[HauntedReverie]

Alright, so... here we, here we gooo!

I was livin the good life, yo:
so in loooove.. workin, playin, laughin, lovin, livin.. The Works.. then i wake up one day, an BAM! ... I'd hadda nervous breakdown
Not that I knew what it was at the time, because I certainly did not.
Several months went by…
I could barely get out of bed, I could hardly come out of my bedroom..
shit, just taking our dog out front to go potty was HELL for me me, I mean, I would really have to work myself up to get out the front door, even at 4 AM when all lights were out, life as I knew it was deteriorating before my eyes
Worse came to worse an eventually I left my living situation which included my long-term boyfriend who I was So In Love with, an his two kids.
After several months sleeping on my mom's couch, an writing in my journal day in an day out, as well as going to my doctor every month, I stumbled across some things on Google regarding the symptoms I was having.
- - every single symptom I had was Derealisation as well as Depersonalization!!
From there on, Life is a strange memory…
I woke up bawling my eyes out, looking around me an being So Scared I cried an cried an cried an cried an cried an cried an cried
feeling like I had never felt before in my whole life, then after two or three months, gradually accepting that there was absolutely no way out of my deranged reality an I had moved past the suicidal stage, which definitely took a hold of me for quite a while… I just pushed forward, many days with HOPE. But Hope is hibernating.. an has not shown it's face in awhile.
I just dunno what to do, do not know who to turn to, which is devastatingly the case for all of us folks.
I wake up each day not wanting to look around, not wanting to see life bc it's becoming more an more out of reach, there's not much to hold onto, just a few familiar fragments throughout the day an for those, i try to be grateful.
I hava mom♥ i hava roof, i have food, i have clothes.. i try so hard to be happy for my blessings an at the same time though, DP/DR is stunting me.. i won't go out with friends, i can't even Imagine any man ever Wanting me again: I've got nothing to offer, I'm existing an that's the end of that. Life's got no meaning, although i TRY to each day to search for some idk, if ANYONE would care to talk with me or gimme some feedback, that would mean the world.
Thinking of all of u here living the Struggle alongside me????

 

[Jpl89]

Hey Hauntedreverie,

Ive been fighting depersonilzation for 13 years now. My worst point was 6 years ago when i ended up in a psych ward for attempted suicide. I hadnt slept for a week and couldnt eat either. I was completely convinced that my entire life had been a dream and that no one ever knew and loved truly existed. I was afraid that i was going to slip into an unconscious state and kill everyone, because they were just hollow shells, pretending to be real. That included my daughter who was 2 years old at the time.
I decided it was safer to off myself than risk losing control.
The reason im telling you this is to let you know that no matter how bad it gets, youre going to make it through this. Things WILL get better, but it takes years of slow progress. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter and im self-employed now. I still have symptoms like panic attacks and feelings of unreality now and then, but Ive learned to be brave and stay calm when they happen.
You have to ask yourself "how many times have i been through this? How many times has it killed me? How many times have my fears come true?"
One last thing, youve got to realize that the brain is powerful and mysterious. Stop trying to analyze everything thats happening to you, because even the worlds greatest psychologists dont know.
Oh and exercise every morning, get lots of sunlight, take fish oil with B vitamins, and go get your thyroid checked.
I hope this helps some.

 

[HauntedReverie]

Jpl89,
I truly appreciate your prompt response. It sounds like you have been dealing with Halle as well, I cannot even imagine wanting to kill everyone around me… Including your two-year-old daughter… That must have literally been hell on earth for you I am so soo glad you did not succeed in attempting suicide!! Our lives are just as precious as any other living soul on this earth, although many days it is hard to remember that.

You have DP but not DR?
Sadly, I have now struggled with drinking because, even though it does not help at all and actually makes things worse, I have gotten to a point where it is the only time I can forget, if just for a short while.
I understand this is extremely detrimental to my healing, if I am to heal, and that I need to get it under wraps, but saying that is easier than doing that.
I eat pretty damn healthy and take vitamins daily, including salmon oil, turmeric, vit B, iron, calcium, and others. I also try to get as much sleep as I can, lately I have been sleeping up to 12 hours which I am guessing is because of depression, but my sleep, although filled with Vivid, even sometimes lucid dreams, is not always very restful.
Exercise has been a difficult one or me, I know I need to do it but doing it doesn't always happen. I see my counselor once a week and after that I am usually good to go out with my mom for a few hours before coming home. When I do go out, I usually feel pretty good, I am thankful for that time out amongst the living, but The feeling sadly never stays, when I wake up at the next morning, I am in the same spot as I was when I woke up at the day before. Literally stuck. I seek comfort in my relationship with my animals, I am so connected to them after this has happened to me, for some reason their love is essential to me getting through each day. I understand that if I am ever to heal, it will be a very long, slow, tedious drawn out process. I hear stories of those who have healed or feel that their symptoms have lessened overtime, for me it has been since Aug 10th that I remember waking up with full fledged DPDR.. I had it to a degree before then because my journal entries consisted of questions like, do I exist? But it was on August 10 that I woke up and my symptoms were so strong I thought for certain I had gone completely mad. I could not explain how I felt to anyone, I had no words to explain the hell I was feeling and the dream I was perceiving myself to be stuck in. Those feelings have never gone away, and I consider myself lucky to have stumbled across this group for support or else I do not know what would've happened.. I will hold on, although each day is a brand new struggle just as difficult as the one before. I question if I will ever see the world as I want instead, if I will ever truly live again, I cannot drive at all anymore and work seems like an impossibility. When I saw a psychiatrist a month ago and asked her if she knew what the realization was, she looked at me oddly and said yes, but it is EXTREMELY rare.
She did not believe me. How do we get people to believe that what we are saying is the truth??
For me, I question how I am able to get better if those around me who are supposed to be helping do not even believe me?