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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Its pretty amazing to me at least, i joned this site what about 9 months ago. Wow how times fly's and when i first joined here i was a very confused and panicked individual. This was even shown through my constant panic esque type posting, constant PM's to my homegirl Ms. Baker and even arguments with other posters. I figured though, that at least by now, things would be improving, maybe even just a little.

Sure you can say, well your living, you have a job, your going to college, but those were things that i planned on doing anyways and just because im doing them doesn't mean that im going to feel better. My life doesn't feel fufilling, i feel like im just a waste or that im wasting time. I started Community College this week and after a few days of it, to me it just feels like a bigger less time consuming version of High School. Many people around here call the CC that im going to the " 13th grade". The only class that ive found interesting so far, ironically is Psychology in the Workplace. Of course it always gets me to thinking deeply about my own problems & of course causes more anxiety. But overall, so far CC just doesn't seem that great to me. And to add onto this, one of my friends who was suppose to be going here with me, family has decided to abruptly just move away out of state. My other friend is also moving away for college & the other close friend i have, while staying in state is going to a college accross the state so i doubt i'll be seeing much of him.

Now as ive mentioned, about a month or so ago, i decided to see a new therapist in hopes that this person would be able to help me. He is a very intelligent individual. He has basically described most of my ANXIETY down to a T. He even said today, that he is pretty confident in the fact that i will be able to conquer my anxiety. Ive mentioned both Depersonalization and Derealization to him, and im not convinced that hes sold on the fact that i suffer from either one. He usually refers to the DP/DR as Derealment or a " strange aura" that i feel. At first he thought that when i told him i kind of felt spacey and detatched, that i was detatched from feelings, which after a few sessions, is not in fact the case, and i never really thought it was. He's asked me various times about the " derealment" what exactly i think it is. And its hard for me to describe and i usually just give him general terms like " feeling spaced out" or " feeling like im in a fog" or i will describe the visual distortions, and to me it seems like he is not quite sure how to tackle the " derealment" aspect of my problem. I think he does have a better grasp on it than the last therapist but still, i don't think he understands 110 % . Matter of fact today he told me him & about 10 other psychologists meet and each present a case to eachother to get insight & feedback and that hes going to present my case to the group. This kind of reinforces my notion that he isn't exactly sure on what the " derealment" is. Im hoping that he will be able to help me with this and that he will understand it fully.

I just sit here and feel so frustrated, because i don't know what im doing and i feel like im just going through the motions in terms of my life. I look in the mirror and i say to myself " na you can't have mental issues, your not supposed to" I mean and even my therapist said this, I don't look like im a mess. Im always well dressed, talkative with people, and i always appear normal to everyone yet i feel so strange. If you saw me in person you would probably say " man theres no way that kid has mental problems" and im not trying to stereotype either. Its just that i think that i seem to project this big street kid, tough guy type of image because i think that has always been my defense not to mention the fact its just how i kinda grew up. Mostly everyone around here is like that & mostly all of my friends are like that or people ive grown up with, so i just sorta adapted to it, all while ALWAYS feeling unique and different from everyone else. Its like i recognize myself, but don't.

I could probably type sooo much more, but ive probably already bored/depressed enough people already. My overall conclusion right now is that i don't understand MY LIFE and that i feel like i just want to give up, say fuck it, end it all & not have to live with this misery anymore.

Peace
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Its pretty amazing to me at least, i joned this site what about 9 months ago. Wow how times fly's and when i first joined here i was a very confused and panicked individual. This was even shown through my constant panic esque type posting, constant PM's to my homegirl Ms. Baker and even arguments with other posters. I figured though, that at least by now, things would be improving, maybe even just a little.

Sure you can say, well your living, you have a job, your going to college, but those were things that i planned on doing anyways and just because im doing them doesn't mean that im going to feel better. My life doesn't feel fufilling, i feel like im just a waste or that im wasting time. I started Community College this week and after a few days of it, to me it just feels like a bigger less time consuming version of High School. Many people around here call the CC that im going to the " 13th grade". The only class that ive found interesting so far, ironically is Psychology in the Workplace. Of course it always gets me to thinking deeply about my own problems & of course causes more anxiety. But overall, so far CC just doesn't seem that great to me. And to add onto this, one of my friends who was suppose to be going here with me, family has decided to abruptly just move away out of state. My other friend is also moving away for college & the other close friend i have, while staying in state is going to a college accross the state so i doubt i'll be seeing much of him.

Now as ive mentioned, about a month or so ago, i decided to see a new therapist in hopes that this person would be able to help me. He is a very intelligent individual. He has basically described most of my ANXIETY down to a T. He even said today, that he is pretty confident in the fact that i will be able to conquer my anxiety. Ive mentioned both Depersonalization and Derealization to him, and im not convinced that hes sold on the fact that i suffer from either one. He usually refers to the DP/DR as Derealment or a " strange aura" that i feel. At first he thought that when i told him i kind of felt spacey and detatched, that i was detatched from feelings, which after a few sessions, is not in fact the case, and i never really thought it was. He's asked me various times about the " derealment" what exactly i think it is. And its hard for me to describe and i usually just give him general terms like " feeling spaced out" or " feeling like im in a fog" or i will describe the visual distortions, and to me it seems like he is not quite sure how to tackle the " derealment" aspect of my problem. I think he does have a better grasp on it than the last therapist but still, i don't think he understands 110 % . Matter of fact today he told me him & about 10 other psychologists meet and each present a case to eachother to get insight & feedback and that hes going to present my case to the group. This kind of reinforces my notion that he isn't exactly sure on what the " derealment" is. Im hoping that he will be able to help me with this and that he will understand it fully.

