G
Guest
·LISTEN to me, people, lol:
Paranoid delusions are not the same things as "psychotic episodes" or "schizophrenia"
I KNOW some of you have paranoid thoughts - and very creepy surreal ideas about the origin of reality and the nature of life/death/infinity, am I awake? "did I invent the entire world in a dream?" etc....those thoughts SOUND pretty nutty. And I do not suggest you walk around sharing them with people in your office, etc.
I had the same kinds of ideas for many years - on and off, mostly on...but I kept them to myself - never even trusting a psychiatrist enough to tell them. To me, those thoughts were PROOF that I was really insane. Doctors and therapists could reassure me to high Heaven that I was "only" anxious or neurotic or obsessive. I knew the Truth. I knew that in spite of my good common sense to HIDE them, I actually and truly sincerely believed that it was possible I was god. I thought that I had made up the entire world, or was "dreaming" it - and no one was real, nothing that appeared to exist was truly "here" - no more than some meadow or park from a dream last night was "really there."
I was nothing but Pure Thought.
I was an idea. And from my Idea, I had invented this world. And every single one of you, and my family, and every movie and every car on the street, and every piece of literature in the library....were nothing but little concoctions of mine. (on other days, I assumed this was so clearly insane that I must actually BE insane and maybe was already inside a locked ward somewhere only imagining this existence...drugged up or on shock treatments, and I was lying in a cold room some place and only imagining my daily life in a drugged stupor)
I am going to say this one more time: I was not just 'imaginging" what those ideas might be like. I BELIEVED THEM.
From the time I had my initial breakdown, those thoughts started mounting - got worse for a few years around 17-22. Then those thoughts seemed to take a back seat to just pure terror/anxiety for awhile. Then they'd come back from time to time,and got their worst ever when I was in my late 20's.
There was a morning I was out jogging - here in New York - got up very early, just after dawn...I was near the park and all of a sudden the sky looked SO odd to me...I realized that I could be totally "off" and that it was not really morning, but nightfall...and I was so confused, and had BEEN so confused...and memories from my original breakdown came flooding back and it seemed like I had not really lived the years in between 18 and 28 - that the 10 yr. period had been an illusion and that maybe I had gone totally insane at 18, and was in a hospital and had been there for 10 yrs....again, this was not a fantasy, it was a delusion. I actually believed it was true. And I was terrified. Didn't know where to walk, who to talk to, who to trust, who to lie to, should I go home and try to sleep to "wake up" in the hospital where I "really" was? I was a raging lunatic on the streets of New York in a jogging suit, absolutely terrrified that I had gone insane years before - and the Me I thought I was now was nothing but an illusion....
I quit a part-time job I had shortly after that little event in the park, and started a downward spiral of staying home, increasing anxiety states and prolonged chronic dp that didn't let up for nearly a year.....
was it another breakdown? a breakdown within the already existing breakdown? more delusion on top of anxiety? Dp and obsessions on top of stress? Paranoia on top of panic and dp?
It does not matter what you choose to call it. It was More of SAME (in a slightly new format)
And that my dears, is the kind of crap that a NON-psychotic mind can live with - we can invent horrifying thoughts that we believe - almost like some mean teenager telling horrific bedtime tales to a little kid to make them have nightmares. ANYthing I could think up, I could believe. I was absolutely at the mercy of my own imagination.
And I lived that way for nearly 20 yrs.
I did not go insane. But really, come on now, was my quality of life much better than a person who IS insane?
The good part is that my brain itself was NOT deteroriating from any kind of degenerative disease. It was "living" in a state of primary process fantasy, half in twilight betwixt reality and delusion...and for nearly 20 damn years, I am NOT exaggerating, people....I did NOT have a clear sense of what reality was or IF reality was, or if I was.
The mental states than dp and anxiety can take a person into are UNbelieveable. And very very few people want to walk around like me, lol....bragging about how nuts they once felt. So very few of us really know that other people have ever "been there." THEY HAVE. I read it all the time, encounter it all the time in case studies, etc....at the analytic institute. This is just a part of mental life that few people go public with. So you get on the internet and start looking up "schizophrenia" and think "yes! See! That's me! I am insane and noboby realizes it."
Wrong.
I was there, guys. And whether you like me, love me or find me terribly annoying (grin), clearly I am not insane. and despite your own horrible secret thoughts and fears, neither are you.
GOT it?
