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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I can remember reading these stories on the old discussion board a few years ago in 2000, they were my life line. I must have read through a hundred stories, sifting for familiar symptoms and any possibiity of cure or recovery. In the end it was where I found my 'cure' by contacting the depersonalisation research Unit at the Maudsley in London. Someone had mentioned that they were trialing a new drug for DP. I printed of the details and handed it to my Psychiatrist and I told him that I had found this web site and thought I had DP disorder.

I had a horse riding accident in Dec 1999 and fell on my head, I was not wearing a helmet. I quickly spiralled into deep depression and anxiety and later DP, although I didn't know that was what it was called at the time. It was like I had undergone a slow psychological death. I felt my sense of self dissapearing down inside of me until one day I felt that I had passed into another realm, that I had dissapeared and that all that was left of me was a shell. But the shell was not calm, it was full of intense fear and anxiety, it was like I was suspended in this most frightening liquid.

I could feel and think nothing, it was like my mind was locked, shut down, no emotion, no tears, no anger just fear and confusion. I felt nothing towards people or my surroundings. I would pace up and down all day from 10am to 10pm, when I miracuously managed to sleep. I just could not stand still, I ate constantly. The movement was an attempt to distract me from the psychological confusion, weirdness, strangeness, I just didn't understand what was happening to me.

I kept seeing my Psychiatrist telling her that I was trapped in this strange place and I could not get out of it. She listened to me and said it would go with the drugs but gave me no explanation of what was happening to me apart from depression, but I knew it was something more than that something different. The drugs did nothing, I was like that for 3 months until I thought the only way out was suicide.

So I overdosed and ended up in hospital, voluntarily but under threat of section if I tried to leave. I was put on different anti depressants, told that I was no different fron anyone else, despite my insistence that this was something different. I was given intense psychoanalytical psychotherapy, 3 times a week for 6 months, nothing changed, I was still trapped in this awful suffocating place, detached from everyone and everything. I had constant suicidal thoughts and was desperate to end my life.

It was then that I found this site and for the first time I could find a name for what I was feeling, DP ! I had a different doctor by then and told him that I thought I had DPD, he said I couldn't possibly have that as it was a rare psychiatric disorder. The next day he came back and said yes you do have DPD but there is no cure !. I said well I have no option then but to kill myself as I have zero quality of life and the feeling of strangeness was so intense I could not concieve of living with it. I told him about the DPRU at the Maudslay and he refered me. Fortunately there was a pharmacist in the ward round who had heard of the trial with Lamotragine and that it had had some success. It was another 3 months before I got down there and then 3 months to get up to target dose. I couldn't believe it, the DP slowly dissapeared and I began to feel real and normal again.

The journey I went on to come out of unreality was weird. At first I was trapped in this glass sphere, totally seperated from the world, I used to call myself indigo non-self. I had no access to my personality, who I had been.
Then the sphere got a little more spacious and I felt fragments of my former self come into consciousness, little bits of me disconnected from one another, yet they still didn't feel like they belonged to me. Then they started to come together, I felt like I was flying, weightless, insubstantial, barely there, particles in the air. Then I felt myself become more centred and grounded, eventually my feet touched the ground and I felt more solid, more real, like my former self. I didn't have to touch myself any longer to check that I was there.

Well that's my story, now I am a few years on and no longer have any DP or DR. I take my drugs, Anafranil and lamotragine and have no wish to come of them for fear of a reaccurance. I am probably not cured but at least treated. It's only now after all this time that I feel strong enough to write my story on here. Now I can feel the wind in my face, I can cry and laugh and feel real emotion when I look at the world around me. It's there right next to me, it's in touch with my skin and I am part of it, connected, no longer estranged.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I can remember reading these stories on the old discussion board a few years ago in 2000, they were my life line. I must have read through a hundred stories, sifting for familiar symptoms and any possibiity of cure or recovery. In the end it was where I found my 'cure' by contacting the depersonalisation research Unit at the Maudsley in London. Someone had mentioned that they were trialing a new drug for DP. I printed of the details and handed it to my Psychiatrist and I told him that I had found this web site and thought I had DP disorder.

I had a horse riding accident in Dec 1999 and fell on my head, I was not wearing a helmet. I quickly spiralled into deep depression and anxiety and later DP, although I didn't know that was what it was called at the time. It was like I had undergone a slow psychological death. I felt my sense of self dissapearing down inside of me until one day I felt that I had passed into another realm, that I had dissapeared and that all that was left of me was a shell. But the shell was not calm, it was full of intense fear and anxiety, it was like I was suspended in this most frightening liquid.

