[Martinelv]

So there I was this morning at 5:30am, lying in bed contemplating the 16 hour day ahead of me, twitching and jerking from Cipramil withdrawal head zaps, it's chucking it down with rain, I've got tons of work to do, my parents have got the arse that I'm not skipping around the house with joy all the time, I have flutters of panic in my guts, scratching the latest leuakemia related blisters on my back, wondering what the hell was the point in getting up. Oooh, I was very, very close. Again.

But I refuse to give in. It ain't going to happen. Either I get my life back on track or I chuck myself in front of a train. It doesn't require super-human effort to get up, get out, it just takes you a while to learn the lesson that you have a choice, and one of them isn't very palatable.

 

[M A R S]

I feel for you, i also feel just like this. I don't have Leukemia but i have been suffering with a ruptured disk in my spine. Today was hell. I could not move at all....

I don't know whats next.. :?

 

[widescreened]

I feel for you too.The worst part of the day for me sometimes is first thing in the morning when the entire day is stretched out in front of me,but after half an hour,its less daunting.By afternoon its quite normal,providing I stick to a busy programme and stay away from the short term answer of alcohol abuse.Do you keep a diary?Its interesting to read back over as well as write entries.Also entertained thoughts of suicide,really strong urges sometimes,but having attended 2 suicide funerals in the last 12 months and seeing the relatives compleately broken,its no longer an option.Dont look beyond the day if you are feeling very low.Thinking long term when you are down only encourages existential issues.This evening,why dont you phone a friend and go out to watch Man U get beaten in the champions league!!The IRA decommissioned their weapons yesterday.In light of this,absolutely ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.The company of friends,tv,a drink or 2,and a good laugh.thats my plan for this evening!

 

[g-funk]

Hi Martin

You are so right about choice - I tell that to myself everyday. Granted, I don't have leukeamia but it still applies. We only have one choice and that is to keep on going and trying as hard as possible. Part of our problem is hating being knocked down and resenting having to get up and fight to be normal. We want it to be easy - it is for others, why not for us? But, what is the other option? I have had a recent setback after a year of minimal/no dp, and I'm raging right now. But your post reminded me of what I have to do. Thank you.
And I hope you feel better soon xxxx :wink:

 

[Martinelv]

Cheers guys. I didn't mean my post to come across as a cry for help, or a post boasting about my willpower (which, incidently, is non-existent), rather it was meant to show - as GFUNK says, that in certain situations (in my case, getting my life back on track despite having Leaukemia and drug withdrawal) you just have to say...'Bollocks to you' when you hear the voice in the back of your head saying; 'Stay in bed.....stay in bed...stop fighting...'....

At the moment, Leaukemia (which is in semi-remission) is the least of my problems. Who'd have thought you'd ever hear anyone say that. :shock:

Incidently Widescreened - I am a Man U fan !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on you reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddddds.

 

[maria]

.'Bollocks to you' when you hear the voice in the back of your head saying; 'Stay in bed.....stay in bed...stop fighting...'....

I guess I've stopped fighting then (fighting what exactly?). I quit school (two of them actually) and now I'm not doing much anything. I did it because studying or working doesn't interest me at all. When it comes to relationships, I'm not able to make them as I don't connect with anyone and no one wants to befriend me. My home town and most of the people in it seem ugly and horrible so I rather stay indoors, where I don't lose myself everywhere. I know there are people who don't view life as awful as I do and I'd like to be one of them but I can't. I could ask what's the point in anything but the answer would probably be "do you rather choose to not have a life then" and I guess that's what I'll do (even though "life" as in going places and meeting people doesn't mean anything to me so it's easy not to be part of it). Lied there actually. I'd love to meet people whom with I could connect but there seems to be no one. I'm not the best friend material right now (far from happy, cheerful and energetic) but that's something I can't help.

 

[Martinelv]

Maria - I'll list what I've lost since I had DR/DP.

A beautiful wife.
My house.
All my friends.
Financial security.
Jobs. (7 of them, since that first episode)

I don't want to make this a competition into who has suffered or lost the most because of DR/DP, but I hope that list demonstrates that once, a long time ago, I had a fantastic life, and I've lost it all. Everything. I now
have nothing, except my own sanity (!) and the love of my parents. Nothing. But that's not the point. The point is whether you keep on 'fighting' (which in respect to your post literally means - living) or just lay down and wallow in misery. What do you want to do? Are you happy with the way things are? Of course you aren't. So what you going to do about it ?

I dunno, maybe I'm just selfish. I want what I had before, more than anything I want peace of mind, so perhaps that is what gets me out of bed in the morning. I'm not content with limping along in life. It's not enough. It's never enough.

 

[jc]

i find that the worse thing you can do (unless there is a really stimulating tv programme on)is to lay in bed looking at the ceiling

 

[maria]

Maria - I'll list what I've lost since I had DR/DP.

A beautiful wife.
My house.
All my friends.
Financial security.
Jobs. (7 of them, since that first episode)

.

