[DM]

well...

I have posted about my recovery.

I have posted that it was thnx to institutional psychotherapy for a year (1 YEAR!).

I was very grateful to the staff who helped me and who challanged me to do things which I feared. Bullshit. I know now that I did myself.

Yesterday, while picking up my meds dossier (as I am changing GP) I for the first time in my life I read opinions etc. from that time.

WOW! 'I was a somathizing person...' Bloody hell no. 'Somebody who is using DP as an instrument in order avoid serious stuff in life.' What the hell?! 'An adolescent looking very tired...' Yes, because DP is a constant struggle my dear. Etc. etc. Yes, I know. If the psychotherapy is like that it is a game. However, they have never believed me - and they have put their belief on paper, with a signature...I feel betrayed. DP = theater in their eyes.

I wish they would feel it for just....1 hour...

DP IS AN ILLNESS. WE WANT TO CURE. WE ARE NOT USING IT. IT IS A CRY FOR A GUIDANCE.

I am so pissed off - and now I know why I have recovered - I was so pissed off with them at that time that I concluded that EVERYTHING was better than the hell I was in. Even ecoming psychotic. And I started to face my fears. I started to drink alcohol, coffee. I started to do all the things they never agreed to, but I did..

I thought they have helped me - but, I did it MYSELF. Their constant ignorance of DP triggered anger within me. And thnx to that anger I CURED MYSELF. Therefore, kudos to me and the institution will have major problems while I am going to address this issue and their bullshit arguments with the insurence company.

Why I am making such a big issue of it is very simple. When I have physical complaints THEY (other institutions - other doctors) look at my dossier and they argue that it must be something psychological, hypochondric, some kind of cry-for-help. I now know why.

My opinion still has not changed - cure is imminent if you are challanged in self-actualization and facing fears in reaching that goal.

Academic psychological bullshit - I will fight it. DP is an illness. I have it experienced to the fullest. Lived with it for appr. 10 years.

Gonna fight the battle. Bastards.

 

[Scattered]

Actually I use DP all the time. It started out clearly as a defense mechanism. A mechanism that was triggered by an unsatisfactory life and a few traumatic drug experiences. When I'm in the clutches of DP I also swear that it is an "illness", something that is happening to me. I don't think DP happens to me, I think I create it for very specific reasons. I would rather face some horrific mental symptoms than come to terms with the fact that I am an extremely negative person who has missed out on alot in life and is now socially crippled. I often think, sometimes conciously and sometimes subconciously, that a psychotic state would relieve me from the horror of a life that I feel I don't fit into.

I still think this is serious. DP is theater for me completely, albeit a type of theater that mirrors reality to the point where the suffering I go through IS real regardless of the fact that I bring it on myself.

I'm not posting this to say that you're experience is the same as mine or that DP is not an "illness" for you. I'm posting this to say that even those who bring it on themselves deserve compassion. I don't know if you're doctors are right or not. I believe even if they are right they should still treat you as if you had a serious problem (which you do because DP, regardless of cause, is serious).

I also think you should not simply shrug off their opinions and try to "rebel" against them. Doing what you fear is great and I believe you are on the right track completely. Be proud of that but don't automatically say that you're doctors are wrong. Truly look within yourself, even if its painful, to make sure that you aren't using DP as a self defense mechanism. This is an important step, in my opinion.

 

[person3]

but if they hadn't pissed you off enough, you wouldn't have started making those changes...wasn't that part of it?

 

[Universal]

wait a minute, didn't you say you recovered with the help of institutional shrinks? then what are you battling? just thank god you're alright and you're out of the hell-hole. don't see a point in biting the hand that heals you? :roll:

 

[person3]

also, there is a reason that you went to that place in the first place. and you posts about it have been helpful to me and i'm sure others! really helpful. are you SURE?

 

[DM]

Well - to be quite honest; after the anger has settled I feel much more appreciative to the things I achieved myself.

I was feeling like shit those days. Bloody hell - I was scared, the anxiety sucked all of my energy away. I looked like a vampire running away from sunlight all the time ;-)

I thought there was a masterplan. There was not.

DP/DR = not known. So they neglected all the horrible feelings I had.

They simply pushed me 'into the real world' without taking into account that I really felt bad. They did not accept it as science did not recognize it. They envoked so much rage within me that time that I did not care anymore about anxiety. I was scared but I reached the bottom...Everybody was telling me that nothing was wrong - and although I felt horrible there was no other option than to go on.

I was put against the wall. And when that happened I had two options: try to convince that I was sick (which I felt, but nobody believed) or to live like I was perfectly healthy and do everything I was avoiding.

I chose the second option. I thought it was a part of the therapy (that's why I was so pissed off) but it was not. I found the way myself due to my persistence, eagerness to go on, to fulfill my dreams. And broke the circle of rationalization, acting, lying to myself, denying my true desires.

And...it worked. In a couple of months a miraculous recovery.

However - I lived so many years with the idea that I was helped, that I was so fortunate to live in Holland where I was magically cured, that once faced with the same ignorance in the letters about the fact that I felt really ill I was pissed off.

Anyway - I was true, I now know that I am so true. If you stop moaning, stop the self-pity, stop crying for help, and you take your life seriously and go and act, to colour your life with the colours you chose it goes away.

Actually...I did it myself! Thank God they denied my feelings of self-pity - sometimes you will have to learn to put aside the pain to go on. And while moving you will notice there is no pain.

I had to place it...And I now know that this is really self-imposed...And nobody will ever understand it. And it does not matter - if it is self-imposed it can lifted as easily - by the one and only...true you...

8)