[fingertingle]

I hate myself around people. My mind scatters and words come out of my mouth that I'm sure would be an exact contradiction of any miracle of articulation. I'm really nothing. Personalityless and emotionless, I have no idea how I do this every day.

Waking life quote:
Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?

I'm so fucking depressed. I never want to go out again. It worsens everything.

 

[Scattered]

I know the feeling exactly. The only interaction I have is with people who I'm buying shit from. Otherwise I feel like I can't speak correctly and often simply don't because it seems pointless. I have sort of given up. I believe there was a window for me in childhood and early adolescence to form meaningful relationships and, if not that, at least the capacity to even have meaningful relationships. Now, not only do I not see the point but I'm absolutely terrified of people. I need my world to be so static that the idea of someone connecting with me, as much as I would like for it to happen, seems as if it would consume my identity.

I always post negative crap. However, I genuinely understand and hope that you don't give up but stick it out and tyr to find a way to eek out even the littlest bit of happiness.