[allison84]

So I'm back
I was doing ok getting on with life untill last Thursday i lost someone very special to me .
My whole world feels absoulty shattered and I'm not handling it well at all .
I have never felt grief ever before , so I'm feeling so alone , the first night it happened i cried hard and the next day i cried like I have never before like a baby.
On day three i woke up so low i felt i couldn't live without my love one and the pain i felt was to much i was thinking of ending my life .
Day 4 I felt slightly better but I just felt a strong feeling of intense missing my love one . That night i suddenly felt nothing as if everything was normal, that nothing had really happened .
Ever since i feel not much its like nothings happened , i look at photos of my love one and I don't really feel anything like blankness.
I also have severe derealization everything seems like a dream all the usual stuff .
I'm Feeling so guilty because I don't really feel anything , i should be so sad and upset but I don't.
I'm sure this is part of the dissociation but I'm still unsure .
I do miss my love one but I can't absob anything and I just feel completly nuts .
I'm reaching out to someone who has gone though something simalar to this .
I can't talk to my family or friends because they wouldn't understand , or think I'm crazy .
Thank you for reading .

 

[Phantasm]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I've lost people while dissociated, and even if you're expecting it it's still a shock. Although contradictory, I felt much more emotional and more numb at the same time. I think the important thing is to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. However you feel - or not - it's okay. Some days it might be painfully real that they're gone, and other days you might not feel much of anything.

 

[mkeshish]

I’m so sorry you are going through that. I have been through grieving in this state and actually it helped me not pay as much attention to my dissociative feelings because my emotions were taking over so much. I’m not saying grieving was a nice break from DPDR hell, but I did pay less attention to it :/

 

[allison84]

Hi thank you for replying to me mkeshish
I understand what you mean , I'm completely not caring about the symptoms of dissoction as im in another way worse hell , but I'm finding it hard having dissociation as its numbing my emotions to the point that I know how I feel but I just can't feel it .
I get breaks from the numbness during the day and I start to really miss my loved one and I feel really lost since they left but then I start to numb out again .
When I'm numb my memiores of my loved one feels blocked and as if they were part of my past from a very long time ago and this makes me very anxious cause i question and obesse that I don't really feel sad maybe I don't love them .
I wish I didn't have dissociation because I want to grieve like a normal person .

 

[allison84]

Phantasm
Thank you for reading my post my emotions are like a rollercoaster all day i change into different states .
I get numb and cant feel really anything at times and ehen this happens the memories of my loved one are very distant and it has no meaning to it , hope that makes sense.
I do suffer chronic dp so that's maybe why tgis is happening , i dont know I'm so messy atm i just feel lost without my loved one

 

[Phantasm]

A lot of people worry that they should be feeling one way or another, but it's not like that, there's no rules. You'll remember this person in your own way and in your own time. Don't put pressure on yourself or feel guilty in any way.

Someone you really cared about is always in your heart and a part of you. I still see my mum and my best friend in my dreams sometimes, who have both passed.

 

[forestx5]

I had problems grieving due to dissociation. I lost all positive emotions when I was 17. My temporal lobe became damaged then, and it is abnormal today. (48 years later).

The damage is recognizable on EEG. Memories are packets of information with emotional context. My life experiences, as well as my memories are degraded due to lack of proper emotional coloring.

My emotions did recover to a degree, but they have been permanently diminished.

 

[mkeshish]

hey allison, how have you been feeling? I think even without dp, it is normal to go through an emotional roller coaster with severe grief. Your body may be protecting itself by numbing, and then the feelings wash over. I hope you are doing ok, but I know that sounds trite in the wake of losing a loved one.