Hello everyone, im new to these forums and thought id start here since its the most popular part.
I think this started after a loved one passed away? Ive had super bad anxiety and ocd in my life and have had this feeling before when having panic attacks but it went away. Lots of the time, i feel im not really here or that nothing is real, that i could be dreaming or that im dying or something. I keep thinking super deep existential thoughts that started with "why am i here?" "Whats the meaning of life?" i thought it was just an existential crisis but i have it all the time and its making me super depressed because nothing seems to have any meaning. I am also dwelling on death and afterlife and stuff like nothingness and eternity scare me. Because of all this, nothing seems to matter anymore. Espessially materialistic things. Before, i used to worry about things like drama and social issues used to bother me but now they dont matter anymore! I used to be really emotional about relationships and things and now those dont seem to matter! Im worried because alot of people i talked to say "Oh it gets easier to deal with" but i dont know if they had this an intense as i have and i just want to delete this from my memory! I dont have any sense of time either, like its like im only aware of RIGHT NOW, my memories dont feel real or dont feel like mine and the future seems like just a continuation of right now where nothing is different. I constantly question "Did that really happen? Am i really experiancing this right now? Am i in a dream right now?" sometimes it gets so bad, i think my life is just planned out, that i could be the only one accually in existence and that everythings just my imagination...i constantly do quizes online to see if i have dp or depression or anxiety. I get very confused all the time, espessially if i do normal stuff i used to do and then question if im really doing it right now. Sometimes nothing looks familiar and i cant feel anything or any connect to anything around me, as if im NOTHING or something, its super scary. Im super aware of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, feelings i SHOULD have. I very rarely feel im not in my body. There was also a time where a tried marijuanna and it was the worst ive ever felt unreal, like i looked at my body moving but it didnt feel like i was moving or in control of myself or even my thoughts. Ive noticed if i start feeling more "normal" i start feeling very depressed or anxious which makes it hard to think i have a hopeful future...sometimes happiness itself doesnt seem to matter. All day, i find it hard to look around. Looking at everything should help me feel more connected but i get the sense im not really there or nothings real but i try to ignore it but i get it ALL day long. Can this go away? I feel like ive reached a point where ive realized something that changes my mind forever and that nothing else will ever matter like it did again. Some family members think its just depression and anxiety. I thought "maybe this is just how the adult mind works" since im in my early twenties and that scares me so much, i feel like everythings been stripped away from me! This cant just be an existential crisis, it feels like my soul itself is in limbo or something. Can i get better?