Hello world,
I am looking to see if there is anyone out there who can relate to my experience. I feel alone, and maybe if there is anyone I can talk too, I may feel more connected....
I am not too sure where to begin.....
Two years ago, I had an anxiety panic attack from suffering a heart condition.....
Since then, I am not the same.
I AM very confused over what happened to me. I woke up one morning, after my attack, to questioning if I always had an inner voice in my head, and I think I did, but now, it won't shut up. I literally talk in my head all day long, and it makes me cry a lot, and depresses me.
It's like I woke up, to hearing my internal voice/ dialouge non stop.
Sometimes, my inner voice says horrible things, and tells me to do things, and I question of it is me?
I am afraid of my own self talk, for I feel it is not me anymore. I feel like, I am the listener, and not the one speaking....does that make since?
I say things in my head like, how do I get rid of this voice? Will this voice ever go away! I will never be Normal again? Or I can't do this any more. I question of it is d/p, anxiety,...etc.
I have a lot of what I have been told, intrusive thoughts.....commanding me to do things....
I literally cannot stop talking to myself in my head. It's like I am one hundered percent aware of what iam thinking...all the time....
I feel like this is talking away from the normalcy of my life.
I have very negitive thinking, or a negitive voice in my head. Though, the voice is not another person, and sounds like me.....
I sometimes feel I am stuck in my body, like I am looking out of myself.....and I suffer a great deal of anxiety.
My depressing thoughts arise a lot also....I am not trying to trigger anyone, so please, please, don't think that I am, I am just trying to understand.....
Since I consider my inner voice almost like another person talking, though it is me, I feel I have no control over what I am saying to myself? I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts all the time, and I distract to the point of exhaustion....working three jobs, always around friends, and the worse part? I have children...and my inner voice tells me I don't love them, I am ugly, fat, which I am not, and end my life.
I was not always like this. I was a normal , human being.
All my voice thoughts as inside my head, I do not hear anything on the outside, if you know what I mean.
All internal non stop dialouge.
I have been in the hospital many times, asking for help, and they send me home, saying I am fine.
They ask me, do you hear voices? I say, I hear my own....all day, and to them, that must not mean anything, but to me, it is slowly chipping away at who I am.....I cannot watch tv, or take a baths without this chatter in my brain.....
No matter what iam doing, I am listening to this talking.....
I have a shrink now, and he is against all medication. He tells me drugs will make me a zombie, and fat,....and I feel this is not good counciling, as I may need help for this......but when I do think of medication, my inner voice asks, why are you trying to hurt me? You can't get rid of me?
I am afraid. What is going on?
I was happy at one point......I think? I don't know.....maybe I was always like this? But I don't think so.....
Anyone, please connect with me......am I alone?
Thank you.
