I know this is simple repetition. Everyone here probably experiences the same things I do and maybe worse. I felt the need to post something to remind me that I'm not completely alone. I don't think im going mad but sometimes I sit down and stare at a wall and get lost in this "dream." I can act normal, I can feel sorrow, and joy but I can never directly experience it. I can never have that complete access to the world I once had. Before DP I certainly wasnt happy but at least my unhappiness had a direct relation to things going on around me. Now I tend to feel like a brain suspended in a vat, complete isolation regardless of where or who im with. I tend to catch myself rehearshing conversations as if the only person I can talk to is my own voice in my head. At its worst I actually come close to believing these delusions. I really am far away, I really have died a long time ago, this is all just a shadow or a reflection of a more integrated self that exists in a past I can no longer access. I want to be 5 years old again. I want to have that naive sense of wonder and relation to things around me.
All I get is a series of intense inner monologues that never stop. The questions never cease, and the answers never come. I want to be able to feel connected to someone or something. I want to be able to love life and actually live within it instead of outside of it. I want to know that there is a God who loves me, I want to know that when all is said and done everything will be taken care of, it will all have been a long and arduous test that I have completed and can move on from. I want to be whole again.
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