I could feel and think nothing, it was like my mind was locked, shut down, no emotion, no tears, no anger just fear and confusion. I felt nothing towards people or my surroundings. I would pace up and down all day from 10am to 10pm, when I miracuously managed to sleep. I just could not stand still, I ate constantly. The movement was an attempt to distract me from the psychological confusion, weirdness, strangeness, I just didn't understand what was happening to me.

I kept seeing my Psychiatrist telling her that I was trapped in this strange place and I could not get out of it. She listened to me and said it would go with the drugs but gave me no explanation of what was happening to me apart from depression, but I knew it was something more than that something different. The drugs did nothing, I was like that for 3 months until I thought the only way out was suicide.

So I overdosed and ended up in hospital, voluntarily but under threat of section if I tried to leave. I was put on different anti depressants, told that I was no different fron anyone else, despite my insistence that this was something different. I was given intense psychoanalytical psychotherapy, 3 times a week for 6 months, nothing changed, I was still trapped in this awful suffocating place, detached from everyone and everything. I had constant suicidal thoughts and was desperate to end my life.

It was then that I found this site and for the first time I could find a name for what I was feeling, DP ! I had a different doctor by then and told him that I thought I had DPD, he said I couldn't possibly have that as it was a rare psychiatric disorder. The next day he came back and said yes you do have DPD but there is no cure !. I said well I have no option then but to kill myself as I have zero quality of life and the feeling of strangeness was so intense I could not concieve of living with it. I told him about the DPRU at the Maudslay and he refered me. Fortunately there was a pharmacist in the ward round who had heard of the trial with Lamotragine and that it had had some success. It was another 3 months before I got down there and then 3 months to get up to target dose. I couldn't believe it, the DP slowly dissapeared and I began to feel real and normal again.

The journey I went on to come out of unreality was weird. At first I was trapped in this glass sphere, totally seperated from the world, I used to call myself indigo non-self. I had no access to my personality, who I had been.
Then the sphere got a little more spacious and I felt fragments of my former self come into consciousness, little bits of me disconnected from one another, yet they still didn't feel like they belonged to me. Then they started to come together, I felt like I was flying, weightless, insubstantial, barely there, particles in the air. Then I felt myself become more centred and grounded, eventually my feet touched the ground and I felt more solid, more real, like my former self. I didn't have to touch myself any longer to check that I was there.

Well that's my story, now I am a few years on and no longer have any DP or DR. I take my drugs, Anafranil and lamotragine and have no wish to come of them for fear of a reaccurance. I am probably not cured but at least treated. It's only now after all this time that I feel strong enough to write my story on here. Now I can feel the wind in my face, I can cry and laugh and feel real emotion when I look at the world around me. It's there right next to me, it's in touch with my skin and I am part of it, connected, no longer estranged.
 
G

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That is a wonderful story - and THANK you for coming back here and sharing your experience after recovery.

I am so happy for you. And no need to come off the med combo. You found something that works for you!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

:p
Janine
 
G

·
That is a wonderful story - and THANK you for coming back here and sharing your experience after recovery.

I am so happy for you. And no need to come off the med combo. You found something that works for you!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

:p
Janine
 

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The way you describe your dp is one of the most harrowing severe accounts of it I can recall reading. I have chronic DR which is really boring, but my DP i.e. my estrangement from my own body and mind although constant is a lot more subtle now, though there was a time when I felt emotionally deadened. Now I'm just in the glass shpere all the time....I can function in it but I'd rather be living how I know life should be lived.
But you've come back from the pit of hell with a bit of good fortune and I'm sure, though you dont really mention it, a lot of persistence and desire to live. That's what we all need...as long as we hold on to that we will all get better!

Good for you. Keep cheering us on from the other side!!

Gav
 

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Registered
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91 Posts
The way you describe your dp is one of the most harrowing severe accounts of it I can recall reading. I have chronic DR which is really boring, but my DP i.e. my estrangement from my own body and mind although constant is a lot more subtle now, though there was a time when I felt emotionally deadened. Now I'm just in the glass shpere all the time....I can function in it but I'd rather be living how I know life should be lived.
But you've come back from the pit of hell with a bit of good fortune and I'm sure, though you dont really mention it, a lot of persistence and desire to live. That's what we all need...as long as we hold on to that we will all get better!

Good for you. Keep cheering us on from the other side!!

Gav
 
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