This is just a little rant. obligatory trigger warning, some of the stuff I talk about is a bit dark.
I don't even really know when this episode started. It took me ages to even realise things were getting worse again; maybe they never even got better. My memory of everything is so skewed and warped that I genuinely don't know. My friend basically had to convince me that I'm not feeling right and show me the evidence with my own words because I have such a problem with trying to dismiss the way I think and feel. It's frustrating. I don't know when this will end.
I'm supposed to be celebrating my birthday tomorrow and the day after. I'm going to the zoo with my closest friends, and I'm having dinner with my family. I should feel something, but I don't. I don't feel anything. Everything in my mind has just been shut down again; I feel like an empty shell. A ghost.
Time is moving differently, it's like everything is happening around me, but I'm not a part of it. I feel like an observer. Not in the sense that I'm having an out-of-body experience, but in the sense that I'm not present. I'm not really here. Everything around me, including the people in my life, feels so far away.
I've reported a couple of times in the last few weeks that everything feels like it's rotting or that it's got this weird film coating everything, too.
Everything just feels so weird and wrong and off. I feel empty and dead inside. I feel like an imposter in my surroundings.
My angry thoughts and thoughts of suicide, self-harm, and impulsive urges aren't my own. They're so loud and so angry and mean...
I just really don't know what to do anymore. I'm essentially no longer in therapy after an exercise didn't work. My GP has gone from seeing me every two weeks for my mental health to seeing me every month. My medication isn't really helping much. My parents know nothing, and my friends can't help me. I feel so fucking alone and trapped and helpless. I feel like nothing can help me anymore, and I'm just gonna suffer like this forever.
I don't know what to do. I'm about to spend my birthday feeling empty and suicidal, and there's a good chance I'll barely remember it because of the episode, too. I don't know, I just needed to get this somewhere. thank you for reading this far, I really appreciate it.