[elizadayk]

There is no opening sound to the door
Pushed so slightly in
A small peak at a world unfurled
Writhing in human activity
Although sitting solemn and watching
A heart beats to join
Chaotic thought patterns cease
When subdued by attention
There is no stop and eject
Just pause and play
Sliding back into the shadows so suddenly
There is a gasp at the descent
Audible onto to the quickened heart
Hiding in the shadow
Behind the protective door
The mind silences the heart with regret
Eating itself to survive
Erasing memories to heal
Stopping all progress
Pushing away all emotion
The heart sits deep in anguish
Questions unintelligible through the haze
Of lack of recognition
Lack of self
Lack of reality

This was brought on by thoughts of my own psyche. How I function, what it feels like. The door I hide behind is made of fear, and somehow I feel protected behind it. I can look out from my fear sometimes and see a world festering with humanity and daily rituals and routines. I force myself out of my head and try to join in, and the attention I get from others will cease the torment of my thoughts for a while, but it will kick back up again if I lose that attention. When I realize who I am and what I am, all at once I slip back behind the door of fear so quickly I stun myself, dizzy with confusion and angry at myself for not being able to continue in the world of normalcy. I am immediately consumed by self hatred and regret, my mind twisting emotions painfully. I focus so hard on past events, that I start to forget others. Names and places and words are lost forever, eaten by new thought patterns. I cannot grow mentally, I am stuck in endless memory repetition. I can't feel sympathy, and strive even for empathy. I can't comprehend these things anymore. So many questions fill my mind, but the meaning is lost, my own fear keeps me from understanding and answering them. Self recognition of reality is a blur of day to day, slipping by without me even noticing.

dp_kid
May 05 2011 04:05 AM

nice writing. i feel i can relate to parts of it. i think its good to get thoughts out through some kind of art.