[whiterabbit]

I find it really hard to post when I am not able to think straight, but I am losing it here, because in the last twenty four hours I have experienced state changes in and out of my 'ill' or dp'ed self and I am not used to this and I don't know how to cope any longer. I don't even know if it is dp or dr or whatever, what I experience largely is this: a feeling of not being there, I can see my environment but I can't grasp it, can't respond to it, I have no response. And I feel very empty of words and also of no feeling towards others, friends etc and a sense of being an observer, I suppose 'behind glass' feeling is the right description. And generally disconnected and unco-ordinated. Can't concentrate on anything, feels like I am not really looking at things, that they are not registering. I can't access anything very much - thoughts, feelings, imagination, memories and I can't focus very easily. I am very low functioning in this state, can't get myself to do very much, think anything through, so making meals, or shopping, anything really is quite a challenge. I have spent months like this, and then will come out of it quite suddenly, so have a bi-polar diagnosis. Because it started when I was ten and undeclared for a very long time, I have very strong core beliefs that I am not really human, and a whole matrix of thoughts and perceptions about others which come from this, and that I am not ill, and that this is what I am, a no-self, and I should be dead. I have just been out with a friend for a walk and that sense of not being there and being empty was too much for me to be able to really connect with her, she knows my state, but I just feel crap. What is this, this emptiness, this disorientation, this not being? Help!

 

[whiterabbit]

I find it really hard to post when I am not able to think straight, but I am losing it here, because in the last twenty four hours I have experienced state changes in and out of my 'ill' or dp'ed self and I am not used to this and I don't know how to cope any longer. I don't even know if it is dp or dr or whatever, what I experience largely is this: a feeling of not being there, I can see my environment but I can't grasp it, can't respond to it, I have no response. And I feel very empty of words and also of no feeling towards others, friends etc and a sense of being an observer, I suppose 'behind glass' feeling is the right description. And generally disconnected and unco-ordinated. Can't concentrate on anything, feels like I am not really looking at things, that they are not registering. I can't access anything very much - thoughts, feelings, imagination, memories and I can't focus very easily. I am very low functioning in this state, can't get myself to do very much, think anything through, so making meals, or shopping, anything really is quite a challenge. I have spent months like this, and then will come out of it quite suddenly, so have a bi-polar diagnosis. Because it started when I was ten and undeclared for a very long time, I have very strong core beliefs that I am not really human, and a whole matrix of thoughts and perceptions about others which come from this, and that I am not ill, and that this is what I am, a no-self, and I should be dead. I have just been out with a friend for a walk and that sense of not being there and being empty was too much for me to be able to really connect with her, she knows my state, but I just feel crap. What is this, this emptiness, this disorientation, this not being? Help!

 

[Guest]

I've meant to note before that you have a great screename. Assuming you pulled it from the song, it is very fitting for this stuff.

As I would for everyone else here - if I had the magic answer I would gladly give it to you. I'm responding now to point out something that amazes me about DP/DR. You talk of not being here....unable to respond........empty. And yet your post was obviously typed out by someone who is very much "here". Sentence structure, punctuation, logic, etc. - all as it should be. All in the right places.

You really are here you know. It may feel otherwise.......feel as though you are suspended between being and not, but that's all it is. A feeling. A very bizarre sensation.

I wish I knew what the answer is for you. And me.
Too bad we can't just go ask Alice.

 

[Guest]

I've meant to note before that you have a great screename. Assuming you pulled it from the song, it is very fitting for this stuff.

As I would for everyone else here - if I had the magic answer I would gladly give it to you. I'm responding now to point out something that amazes me about DP/DR. You talk of not being here....unable to respond........empty. And yet your post was obviously typed out by someone who is very much "here". Sentence structure, punctuation, logic, etc. - all as it should be. All in the right places.

You really are here you know. It may feel otherwise.......feel as though you are suspended between being and not, but that's all it is. A feeling. A very bizarre sensation.

