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I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years last week. Not having anything to do with my DP. Just felt like he was really unmotivated to share a future with me. I hated his slacker ways. I called him on the phone and ended things (not out of fear or anything, just our circumstances permitted). At first I was crying. I actually had felt emotions! We argued for a little and I was actually angry. Then he got sad and started to cry.
I went numb.
After I did it we just sat on the phone for a long while. Instead of feeling sad I was contemplating how to get him off the phone. I'm crying just thinking about how insensitive i was. As I hung up with him, his "good bye" was the softest and saddest things I had ever heard.
I smiled.
I still love him though. With all my soul... sometimes. Whenever we were together I would have days where I wouldn't like him at all. Those times were the hardest. We'd argue the most then. He had no idea I was saying the foul stuff I did because I wasn't the same girl that was in love with him five minutes ago. I hated it. My episodes usually kicked in when we would have serious moments. He's be upset about something I did and instead of feeling remorseful as i should have, I had the overwhelming urge to laugh? Has that happened to anyone else? We were on he verge of breaking up one night and he was on the verge of tears (my tough guy) and instead of feeling awful, I was trying my hardest not to burst out laughing. I hated these moments. I always felt like our relationship would have been a lot more intimate had I have been normal like I used to be. I think he felt that and was frustrated by it. It sucks because here is the guy I love the most in my life and actually deserves it and I can't even give him the love he deserves. Before when i was "normal", i didn't even have to think about it with my exes that didn't deserve it. He never got to be in a relationship with the real me like they did. I don't even remember what that felt like: emotional consistency in a relationship. I hated when I felt like I didn't love him. I would have to watch my actions closely to make sure I didn't do something I would regret when my episodes were over. I felt like it was unfair to be with him. He deserves someone that would love him for him. Not just sometimes.
I had always dreamed of my wedding. My theme planned out, what style dress I wanted. Everything. Now I no longer want to get married. I don't want to date again. And that isn't an exaggeration. I don't think I'm fit to be in a relationship I don't think it would be fair. I don't even know how you would explain that to a spouse or someone you're dating. "Sorry, but I only love you sometimes??" They deserve more. I'ts not a fair situation when the person can love you with all their heat but one day wake up and be able to walk out on you the next day like nothing happened. Even now, my boyfriend is heart broken but I feel nothing. I guess I can say that's the only upside of this disorder. But I feel guilty. I think he can see that I'm not as phased by our break up as he is. Maybe because I'm the one that initiated it? He may just know something's wrong. When we were together i felt like he would look at me extra hard during my episodes. Like he knew something wasn't right; something was different about me. He could never know what. Sometimes i get urge to tell him but I'm scared he'll think, just like i think everyone else will, every time we talk, i'm having an episode. He was my escape when I wasn't so to have him know wold mean me facing it head on. I don't think he, or anyone else would understand completely anyway. That they'd just look for signs of my episodes.
Just another way DP has affected my life. Has anyone else gone through relationship issues? How did you handle them? How has your spouse taken it? Should I give up dating?
(Excuse my typos!)

ღ Fiona ღ
 
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