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I'm about to turn 20 and I'm in the middle of an episode.

462 Views 7 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  xoxlivvypiexox
This is just a little rant. obligatory trigger warning, some of the stuff I talk about is a bit dark.

I don't even really know when this episode started. It took me ages to even realise things were getting worse again; maybe they never even got better. My memory of everything is so skewed and warped that I genuinely don't know. My friend basically had to convince me that I'm not feeling right and show me the evidence with my own words because I have such a problem with trying to dismiss the way I think and feel. It's frustrating. I don't know when this will end.

I'm supposed to be celebrating my birthday tomorrow and the day after. I'm going to the zoo with my closest friends, and I'm having dinner with my family. I should feel something, but I don't. I don't feel anything. Everything in my mind has just been shut down again; I feel like an empty shell. A ghost.

Time is moving differently, it's like everything is happening around me, but I'm not a part of it. I feel like an observer. Not in the sense that I'm having an out-of-body experience, but in the sense that I'm not present. I'm not really here. Everything around me, including the people in my life, feels so far away.

I've reported a couple of times in the last few weeks that everything feels like it's rotting or that it's got this weird film coating everything, too.
Everything just feels so weird and wrong and off. I feel empty and dead inside. I feel like an imposter in my surroundings.

My angry thoughts and thoughts of suicide, self-harm, and impulsive urges aren't my own. They're so loud and so angry and mean...

I just really don't know what to do anymore. I'm essentially no longer in therapy after an exercise didn't work. My GP has gone from seeing me every two weeks for my mental health to seeing me every month. My medication isn't really helping much. My parents know nothing, and my friends can't help me. I feel so fucking alone and trapped and helpless. I feel like nothing can help me anymore, and I'm just gonna suffer like this forever.

I don't know what to do. I'm about to spend my birthday feeling empty and suicidal, and there's a good chance I'll barely remember it because of the episode, too. I don't know, I just needed to get this somewhere. thank you for reading this far, I really appreciate it.
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You’re in your 20’s, more or less the same age as my first episode and your experience sounds similar to mine. Now I’m in my mid 40’s. I had a second episode some years ago which wasn’t exactly the same but I also fully recovered from it.

You’re still so young. You’re feeling at the bottom of a deep hole and it feels like you’ll never get out of it but you will. Celebrate your birthday. Go through the motions, smile at your friends. Try to get on with your life and do the type of things that you used to do and enjoy. I promise, very slowly you’ll get better. It won’t be obvious and one of the features of DP is that you’re always checking whether you feel better than the previous day (and usually you feel the same or worse) but after some weeks or months you’ll have to admit that you are feeling better. You’ll still fear having setbacks (and you’ll have them) but keep going!

The best part is that one day, after a couple of years, you’ll look back and your DP will be just one of many formative experiences that you will have lived in your early adulthood. I once checked a diary that I kept from those years and I was surprised that my recovery had taken so many months. I had nice memories of things that I had done during those years and it shocked me to realise that I was still preoccupied with DP at the time. My brain had shrunk my DP experience to a vague bleak memory while keeping all the rest . So that’s why I encourage to get on with your life and keep doing the things that you’d do without DP, even if they make you feel joyless and empty.

If you’ve lucky to have good friends and family, just tell them going through a rough patch and that you may need an occasional hug or cheer up. No need to explain to them the details (in my experience this doesn’t help, although maybe it will in yours).

I promise you’ll get better. And you’ll become a more resilient person. My second DP crisis helped me learn ways to better handle anxiety which was priceless during the pandemic.

So hang in there!
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