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I feel like I struggle to feel safe as an adult. As a kid I did not think to much, I just was who I was, and it seems like we all struggle to do so now. If I was sad I cried, if I was happy, I was happy. I ran around did my own thing and did not think to much about anything. When I grew up I felt like I had to change, I could not always just run around play video games, do my thing, sit around at family dinners without saying anything. All my siblings, my friends became so talkative and good at speaking with people. They were so good at talking about what they did, how their vacation was. I knew that it was just their natural way of behaving, but it did not come naturally to me. I don't have a very talkative personality but in life there are so many situations where you have to communicate. I saw a big problem in front of me. I was determined to get better at speaking. I did everything, listen closely to how people spoke, tried to communicate, analysed, when was did I manage to speak in the way I liked, when did I fail, repeted sentences in my head. But when I just felt extremely safe words just came naturally to me and I felt like I could just be me. But all of this was very exhausting. I always postponed situations that I could not handle where I felt like people where better at speaking then me and thought to myself if only I was good at speaking then I would be the person that I wanted, and become confident and bla blah. I think small issues that we post-pone that we are not able to handle but that we have to in our lifes can lead to dissossiation. For myself it's about talking, and having anxiety when reading in front of the class, being me with certain types of people. I myself have handled so many situations in this state of mind that I could not in my normal state of mind. I felt like I had to speak in a certain way, act in a certain way. but it does not matter. I had an inner feeling that people were watching me all the time. I was always on hyperalert around other people. But people do not care. i think all of this feeling like you have to talk in a certain way, be in a certain way, prepare for situations and feel like you have to be better at speaking lead to me just not focusing on me anymore. I don't know all of this is very hard. I am just pissed of and I want to get rid of this and I think you should be pissed of at this maybe our brain will understand that we want this shit to go away.
 
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