No competition, but you are the bigger loser- I've basically lost nothing as I never had much anything. I don't miss anything from my "old" life, though it hurts to see how it can be for some people and how it could (have) been for me. I've just lost hope that I could ever enjoy life so I've basically tried to eliminate all the things that make me feel worse- going to school, meeting new people- as the school gives me too much stress (and rewards it with nothing) and I'm always the social outcast. This way life is somewhat bearable- I'm not happy but it doesn't hurt so much. I just don't know what the next step is.

 

[Scattered]

Its too bad I can't meet people like you in reality. I have a feeling we'd get along well. I hope that doesn't sound creepy, just that I have a very hard time finding anyone that has even the smallest thing in common with me. I can't deal with the mindless partying frat boys and emptyheaded women. I rather not meet anyone and isolate myself until this becomes normal or I'm just gone and have to be hospitalized.

 

[Martinelv]

No competition, but you are the bigger loser

I'm not so sure about that. If, as you say, you've never experienced life, then who's the bigger loser ? Don't you want what I had? Or even just peace of mind?

Look, you've got to understand what you're doing to yourself. Please. By accepting (which is what you're doing) that your life is going to be nothing more than caged misery you are then limiting your expectations, and, most importantly, letting your illness win. You are majory depressed, that much is obvious, but you musn't let yourself think that this is all that life has to give. There is so much more.

Hope is something you can't lose, it's impossible. As long as you are breathing there is always hope.

 

[Martinelv]

I'm going to kill one of you in a minute. :x

With my magic wand I've personified DR/DP/Depression and all the other stinking, putrid, ranic psychological disorders into....an Apple. Here is Mr Apple, looking upon the raptures of 'ordinary' people and sneering at them. Lo - watch as we see him curl his lip as he feels sorry for them and their silly joys in their tedious adventures. Adventures which, incidently, Mr Apple convieniently ignores, are the stable food of the 'ordinary man'. Ordinary man looks happy. Mr Apple is annoyed. Well, he would be annoyed if he could get annoyed. But they, and emotions, are too much effort. His duvet of misery suffocates him. Mr Apple is quietly content with completly isolating him/herself and perhaps indulging his depression and wanton personality issues when it see's fit. Mr Apple withers away. Nothing other than a small pile of dirty brown apple mush crawling with maggots to mark his passing, while the world teeming with ordinary people goes on.

 

[Scattered]

Exactly. If the staple food of ordinary man (referring to people of my age 18 - 25) is getting high, getting drunk, having meaningless sex, and then bragging about such empty acitivities day in and day out, then fuck man and fuck the empty pleasures he affords himself. This isn't life this is disease. This is a level of spiritual, intellectual, moral, and physical disease. This is a way of life that raises itself up as a model way of living, as normalcy, yet offers nothing in return. Lets fuck the pain away, drink it away, snort it away, talk it away, or simply pretend it doesn't exist. Life isn't meaningless, this is what its supposed to be, we're just having a good time, whats your problem?

If you accept this as "ordinary" then fair enough. If this is the sort of behavior and attitude we should resign ourselves to, then the teeming masses of humanity are worse off than I would ever dream. I'll sit here and rot.

/soapbox

Bring out the flamethrowers.

 

[Martinelv]

Scattered - I agree with you. I too believe that human 'intelligence', or rather, self-awareness with consequences, is a fault of nature. I too believe that our species is a terrible cancer on the planet, and that our lives are pointless, sordid, and meaningless.

But, franky, what you gonna do ? Either swim with the tide and make your own purpose in life, occassionally squeezing some enjoyment out of it (enjoyment, pleasure, peace - by whatever your standards are), or perhaps indulge in religion and fool yourself into believing that everything is going to be alright after we die (that sounds more bizarre every time I think about it), or drown yourself in misery because of the pointlessness of it all.

My natural inclination is towards to latter. But it's a luxury, unfortutunately, a luxury that can only be enjoyed by professional depressives and students of philosophy whos father's have Gold Credit Cards. But, to be honest, I'm too fat, tired and selfish. Too tired to revel in misery. Too selfish to want to give up the pleasures in life. It's a choice mate. And I don't it's too bothersome to want to choose to live. Just a little maybe. Give it a try. It might not disappoint you. Life is the apple swarming with maggots. But if you close your eyes and take a bite, you won't notice the maggots.

Amen.

 

[Scattered]

Hallelujah.

 

[maria]

Too selfish to want to give up the pleasures in life. It's a choice mate. And I don't it's too bothersome to want to choose to live. Just a little maybe. Give it a try. It might not disappoint you. Life is the apple swarming with maggots. But if you close your eyes and take a bite, you won't notice the maggots.

There are other fruits too you know :wink:. My problem isn't that I on an intellectual level have found out that life's meaningless- of course it is, or at least I won't find a definite answer in my lifetime. I just selflishly would like to have pleasure in life. Or at least sometimes not feel the way I do .

 

[person3]

Martin from what you've posted previously you didn't seem to like your wife THAT much anyway :?

 

[Milan]

I was thinking the same thing P3.

 

[Martinelv]

I did at the time, really I did ! I adored her! It's when she chucked me out on the streets with no money, nowhere to go, that I got a bit miffed.