[Kayyyynational7]

This is gonna be long I apologise in advance I'm just lost right now I got back with my ex whom I've been on and off with for 6 years more on than off I've lived with him for the entire relationship other than 2 months of it I started having the dream like feelings a few months ago after I have CPR to my mother in law during her heart attack she lived and afterwards I just lost it looked once she was okay I could finally snap moving forward I got better for about two months we found out a family member had cancer and he wasn't gonna be with us much longer we lost him in October I started feeling completely out of body the night he passed I was there with him and I came home to rest finally and it felt like my soul left my body things started looking different they were familiar but still strange like I was in a new place even though I wasn't me and my spouse had a rough time over the last 6 months alot of back and forth fights breaking up getting back together we recently got back together and things have been way better but he and everyone else feels like I stranger even down to my own family everything looks strange including myself sitting alone I get scared over the thought that I'm stuck with myself mentally and physically at all times I saw a therapist who has mentioned dpdr and told me it's a coping mechanism but what I don't understand is the fear I have the memories I have of him and others make me feel as if he and everyone else aren't the people I remember I'm just not understanding what's happening or is this normal and I also have these odd flashes of memories they'll all come in at once and ice caught my self thinking I'm back in that time and place even with good memories I know my reality I know where I'm at but when I look around the things I once knew so we'll seem so different and confusing and sadly scary I'm not sure what to do and I think I may be going crazy it's odd to me that I can know where I'm at and who I'm around and still question it at times I question is this real or is it just a dream or maybe what I remembered hasn't happened yet or just seems to be getting worse I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not losing my mind and more and more I keep having these weird feelings when I get certain memories and I'll get excited and feel like what's already happened is gonna happen again or like it just happened yesterday I'm very scared and at this point don't know what to do I thought I was getting better because I stopped questioning everything but now I'm getting scared of myself again almost more than when it first happened I just need answers

 

[Al_pk]

The whole out of body thing is very common, things looking unfamiliar, people becoming unfamiliar. Wondering about sanity is the first thing that people do when they're hit by DP. You wont lose your mind, you never really lose anything.

Dp plays a lot of tricks with memory. For instance, i still have memory, but it now appears as a flashing image, i don't have any emotion attached to it and there is no context of time or age attached to it.

You can still get excited, so that really is something. I haven't felt a drop of emotion in nearly 2 years

"I get scared that im stuck with myself physically and mentally" yeah, I've had this, it does go.

Try not to get too caught up with what's going on, it will improve. DP causes so much distortion and altered function it can seem impossible to unpick.

Try and relax, amd by relax i mean do things that will be relaxing for your body. Drink water, sleep. Also just let your man know that fighting isn't really good for you... you gotta avoid stress right now.

Also punctuation will help the reader get through such a long post.

 

[Kayyyynational7]

I apologise...I wrote this while waking up from a deep sleep and being in a panic.Ive seem to have gotten past the fear of dpdr I guess I hoped it would just leave once I stopped being scared of it.somedays now just seem worse and I ignore it but the physical feelings are driving me crazy.I have days where I won't even get out of bed I have this off fear that I'll pass out or that I'll just dissapear in the blink of an eye..I know questioning it and being obsessed with it isn't gonna help I've just had a hard time not obsessing.ive had moments where I'm okay and then my mind drifts and tells me it's not okay to move on from everything including the dpdr.I was a heavy drinker before all of this I've been sober for 6 months and that's about the time I would get the in and out feelings of dpdr but it always went away within a few moments.Now it just doesn't go away.I have been feeling my emotions more I can cry again and occasionally I can have a good laugh it's been very few laughs but i could actually feel the happiness for a moment.My emotions just started coming in again in the last few days,but I still feel the fear of existing and out of body.Are the emotions coming back a sign that I'm on my way to recovery??

 

[Al_pk]

The emotions coming back is an excellent sign of recovery, it means you're mind is coming out of fight or flight mode as when we are in it, the brain doesn't allow for higher functions like emotions.

What you are doing by not fearing the dpdr is absolutely correct. Don't worry about obsessing, you will often find you cannot control this part of your brain and as you recover, your attention will start to shift away from it.