I wish I knew what the answer is for you. And me.
Too bad we can't just go ask Alice.

 

[shadowness]

when i get to the stage when i feel like i cannot cope anymore...

i try and realise that during all that time when i am saying i cannot cope...

i am coping...

if you see what i mean...

all the time spent thinking about not coping i actually am as i have not collapsed or died or anything...

i know that might be of any help...

but sometimes looking at all the other times when i have said that i cannot cope can help to prove i can.

hang in there...

 

[shadowness]

when i get to the stage when i feel like i cannot cope anymore...

i try and realise that during all that time when i am saying i cannot cope...

i am coping...

if you see what i mean...

all the time spent thinking about not coping i actually am as i have not collapsed or died or anything...

i know that might be of any help...

but sometimes looking at all the other times when i have said that i cannot cope can help to prove i can.

hang in there...

 

[kenc127]

hey-

It sounds like something similar to what I have gone through and continue to go through. What you describe is exactly like the DR experience. The only thing that has given me any level of relief from this is to stay busy, and to focus on ANYTHING BUT how you're feeling, and quit symptom checking. The very act of focusing on yourself and what may or may not be going on believe it or not, creates these symptoms. The brain simply cannot handle high levels of inward focusing. Just like it was a process to start thinking inward, its going to be a CHALLENGING AND DIFFICULT process to reverse that. Just hang in there and know that what you are experiencing is common to most of us on the board. You're not going nuts because you have enough presence of mind to put together a coherent response. You will get passed this and you will succeed. Just practice focusing on other things when you notice youre obsessing about your health. In time, when you get better at focusing outward as Janine would say, your brain will begin to return to a non DPDR state. But remember, this is very hard to do, but it can definitely be achieved through self discipline and motivation. Take care. PM me if you want to talk.

Ken

 

[kenc127]

hey-

It sounds like something similar to what I have gone through and continue to go through. What you describe is exactly like the DR experience. The only thing that has given me any level of relief from this is to stay busy, and to focus on ANYTHING BUT how you're feeling, and quit symptom checking. The very act of focusing on yourself and what may or may not be going on believe it or not, creates these symptoms. The brain simply cannot handle high levels of inward focusing. Just like it was a process to start thinking inward, its going to be a CHALLENGING AND DIFFICULT process to reverse that. Just hang in there and know that what you are experiencing is common to most of us on the board. You're not going nuts because you have enough presence of mind to put together a coherent response. You will get passed this and you will succeed. Just practice focusing on other things when you notice youre obsessing about your health. In time, when you get better at focusing outward as Janine would say, your brain will begin to return to a non DPDR state. But remember, this is very hard to do, but it can definitely be achieved through self discipline and motivation. Take care. PM me if you want to talk.

Ken

 

[whiterabbit]

Thank you all for responding - yes, I shall continue to try and focus outwards as you suggest Kenc. I am just finding it reallly difficult to get a handle on it today because I am not used to this variability in such a short period of time, it has been with me for varying degrees for the last two or three weeks, after a more 'normal' depressive downslide of six weeks up to mid-August and after over a year of being more or less well. This afternoon's walk freaked me out because it was the sort of level of blankness and fractured state of 'not being' and indifference that I thought I had left behind. Can't think much more beyond this. Thanks again Sarah x

 

[whiterabbit]

Thank you all for responding - yes, I shall continue to try and focus outwards as you suggest Kenc. I am just finding it reallly difficult to get a handle on it today because I am not used to this variability in such a short period of time, it has been with me for varying degrees for the last two or three weeks, after a more 'normal' depressive downslide of six weeks up to mid-August and after over a year of being more or less well. This afternoon's walk freaked me out because it was the sort of level of blankness and fractured state of 'not being' and indifference that I thought I had left behind. Can't think much more beyond this. Thanks again Sarah x

 

[kenc127]

nice. hang in there. you can do this =D

 

[kenc127]

nice. hang in there. you can do this =D

 

[Guest]

am not used to this variability in such a short period of time, it has been with me for varying degrees for the last two or three weeks, after a more 'normal' depressive downslide of six weeks up to mid-August and after over a year of being more or less well. This afternoon's walk freaked me out because it was the sort of level of blankness and fractured state of 'not being' and indifference that I thought I had left behind

Okay, Alice checking in here, lol....dear WRabbit: if you can chart the above in that detail (like a darn scientist observing details in an experiment), you are paying WAY too much attention to your progress and daily states.

