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Im new, is this DPDR and can i get better?

1378 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Mandy413
Hello everyone, im new to these forums and thought id start here since its the most popular part.

I think this started after a loved one passed away? Ive had super bad anxiety and ocd in my life and have had this feeling before when having panic attacks but it went away. Lots of the time, i feel im not really here or that nothing is real, that i could be dreaming or that im dying or something. I keep thinking super deep existential thoughts that started with "why am i here?" "Whats the meaning of life?" i thought it was just an existential crisis but i have it all the time and its making me super depressed because nothing seems to have any meaning. I am also dwelling on death and afterlife and stuff like nothingness and eternity scare me. Because of all this, nothing seems to matter anymore. Espessially materialistic things. Before, i used to worry about things like drama and social issues used to bother me but now they dont matter anymore! I used to be really emotional about relationships and things and now those dont seem to matter! Im worried because alot of people i talked to say "Oh it gets easier to deal with" but i dont know if they had this an intense as i have and i just want to delete this from my memory! I dont have any sense of time either, like its like im only aware of RIGHT NOW, my memories dont feel real or dont feel like mine and the future seems like just a continuation of right now where nothing is different. I constantly question "Did that really happen? Am i really experiancing this right now? Am i in a dream right now?" sometimes it gets so bad, i think my life is just planned out, that i could be the only one accually in existence and that everythings just my imagination...i constantly do quizes online to see if i have dp or depression or anxiety. I get very confused all the time, espessially if i do normal stuff i used to do and then question if im really doing it right now. Sometimes nothing looks familiar and i cant feel anything or any connect to anything around me, as if im NOTHING or something, its super scary. Im super aware of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, feelings i SHOULD have. I very rarely feel im not in my body. There was also a time where a tried marijuanna and it was the worst ive ever felt unreal, like i looked at my body moving but it didnt feel like i was moving or in control of myself or even my thoughts. Ive noticed if i start feeling more "normal" i start feeling very depressed or anxious which makes it hard to think i have a hopeful future...sometimes happiness itself doesnt seem to matter. All day, i find it hard to look around. Looking at everything should help me feel more connected but i get the sense im not really there or nothings real but i try to ignore it but i get it ALL day long. Can this go away? I feel like ive reached a point where ive realized something that changes my mind forever and that nothing else will ever matter like it did again. Some family members think its just depression and anxiety. I thought "maybe this is just how the adult mind works" since im in my early twenties and that scares me so much, i feel like everythings been stripped away from me! This cant just be an existential crisis, it feels like my soul itself is in limbo or something. Can i get better?
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Yes, it´s dp/dr. Maybe more dr than dp, since you mentioned you very rarely feel like you're not in your body.
You seem pretty new to this even though you've experienced it before, so I'll try to explain further:

DP - involves the loss of connetion to yourself
DR - involves the loss of connection to your surroundings

Even though I can't tell for sure exactly where every symptom belongs but:

Feeling like you're not really there, like you're dreaming, everything feels like it takes place in your imagination, not being able to connect to anything around you. = Derealization
Feeling like you're not in your body, or that your soul is in limbo = Depersonalization

I think the emotional numbing/loss of emotions is common with both dp and dr. Same goes for existential thinking, obsessive thinking, nothing matters, distorted perception of time and feeling like things didn't happen.

Common symptoms with both dp/dr:
Loss of sense of self (no soul, no identity, lack of personality, you don't know who you are etc.)
Feeling disconnected from your own voice (you don't feel like your voice belongs to you, it feels distant to you, like you're not the one talking)
Disconnected from your own reflection (you know it's you, but something feels 'off', or like looking at a stranger)
Emotionally numb (still able to laugh, maybe even cry, but there's no emotions behind it so doing those things feel fake to you, or they feel very numb. Not able to feel happiness, joy, love, anger. Lack of taste, touch, smell.)
Everything feels unreal (feeling like you're not really there, everything feels as if it's taking place in your imagination etc.)
Perception of time is distorted (Recent events feel like they happened a long time ago, events taking place in the past can feel like they happened recently. Not sure if this belongs under this category but, things feel like they never happened or like it was just a dream)
Existential thinking (often get obsessive about existential thoughts. You feel like there is a need to question these things in order to make you understand things cause your whole perception of life, death and everything between it has changed.)
Blurry vision (Things appear blurry, foggy or 'not clear', like you can't really see what's in front of you or can't sense your surroundings. Visual snow is common)
Complete loss of interest in everything (It's hard to feel any interest in things when you can't really connect to them physically and emotionally)
Feeling like your not inside your body (You don't feel like you're the one controlling your body, it seems foreign to you and that you're somewhere above it. Your body parts don't feel like they belong to you, might lead to self-harm)
Hyper awareness (You're too aware of yourself and the things you're doing, the way you talk, move, laugh etc.)

There's a lot more to it (some people get short term memory, blank mind and other cognitive problems), the list got so long that I started forgetting which ones I already wrote down.
But that pretty much included the essence of dp/dr.

Yes, you can get better. In your case it seems you need to deal with the loss of that person who passed away and lower your anxiety and OCD. Easier said than done, but anxiety is usually the cause of a lot of peoples dp/dr (including mine) to put it simply.

And yes, most of the users here have dp/dr constantly with no relief, and it is a living hell to suffer from full blown dp/dr, so you're definitely not alone.
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