequently allowing me to act upon the presented opportunities that would otherwise have slipped before my eyes without me even taking notice of their existence.

Sounds rather glorified. Hmm. My memory isn't the best either, so I can't quite confirm the accuracy there of. It wasn't all marvellous; I also experienced some rather unsettling things, and I did have periods where I abused drugs (which in and of itself does come with rather unusual experiences). But I was able to move past these things; never dwelling much.

Meditation also helped a lot, as well learning to enjoy exercise. Reading some insightful books helped as well.
I guess it's the people along the way that helped the most.

Why don't I do all these things now? I have either tried it already or simply can't do it any more. It doesn't make a difference.. my cognitive capacity and flexibility seems too diminished to allow it. And hence my search for exogenous methods of improvement; all I need is for things to get significantly better, so as to enable myself to do all (or at least some) of the aforementioned.

There are many things that happened in my life that one could consider precipitating factors.. I was also experiencing some stress and dissociation in the weeks before that (even a single reversible event of slight depersonalization.. I just considered it to be an interesting experience at the time, nothing more). Regardless thereof, I wasn't too concerned about any of that, and I was in quite a good place mentally at the time (e.g. I was thrilled that I was going back to school.. I'd never been so motivated for school in my life, haha!).

Despite this, I still believe the drugs I took on that dreaded night 2 years ago induced my DP, rather than triggering it. At least, I'm confident that had I not taken the drugs, that I would not have acquired HPPD and thereby chronic depersonalization. I'm also inclined to think that had I gotten DP without HPPD, that I would've gotten over it relatively swiftly, or at least wouldn't have been so debilitated and disabled. Anyhow, it's rather trivial whether or not it was triggered or induced I suppose, unless you're one to there from derive the conclusion that it is solely psychologically mediated.

Sure, I experienced some dissociation in my life before, at several different times in my life, yet these would mostly all fall in to the "normal" category that healthy people experience as well. It is difficult to put in to words for me, but knowing how I was back then, I find it hard to conceive that I would succumb to DP had it been under normal circumstances. It is the extreme, chronic mindfuck intrusively enforced upon me, (and the thus eliciting anxiety unprecedented in severity) that so unequivocally intensifies the experience to a point of intolerability. These are the distinguishing factors in whether or not one can get over it without ever dwelling, or even knowing the name for it (like I've done with the aforementioned transient episodes), - or whether one thus is haunted daily by the recurrence of an experience with an impact of such magnitude no being should ever have to bear.

1 - 1 of 1 Posts