Just try to remember that the feelings are just feelings, they cannot hurt you, and the out of body stuff really does get better as time goes on. When this all started when i wad lying in bed it felt like my spirit was leaving my body and floating toward the ceiling. That's all gone now, it will for you too

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Thank you.

That's how it felt the first time I layed down the night my brother n law passed and I literally felt like my soul left.I freaked out because all I could think was this is how he felt and in my mind I was dying.

The past couple weeks I haven't had a sense of who I am which I know is normal sadly I'm a hypochondriac and obsess in general over me losing my mind or dying so I'm sure that doesn't help.

I've started counceling and my second appointment me is soon so hopefully that also helps.im terrified of death and sadly I've been a witness to a few due to natural causes but it seems to be putting me into a weird place.

I appreciate the response it's been hard not having anyone around me understand.my family does reassure me that I'm fine and so does my councelor,but of course I think the worst and I know looking into it isn't good.Ive come across so may horror stories of people having it for years.Ive only had it full blown for a month and I got into counceling and such quickly so hopefully this doesn't last much longer.

The hardest part for me is that I won't step outside anymore and I've completely isolated myself to a bedroom.onky time I talk to people is if they come in my room.Ive been told not to isolate but I guess it's my safety zone being in my room at all times. Sadly the more my emotions come back it's seems that I wake up with a full panic attack where as before I was just numb and didn't care.

 

[Al_pk]

No one knows how it feels to die. but, like me you are probably also obsessed with death and link situations/catastrophise because of DP. I've noticed recently I've become nonchalant about death again. I guess i realised that it's not death that scares me so much it's the fear of having dp and missing out on so much before I die. Having not lived is the greatest tragedy.

A month of DP isn't so bad. It's good you are getting the help and support right now. It's fine to look into DP, researching correctly has saved me in the past. But the honest truth is life can suck donkey ass for years with DP. But the overrall reality of DP is there is no set course. No one can tell you when you'll recover. That's down to your recovery strategy, genetics, how capable of adapting your brain is, and luck

That's the thing about emotions - they're not always good. But far better to feel bad emotions and alive. Coping with that is a part of life and it's great.

You shouldn't isolate, you can give yourself agorophobia and social anxiety. I became agorophobic in 2018 and had to undertake an aggressive campaign of re exposure to correct myself. I'm fine with it now but best not to go down that route to begin with

 

[Kayyyynational7]

I'm trying not to stay isolated,some days are just harder than others especially when you constantly think your dying or the worst could happen and you will die.

I get terrified that my counselor will lock me in psychward.for years my mom threatened to lock me up if we got in an argument our most recent was the worst.

She didn't agree with me on where I was staying and who I was staying with and threatened all kinds of things long story short she got what she wanted and I moved home.i wasn't happy so I went back and she basically disowned me made me feel like I was crazy and just seemed to worsen how I feel.she told me I made everything up and I don't know how to deal with life.
That could be true though but it still hurt and that's when I spiraled into 24 7 dpdr.it sucks and it's hard not having people around, especially when you already feel so alone.I know that's alot of info just haven't been able to talk about it.Its been hard finding the trigger of it because so much has happened.

 

[Al_pk]

I'm not a great believer in needing to find triggers and stuff. It doesn't actually matter for your recovery whether you analyse triggers or not, it's just an unsolvable puzzle. what matters is how you play the game from now. In general, it is brought on by stress, so naturally you need to work at reducing stress.

If you are a sufferer of DP yes it does mean that your ability to handle life is less than that of a normie, but it just means you need to approach life with care and know your limits.

How old are you? Your mother sounds like a bit of a dragon. If she's not helping you need to put yourself first, if my family acted like that towards me I'd get them out of my life. Luckily for me they're uber supportive

 

[Kayyyynational7]

I'm 25 and yes things have been insane I had therapy this morning and I feel extremely relieved after talking with them. I finally have came out of the house so fingers crossed.

 

[Al_pk]

Nice I'm glad therapy gave you some peace of mind. Keep up the good work

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Thank you