That was me, kiddo....there was one day early on with my psychiatrist...and he said "you're okay. Right now, you're really okay. You're just scared."
And it was early enough that I didn't want to be totally honest (didn't want to scare away this nice man, as I might really need him when I eventually went insane and they had to lock me up....he seemed like such a decent guy I figured maybe he would keep them from doing terrible things to me when I could no longer prevent anything myself).
So I said "okay..okay...thanks" and acted like I was just nervous. Anxious. Scared.
Inside however, where Truth hid, I 'knew' I was moments from the End. I knew I had NEVER before that moment ever felt that far gone, and despite how I looked, despite the fact that I still knew proper english and could still recall that sentences were formed with nouns first and then verbs....all that - EVERY single piece of knowledge and awareness that I had ever learned was being drained out of myself and would be gone....maybe even before the session was over
How could I tell him, this kind man who I would need one day, that I was not there at that moment he reassured me I was "okay"??
How could I tell him that my mind was GONE...that I did still remember enough of reality to know how to act, so far...but that NONE of the feeling, or the sense of reality or the AWARENESS OF MYSELF...none of it was left.
I could just as easily sit there and nod as I could scream at the top of my lungs and throw myself out his window.
I could just as easily sit there and smile as I could grab at the first sharp object I saw and plunge it into my own gut in an effort to either feel SOMEthing or die.
I could just as easily hand him a check for the month as I could walk into the wall on my way out, as if there was another dimension I could enter...because I already had entered it.
I was not there. I was insane. I had left my own mind and NOBODY on this goddamn earth had every felt this....it was abject, utter terror....
But I smiled and nodded and walked through the door instead of the wall.
And that night I assumed I'd be fully gone by morning.
ANd ... I'm still here.
I do know, Clay. I swear to you, friend, I do know.
Both of these posts make me cry. I know these feelings all too well and I'm only 18 years old. Although I rarely feel them anymore because I seem to be slipping back into reality, I still have the days where I'm so confused and all I can manage to do is cry and drag myself through every single second.
SC, Clay, I wish there was something I could do for you because nobody deserves to feel like this. It's horrible and it's so heart breaking. All I can tell you is that it's so important to keep some hope. I wish I had a miracle I could give you. I would gladly give you one over giving myself one anyday. Don't give up. You ARE trying. I notice it in every single post you make. You're taking time off of work, you're trying different cognitive approaches, you are TRYING. And it's all you can do right now. Don't be so hard on yourself. ok? You have a good family, you are very intelligent, very caring, and very very deserving of recovery and I hope with all of my heart that it comes to you. Smile, ok? Instead of frowning and being upset over the things you don't have, smile over the things you do have. Even if you smile for just a second. It's one less second with a frown on your face.
im gonna add my twist to the theme of this thread because i can relate to SC.
I sit here & wonder how exactly my life got to this point & how something like this could have possibly occured. It still to this day doesn't make complete sense to me.
I sit here and wonder why do i go to therapy if i still feel miserable & DP/DR? Or do i even have DP/DR? Am i just so lost & fucked up that it could just be that.
I sit here and wonder that maybe i don't belong on this site to, usually when i make a post i get minimal responses, its like noone can answer my questions a good amount of the time, probably because they don't understand, but when other people make posts, they get a good amount of replies. Which again makes me wonder if i really don't belong in this group, sorta like how SC questions if he belongs in this group.
I sit here and wonder why my attitude is horrible, why i constantly have arguments with my parents, why my life is falling apart, or at least feels that way, why must females be so impossible etc etc
I wonder alot of things to & usually never get clear cut answers, which leaves me more frustrated. How can i straighten my life out, when i don't know where to begin?
of course im not expecting answers from anyone, when i make posts like this, i just think & wonder that most people here are probably like " what the hell are you talkin about?" or think that im just complaining.
I'm so sorry....I hate to read posts like these. If you have to, quit your job and travel to Europe to get treatment. Whatever it takes. I dont think your case is anywhere near hopeless, and I had the same symptom of not knowing what part of me deep down was willing my fingers to type. I dont know how this feels by itself, because I had 2D vision and DR at the time as well. If I were your doctor, I would tell you that I saw great hope in your case because you're such a blank canvass. You rarely try meds, and when you do, I dont think you always give them a good trial. You've never tried biofeedback, which is used for head injuries. I dont think you've even been to a hypnotist for your anxiety states. Heck, I bet there's a psychoanalyst somewhere in your corner of the state, if thats the route you want to pursue. You seem to pursue these things in thought, but never quite in action. I think your just indecisive because your afraid, afraid of failure if you seek treatment, and afraid of change if it works. But its always easier to remain in a protected, familiar, environment and just think of what might be. Dont do that to yourself anymore. Take this thing on aggressively, and head on. Whats the worst that can happen? Take Janine's advice, head to an analyst, find out you have a hidden trauma or a deep personality flaw, and work with this recognition. Not so bad, right? Or go to the Amen clinic, find out you have lousy temporal lobe metabolism from your near-death car crash, and take a medicine to help it out, and maybe even use some biofeedback at the clinic. What's wrong with those two options? Your DP cant get any worse, my friend. Its only up from where your standing. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but your case has alot of promise, if you pursue it!
