i've never tried to do anything about my dpd/dr, this is my first time going out of my way for something that has even a sliver of hope i think
its been 5 years but i think its something i've had all my life, since i remember not giving much of a response to much when i was younger
i was diagnosed officially in 9th grade but felt the symptoms for 2 years before that, those symptoms consisting of:
blanking out when ive been doing anything (blank out randomly while out of the house, studying, walking home, walking from the bus stop, to the bus stop, in the midst of conversation, with friends, watching or reading things[i have to re-watch or re-read it multiple times to actually understand what it is i'm reading, but i love reading so i deal with it], literally anything else) and going on autopilot(giving a reaction but not remembering hearing, seeing, or saying anything)
absolutely terrible memory (thinking ive done something(ie. assignments, something someone told me to do, something i wanted to do, showering, daily things)
heart palpitations (not sure if this is connected to it but i think it is)
not feeling anything at all, feeling very disconnected from my body(such as right now as i type it doesnt look like its my own hands)
not recognising myself(i force myself in an effort to look at myself in the mirror, and when i'm aware of how i dont recognise myself i freak out, but i mostly just feel the alienation from my body but i dont like looking at myself)
not recognising those around me(ive pushed a s/o away out of nowhere, ill physically uncomfortable when i remember i dont recognise anyone)
right before i (non intentional)disconnect emotionally ive noticed that i get blinded almost from blood pressure n hurt/anger and lash out somehow or way
i constantly lose my train of thought when speaking, to combat this ive gotten in the habit of writing down things i want to remember
i first self harmed in 9th grade but i stopped it since it didnt help my overwhelming emotion that would come all at once, since then the most i do is punching but i think it helps me especially since it reminds me my hands are attached to me becuase of the pain
i have a personality thats my "autopilot" but i'm not going to say i have two personalities, maybe just two modes
i'm probably forgetting other things
no matter who ive tried reaching out about this, the usual answer i get is that "it must be cool to feel high all the time" or that "its not that serious its just like a dream", or they forget it quite literally affects everything i do
i try my hardest not to let it affect my bodliy functions, my relationships, or anything serious like school or work, but i can only do so much when my relationships dont understand or are forgetful of its affects
its such a constant thing that i've gotten used to it and forget about it until i come back for a second(like reading about something that hits home or something that affects me directly) and then it freaks me out or i stay in the monotone state
its gotten to the point where i want to trigger it emotionally because i'm used to it and its easier and i dont think thats good
i dont have friends as i moved when i was younger, and ive been unfortunate to run into people that have ill intentions or dont have the capabilities to talk about such things and this bothers me sometimes, it freaks me out
i only went to a psychiatrist when i was in the 9th grade, but stopped since it was too far away from my home, i'm thinking about going to a psychologist/psychiatrist since i have moved, but before doing so i think it would be beneficial to try something like this
i'm not sure what i'm expecting from this
its been 5 years but i think its something i've had all my life, since i remember not giving much of a response to much when i was younger
i was diagnosed officially in 9th grade but felt the symptoms for 2 years before that, those symptoms consisting of:
blanking out when ive been doing anything (blank out randomly while out of the house, studying, walking home, walking from the bus stop, to the bus stop, in the midst of conversation, with friends, watching or reading things[i have to re-watch or re-read it multiple times to actually understand what it is i'm reading, but i love reading so i deal with it], literally anything else) and going on autopilot(giving a reaction but not remembering hearing, seeing, or saying anything)
absolutely terrible memory (thinking ive done something(ie. assignments, something someone told me to do, something i wanted to do, showering, daily things)
heart palpitations (not sure if this is connected to it but i think it is)
not feeling anything at all, feeling very disconnected from my body(such as right now as i type it doesnt look like its my own hands)
not recognising myself(i force myself in an effort to look at myself in the mirror, and when i'm aware of how i dont recognise myself i freak out, but i mostly just feel the alienation from my body but i dont like looking at myself)
not recognising those around me(ive pushed a s/o away out of nowhere, ill physically uncomfortable when i remember i dont recognise anyone)
right before i (non intentional)disconnect emotionally ive noticed that i get blinded almost from blood pressure n hurt/anger and lash out somehow or way
i constantly lose my train of thought when speaking, to combat this ive gotten in the habit of writing down things i want to remember
i first self harmed in 9th grade but i stopped it since it didnt help my overwhelming emotion that would come all at once, since then the most i do is punching but i think it helps me especially since it reminds me my hands are attached to me becuase of the pain
i have a personality thats my "autopilot" but i'm not going to say i have two personalities, maybe just two modes
i'm probably forgetting other things
no matter who ive tried reaching out about this, the usual answer i get is that "it must be cool to feel high all the time" or that "its not that serious its just like a dream", or they forget it quite literally affects everything i do
i try my hardest not to let it affect my bodliy functions, my relationships, or anything serious like school or work, but i can only do so much when my relationships dont understand or are forgetful of its affects
its such a constant thing that i've gotten used to it and forget about it until i come back for a second(like reading about something that hits home or something that affects me directly) and then it freaks me out or i stay in the monotone state
its gotten to the point where i want to trigger it emotionally because i'm used to it and its easier and i dont think thats good
i dont have friends as i moved when i was younger, and ive been unfortunate to run into people that have ill intentions or dont have the capabilities to talk about such things and this bothers me sometimes, it freaks me out
i only went to a psychiatrist when i was in the 9th grade, but stopped since it was too far away from my home, i'm thinking about going to a psychologist/psychiatrist since i have moved, but before doing so i think it would be beneficial to try something like this
i'm not sure what i'm expecting from this
