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Now I'm not talking the insecurity of the sort where you're afraid your partner will leave you. I'm actually talking insecurity within yourself.

You may have noticed from my posts that I yoyo up and down with how I feel, or who I believe I actually am. I have been through a range of severe and extreme emotions, symptoms, perceptions, delusions, problems; you name it. This is why I feel very insecure about myself and am finding it hard to accept things.

Case in point, in my last session my therapist said something to me that really helped me feel positive. I took it on board, and for the first time in 6 months I recognised the person inside me as being me. I was doing reasonably well up until this evening, when symptoms or issues that began all of this started to happen again. It made me realise that week to week I am a different person, and there are things that have happened to me that I can't seem to accept, and that I'm sure could so easily happen to me again, no matter how good I can feel at times.

Tonight I felt very blue and suicidal again, because I just couldn't wrap my head around how so many different things have happened. And being reminded of how bad I was, and being scared of that feeling I had when I had my break down, when I literally didn't feel in control of my own thoughts or body.

So I guess my question is. How do you guys (who are on the road to recovery I guess) find a place where you feel secure and that none of this bad stuff will happen again? How did you wrap your head around the crazy things that you never thought yourself capable of, and begin to accept them? How do you find yourself and tell yourself you know exactly who you are?

Soz for the essay.
 

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There's a book I found really helpful called Evolving Self Confidence, in which the writer suggests all anxiety comes from an intangible sense of badness - the belief that there's something essentially wrong with us that needs to be fixed. It's about making a small but important distinction: that just because you feel bad doesn't mean you are bad, and that we usually always feel bad about ourselves because of how we have been treated. So whenever you feel bad you think something like, "I was made to feel bad, but I'm not a bad person." I would add things like, "I was never bad, I was a good kid, and I'm a good person, there was never anything wrong with me," so addressing my childhood. No-one is born bad or fundamentally lacking or flawed, but if we're neglected we feel worthless and if we're mistreated we feel we must be no good. Then we turn inward and start questioning everything about ourselves. My self-esteem has definitely become more robust since I started doing this.
 
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