Hey, I know some of what you're saying, sc. The lonliness and the lack of will, the "why should I"s and the not caring. One of my worst symptoms was this anxiousness and frustration with life. And not being able to explain things to anyone, not even myself.
All it takes is time, patience, and learning. I know it's difficult for you to read this when I have no experience compared to you, but it's true.
Whatever is wrong with you, and I mean anything and everything needs to be evaluated and considered. Even if you are slightly on the "too popular with the ladies" side. Because we all know that little secret about you, Clay.
Hang in there, buddy. We're here to help you, wherever you really are, and wherever we really are.
i love aging, unattractive wackos.
i've been off work myself since may. back to school supposedly on wed if i can manage it. if i can't i'll just have to walk out. i think time off to analyse has possibly been sending me into orbit as well. i dont know your story but if its any help, after about 10 years of various dp states i crashed this spring/summer. back to original hel of first episode. severe depression hit in as wel. phoned gp and told receptionist i was having a break down and needed urgent appointment. thinking i ws heading for the mental hospital for any kind of peace. if they can offer it there.possibly not.
anyway he gave me an ssri zoloft and some benzos. if it was possible o go into a worse state i did. i'm not going to hold any punches because i nearly didnt make it through as gps dont say ssris initially send people like me to hel. wel he doesnt know about my drug history or dp.
the thing is i've been taking this stuff for 10 days now and depression and dp are lesening. i'm still working on the dp trying to focus on stuf but most of the time although i feel dped it is definately lessening.
also theres some stuff here i've been doing if youre interested.
Neurological imbalance - Mycotoxins interfere with production of coenzyme A resulting in severe depression. The mycotoxin acetaldehyde is continually produced by yeast and fungus (Y/F) and converted by the liver into alcohol.
Common symptoms such as paranoia, sleeplessness, panic attacks, depression etc are simply the result of being poisoned. People spend fruitless long periods in therapy trying to come to psychological grips with an imbalance in brain and central nervous system caused by toxicity. The really tough cases are prescribed Prozac or something worse.
Anti-psychotic drugs, prescribed drugs, antibiotics, poor nutrition, emotional strain , alcohol abuse, smoking, lack of exercise and rest all combine to weaken the immune system.
Clean the bowel, nourish the body, balance body pH and get rid of Y/F.
Drink green juice, eat mostly salads, sprouted beans, lots of vegetables especially parsley, avocadoes, tomatoes, onions and garlic and all green vegs. Best fruit are lemons, limes and grapefruit. Eat almonds, brazil and hazel nuts and all the seeds.
Don't eat sugar, sweets, white flour, processed or tinned foods or junk food.
Don't eat protein and carbohydrates in the same meat and drink 2 litres of water each day.
For neurological imbalance it is especially important to take essential fatty acids - omega 3 and omega 6 - daily.
Omega 3 - Fish such as trout, salmon, mackerel and sardines. Best sources are fish oils and flaxseed oil.
Omega 6 - Borage seed oil and evening primrose oil."
Oils, including olive oil seem to be very important. I stir a dessertspoon of flax seed oil into my porridge (made with millet, quinoa, soya milk and some honey)in the morning. Holland and Barrett make an 'optimum oil blend' which contains all of the required oils. Put a spoonful of it on vegetables, soup, pasta or whatever you are eating when food is cooked.
I know this is a VERY old thread, but maybe someone will read it. I know some people don't believe Candida has anything to do with DP, but I think it DOES. It is actually the other way around about the ethanol in the yeast..the alcohol is produced FIRST- THEN it turns into acetaldehyde in the liver. This is what does the damage to alcoholics- it is not the ethanol. It is the waste product and this chemical wreaks ABSOLUTE havoc in the mind and body when it is toxifying the brain and other organs. Getting off all yeast producing foods and taking Vitamin B-5 a.k.a. "the clear head pill", N.A.C. with molybdenum will all help with the "herxeimer effect" which is when this yeast/fungi die off and can produce bizarre symptoms, DP being one of them. I know some dr.s think it is hogwash. But I cleared up my head alot when I was on a low carb diet I noticed ALL my dp symptoms STOPPED. I was not feeding the candida. I was eating no wheat. NO sugar. Hope this can help someone.
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