I just sit here and feel so frustrated, because i don't know what im doing and i feel like im just going through the motions in terms of my life. I look in the mirror and i say to myself " na you can't have mental issues, your not supposed to" I mean and even my therapist said this, I don't look like im a mess. Im always well dressed, talkative with people, and i always appear normal to everyone yet i feel so strange. If you saw me in person you would probably say " man theres no way that kid has mental problems" and im not trying to stereotype either. Its just that i think that i seem to project this big street kid, tough guy type of image because i think that has always been my defense not to mention the fact its just how i kinda grew up. Mostly everyone around here is like that & mostly all of my friends are like that or people ive grown up with, so i just sorta adapted to it, all while ALWAYS feeling unique and different from everyone else. Its like i recognize myself, but don't.

I could probably type sooo much more, but ive probably already bored/depressed enough people already. My overall conclusion right now is that i don't understand MY LIFE and that i feel like i just want to give up, say fuck it, end it all & not have to live with this misery anymore.

Peace
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi,

We didn't talk to each other much but I just want to tell you you are not alone. We have all the same type of problem. And I want to tell you not to give up. Because if you do, it's SURE you will never heal, you understand? Many many people recover, you have to keep the faith.

Don't give up!!!

Cynthia :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi,

We didn't talk to each other much but I just want to tell you you are not alone. We have all the same type of problem. And I want to tell you not to give up. Because if you do, it's SURE you will never heal, you understand? Many many people recover, you have to keep the faith.

Don't give up!!!

Cynthia :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks Cynthia, i appreciate the response, but as far as recovies from this hell, im only aware of maybe like 10 at most. And on the old site there was THOUSANDS registered.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks Cynthia, i appreciate the response, but as far as recovies from this hell, im only aware of maybe like 10 at most. And on the old site there was THOUSANDS registered.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi Soulbro,

But remember this.... many people got this, but are not aware how to explain this..... and don't know this site too!!!

And people who recovered.... are not on illness sites, you understand? After you are well, you probably don't care anymore of those sites, you don't want to remember you were ill before....

So don't give up!! And believe on yourself! There must me something that helps you now? AD? Benzo? Something?

Don't give up!

Cyn xx
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hi Soulbro,

But remember this.... many people got this, but are not aware how to explain this..... and don't know this site too!!!

And people who recovered.... are not on illness sites, you understand? After you are well, you probably don't care anymore of those sites, you don't want to remember you were ill before....

So don't give up!! And believe on yourself! There must me something that helps you now? AD? Benzo? Something?

Don't give up!

Cyn xx
 

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130 Posts
Hi SB

Just one question - if you DIDN'T have dp/dr what would be the differences in your life?

rob
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Rob, thats a very good question, well i know that one thing is certain, I probably wouldn't have any visual disturbances, theres a good chance that i might be happier, and theres also a good chance i would have ended up going to the college that i was originally going to go to. I also don't think that i would feel as miserable, and socially id most likely be able to drink & smoke, or at least drink, and therefore my social life might be better. I wouldn't have to take meds ^ wory about their side effects & whether or not they work. I wouldn't have any existential thoughts.

I think i would overall just feel better and have more energy, especially mentally.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Rob, thats a very good question, well i know that one thing is certain, I probably wouldn't have any visual disturbances, theres a good chance that i might be happier, and theres also a good chance i would have ended up going to the college that i was originally going to go to. I also don't think that i would feel as miserable, and socially id most likely be able to drink & smoke, or at least drink, and therefore my social life might be better. I wouldn't have to take meds ^ wory about their side effects & whether or not they work. I wouldn't have any existential thoughts.

I think i would overall just feel better and have more energy, especially mentally.
 

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783 Posts
You know what SB? If I didn't have DP and these daily debilitating problems with my neck I probably would have some other problem that would depress me (although I'm sure it wouldn't be as severe)... that's how we are as humans... we always want more and we always have something to complain about... and to let you in on a little secret, I have pondered suicide MANY a times. All right, it wasn't a secret, but here's how I get past those periods: think about those you would leave behind, ie. your mother. How would they react? I know I could never do that to my mom. Also, if you do end your life, how will you ever know if it would have improved? Try to keep focused on your healing (as it seems you are) and adjust your lifestyle to better your symptoms...ie. perhaps anxiety makes your symptoms worse? well then try to lesson the anxiety in your life. For me this involved a temporary break from university. Also, I need to lie down often so I am currently not working either. So I have lessened both the stress and anxiety in my life and allowed myself plenty of time to lie down and rest my neck muscles. I really do think you need an antidepressant to help you out through all this shit. Please try one. Keep us updated and don't forget YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR FUTURE.

uni-girl
 

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783 Posts
You know what SB? If I didn't have DP and these daily debilitating problems with my neck I probably would have some other problem that would depress me (although I'm sure it wouldn't be as severe)... that's how we are as humans... we always want more and we always have something to complain about... and to let you in on a little secret, I have pondered suicide MANY a times. All right, it wasn't a secret, but here's how I get past those periods: think about those you would leave behind, ie. your mother. How would they react? I know I could never do that to my mom. Also, if you do end your life, how will you ever know if it would have improved? Try to keep focused on your healing (as it seems you are) and adjust your lifestyle to better your symptoms...ie. perhaps anxiety makes your symptoms worse? well then try to lesson the anxiety in your life. For me this involved a temporary break from university. Also, I need to lie down often so I am currently not working either. So I have lessened both the stress and anxiety in my life and allowed myself plenty of time to lie down and rest my neck muscles. I really do think you need an antidepressant to help you out through all this shit. Please try one. Keep us updated and don't forget YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR FUTURE.

uni-girl
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I was on a Anti Depressant before and it did nothing for me. But maybe i could try another.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I was on a Anti Depressant before and it did nothing for me. But maybe i could try another.
 
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