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Well I suppose i'll start out with telling you a little about myself and when my DP feelings started . Thats what i used to call it " the feeling " . I could never put the rush of emotions into words before . I never had anything to compare it to or anyone to relate to . I began to belive I was crazy . I guess it turns out I am . at least I'm not crazy alone though . Now I have someone who understands . There are more with " the feeling " . and it has a name . Depersonalization , depression , anxiaty .
The first I belive I had an episode was shortly after I had lost my mother to Liver and bone cancer . I was 16 and decided smoke a bit of pot ( which i did semi- regularly ) . suddenly i felt detatched from my body . As if I was stuck in my head , my mind . I saw my arms moving as I spoke but i was'nt controlling any of it and could'nt put a definition to the very familar words that i was hearing . I thought i was dead . As I layed down for a bit , closed my eyes and tried to relax I started feeling a bit better so I sat up started chatting a bit with my friends and bam ! The feelings started coming on again . It was the biggest dissapointment of my life . I finially felt that my 10 miniute nightmare was over But no . It had only begun ....
Later that evening I felt more like myself , life around me made more sense and I had a bit more peace within myself . I just was'nt the same for about 6 months . I would be obbsessive about it coming back . It was a constant fear it would happen again but i could control it . Eventually I learned that when I felt the rush of warmth from my head to stomach that it would be okay . Slowly the feelings subsided and went away .
Now I'm 22 I have a 2 year old , live with my boyfriend and the feelings have been back for about 1 1/2 years .I don't have quite as many attacks but i'm left with a strange escence of them . Like I can feel it lingering im my mind waiting to come out . I've also been dealing with some depression and irrational thoughts . One of them is that someone is trying to drug me or that something will make me high . I know that this is'nt true and will never happen but it's a strange thought I have . Also that life does'nt exist . I's meaning less all of it's not really happening .
Well thats really all for now . One day soon I hope to kick this again so I can feel normal . I miss feeling normal .



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Delicate
Oct 25 2012 09:56 PM

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. You're a survivor though really and that's something to be proud of! Do you feel like this affects your parenting or are you still pretty functional? this is something I worry about for myself when i want to have children in the future.
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Pretty much all of us gets irrational thoughts like that here, it's just the negative, anxious part of our minds having a field day because it's let loose to run wild!


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REB_DoMiNe
Oct 26 2012 06:07 PM

Well Delicate at times I do feel like good parenting is a challenge . Mostly because i'm not able to leave the house as often do my intense anxiaty while being outside or in the car... this is really new for me actually so it's a big change for all of us . So were not able to do things like run errands , go to the park , or walks quite as often unless i'm having a "good day " . But on the other hand chloe is what keeps me grounded . For instance I know i'm not able to have a freak out while i'm with her .... at least not one that stops me from being a mom and being able to handle those responsabilities . So if i'm feeling one coming on I can tell myself to suck it up , there just feelings .
Anyways thank you for the encouragement . I here a lot that i am so strong but i feel anything but . considering i'm in this mess .
 
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