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From the moment I was born up until this very moment, my entire existence feels attacked.
I feel offended and abused.
When I was a little girl I had no proper role model to attach onto, I had no one to create a safe haven for me.
Because of natural instinct we all have to attach onto someone, and for me, that someone was my mother.
My mothers unattended problems led to me having a very dysfunctional childhood.
She's a beautiful woman inside and out, but the impact her state did to me is really messed up.
All her pain, and problems that she was harboring inevitably transferred onto me.
I love my mum, I love her so much.
The older I get the more I realization hits me, and its really painful.
My mum was and is so damaged. Damaged to the point where she didn't even want an infant to see her as capable.
She was scared, she had no idea what she was doing.
When I would need comforting or soothing from my mum, she would become frightened.
It's really sad to think of what mental traumas she would have had to go through for her to be this way.

But this post isn't about just my mother.
Its mainly about my father.

So my dad is a big reason for my mothers traumas.
He was a big addict on I don't even know which one, but I have heard of him taking steroids, speed, and a lot of weed. I might be wrong but I might be right considering that as a child I have found his syringes.
While my mother was pregnant with me in her, my father used to physically and mentally abuse my mother.
He was and is a very frightening man.
These days he likes to portray himself as being a "changed man".
The reason I call bullshit on his act, is because he thinks that just because he no longer physically harms people that it no longer makes him abusive.
He throws around these idiotic notions that he is the best kind of man you'd find.
While at the same time he'll be putting you down or trying to gain some sort of power in your life.
So my main point is, my father is still abusive/damaged.
But why am I more lenient towards my mother about being broken?
Because my mum, even though she was mentally challenged, still looked after me.
I attached onto her.
Whereas my dad, was barely there and when he was he was scaring the shit out of me
Today he gaslights me, filling my head with false information like; "don't you remember all those good times" and etc..
I am now getting older, and will no longer stand for this corruption.
When he (my father) or anyone else for that matter, over steps their boundaries with me and my life, I will no longer hesitate to respect myself.
Whats funny is that, when dealing with a person like my father, you will look wrong by protecting yourself because it will "abuse his authority".
Hilarious right?
Abusers use different techniques to gain control or power.
And when you finally smarten up and see that you are a victim of their doings, it only gets harder.
But its for the best.
Don't be ignorant.
I won't be like them.
 
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