The way out of all this is to do whatever inner work you need to do on OTHER areas of yourself (not your symptoms) but things like relationships, fears in life, goals, dreams, lost dreams, regrets, loss, failures, anger, old grudges, desires, etc. etc. etc.

Then as for symptoms: do NOT monitor them. Do not take note of how you feel today compared to yesterday. If you had a physical illness, that careful charted detail might be very helpful to a doctor, to know if a med is working, or how your physical condition/illness is progressing or healing. But for mental stuff, it is totally unhelpful - and KEEPS the problem of self-observation going strong.

Peace,
Alice
p.s. go out to at least one teaparty a week. That way you stay involved in life, regardless of how "real" you do or don't feel.

 

[Guest]

am not used to this variability in such a short period of time, it has been with me for varying degrees for the last two or three weeks, after a more 'normal' depressive downslide of six weeks up to mid-August and after over a year of being more or less well. This afternoon's walk freaked me out because it was the sort of level of blankness and fractured state of 'not being' and indifference that I thought I had left behind

Okay, Alice checking in here, lol....dear WRabbit: if you can chart the above in that detail (like a darn scientist observing details in an experiment), you are paying WAY too much attention to your progress and daily states.

The way out of all this is to do whatever inner work you need to do on OTHER areas of yourself (not your symptoms) but things like relationships, fears in life, goals, dreams, lost dreams, regrets, loss, failures, anger, old grudges, desires, etc. etc. etc.

Then as for symptoms: do NOT monitor them. Do not take note of how you feel today compared to yesterday. If you had a physical illness, that careful charted detail might be very helpful to a doctor, to know if a med is working, or how your physical condition/illness is progressing or healing. But for mental stuff, it is totally unhelpful - and KEEPS the problem of self-observation going strong.

Peace,
Alice
p.s. go out to at least one teaparty a week. That way you stay involved in life, regardless of how "real" you do or don't feel.

 

[Guest]

Who's Alice?
Or does Janine have more than one name?(forgive if im too curious)

 

[Guest]

Who's Alice?
Or does Janine have more than one name?(forgive if im too curious)

 

[terri*]

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
"Feed your head
Feed your head
Feed your head"

Hi I,

Besides being "Alice" as in Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, you have this song...Go Ask Alice/Jefferson Airplane... from the early 70's. Of course, there is also the song "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie but this song does not include a rabbit so I'm thinking that is not the Alice of which they speak.

Personally, I just hate it when the White Knight starts talking backwards. :shock:

terri

 

[terri*]

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
"Feed your head
Feed your head
Feed your head"

Hi I,

Besides being "Alice" as in Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, you have this song...Go Ask Alice/Jefferson Airplane... from the early 70's. Of course, there is also the song "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie but this song does not include a rabbit so I'm thinking that is not the Alice of which they speak.

Personally, I just hate it when the White Knight starts talking backwards. :shock:

terri

 

[Guest]

I m not really sure but I do think there is a white rabbit in "alice in wonderland".
When I was small I sometimes watched the trick series on tv and I have the picture of a white rabbit in my mind, I think he was the one who tried to take care of alice and warn her about being too careless, but alice used to check everything out by herself. But I am not really sure what the alice tale is about...

 

[Guest]

I m not really sure but I do think there is a white rabbit in "alice in wonderland".
When I was small I sometimes watched the trick series on tv and I have the picture of a white rabbit in my mind, I think he was the one who tried to take care of alice and warn her about being too careless, but alice used to check everything out by herself. But I am not really sure what the alice tale is about...