Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I find it really hard to post when I am not able to think straight, but I am losing it here, because in the last twenty four hours I have experienced state changes in and out of my 'ill' or dp'ed self and I am not used to this and I don't know how to cope any longer. I don't even know if it is dp or dr or whatever, what I experience largely is this: a feeling of not being there, I can see my environment but I can't grasp it, can't respond to it, I have no response. And I feel very empty of words and also of no feeling towards others, friends etc and a sense of being an observer, I suppose 'behind glass' feeling is the right description. And generally disconnected and unco-ordinated. Can't concentrate on anything, feels like I am not really looking at things, that they are not registering. I can't access anything very much - thoughts, feelings, imagination, memories and I can't focus very easily. I am very low functioning in this state, can't get myself to do very much, think anything through, so making meals, or shopping, anything really is quite a challenge. I have spent months like this, and then will come out of it quite suddenly, so have a bi-polar diagnosis. Because it started when I was ten and undeclared for a very long time, I have very strong core beliefs that I am not really human, and a whole matrix of thoughts and perceptions about others which come from this, and that I am not ill, and that this is what I am, a no-self, and I should be dead. I have just been out with a friend for a walk and that sense of not being there and being empty was too much for me to be able to really connect with her, she knows my state, but I just feel crap. What is this, this emptiness, this disorientation, this not being? Help!