I'm looking at plastic hands through eyes I don't own. They aren't anybody else's but they're not mine. What is mine? What is "myself"? What am I? What is "I"? What is "am"? What does it mean to "be"? How do you "be"? The only way I know how to describe the way I feel is through the most cliché philosophical questions. It's so much more than that. I'm not just asking for my own existential curiosity, I genuinely do not know. I don't know how to "be." I don't know who I am. My body makes movements, my mouth says words, my mind thinks thoughts, but I do nothing. It is the quintessential example of disconnection. The various part of "me" should be working together within a harmonious symbiotic relationship in order to establish a sense of self, but they can't seem to reach each other. It's like fuzzy phone lines, bad radio connections, blurred vision. I need to connect the wires, adjust the antennae, renew my prescription for my perception of life. Was I ever normal or am I just now noticing that I'm not? How do you know if anything changes if you've never acknowledged the past? My memories are hazy because my life has been hazy.
This post hits much too close to home. You have perfectly and eloquently worded depersonalization in a way I have never read before. It helps me understand my own feelings a bit better. Please hang in there, depersonalization does not get much worse than this. You will not get crazier, this is just your brain coping with something in a counterproductive way. Hope you have better days soon : )
nice, post hang in there one day your whole DP expeirence is gonna be gone when you wake up, an itll all seem like a dream, youll feel fresh, like youve been reborn
So I have this friend who I met who happens to also have severe depersonalization, so we're best friends now, and he calls that thing that otherness that controls all the parts "The Puppeteer". Thinking about it, that really makes sense.
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