Peace,
Janine
Paranoid delusions are not the same things as "psychotic episodes" or "schizophrenia"
I KNOW some of you have paranoid thoughts - and very creepy surreal ideas about the origin of reality and the nature of life/death/infinity, am I awake? "did I invent the entire world in a dream?" etc....those thoughts SOUND pretty nutty. And I do not suggest you walk around sharing them with people in your office, etc.
I had the same kinds of ideas for many years - on and off, mostly on...but I kept them to myself - never even trusting a psychiatrist enough to tell them. To me, those thoughts were PROOF that I was really insane. Doctors and therapists could reassure me to high Heaven that I was "only" anxious or neurotic or obsessive. I knew the Truth. I knew that in spite of my good common sense to HIDE them, I actually and truly sincerely believed that it was possible I was god. I thought that I had made up the entire world, or was "dreaming" it - and no one was real, nothing that appeared to exist was truly "here" - no more than some meadow or park from a dream last night was "really there."
I was nothing but Pure Thought.
I was an idea. And from my Idea, I had invented this world. And every single one of you, and my family, and every movie and every car on the street, and every piece of literature in the library....were nothing but little concoctions of mine. (on other days, I assumed this was so clearly insane that I must actually BE insane and maybe was already inside a locked ward somewhere only imagining this existence...drugged up or on shock treatments, and I was lying in a cold room some place and only imagining my daily life in a drugged stupor)
I am going to say this one more time: I was not just 'imaginging" what those ideas might be like. I BELIEVED THEM.
From the time I had my initial breakdown, those thoughts started mounting - got worse for a few years around 17-22. Then those thoughts seemed to take a back seat to just pure terror/anxiety for awhile. Then they'd come back from time to time,and got their worst ever when I was in my late 20's.
There was a morning I was out jogging - here in New York - got up very early, just after dawn...I was near the park and all of a sudden the sky looked SO odd to me...I realized that I could be totally "off" and that it was not really morning, but nightfall...and I was so confused, and had BEEN so confused...and memories from my original breakdown came flooding back and it seemed like I had not really lived the years in between 18 and 28 - that the 10 yr. period had been an illusion and that maybe I had gone totally insane at 18, and was in a hospital and had been there for 10 yrs....again, this was not a fantasy, it was a delusion. I actually believed it was true. And I was terrified. Didn't know where to walk, who to talk to, who to trust, who to lie to, should I go home and try to sleep to "wake up" in the hospital where I "really" was? I was a raging lunatic on the streets of New York in a jogging suit, absolutely terrrified that I had gone insane years before - and the Me I thought I was now was nothing but an illusion....
I quit a part-time job I had shortly after that little event in the park, and started a downward spiral of staying home, increasing anxiety states and prolonged chronic dp that didn't let up for nearly a year.....
was it another breakdown? a breakdown within the already existing breakdown? more delusion on top of anxiety? Dp and obsessions on top of stress? Paranoia on top of panic and dp?
It does not matter what you choose to call it. It was More of SAME (in a slightly new format)
And that my dears, is the kind of crap that a NON-psychotic mind can live with - we can invent horrifying thoughts that we believe - almost like some mean teenager telling horrific bedtime tales to a little kid to make them have nightmares. ANYthing I could think up, I could believe. I was absolutely at the mercy of my own imagination.
And I lived that way for nearly 20 yrs.
I did not go insane. But really, come on now, was my quality of life much better than a person who IS insane?
The good part is that my brain itself was NOT deteroriating from any kind of degenerative disease. It was "living" in a state of primary process fantasy, half in twilight betwixt reality and delusion...and for nearly 20 damn years, I am NOT exaggerating, people....I did NOT have a clear sense of what reality was or IF reality was, or if I was.
The mental states than dp and anxiety can take a person into are UNbelieveable. And very very few people want to walk around like me, lol....bragging about how nuts they once felt. So very few of us really know that other people have ever "been there." THEY HAVE. I read it all the time, encounter it all the time in case studies, etc....at the analytic institute. This is just a part of mental life that few people go public with. So you get on the internet and start looking up "schizophrenia" and think "yes! See! That's me! I am insane and noboby realizes it."
Wrong.
I was there, guys. And whether you like me, love me or find me terribly annoying (grin), clearly I am not insane. and despite your own horrible secret thoughts and fears, neither are you.
GOT it?
Peace,
Janine
