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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
August 16 2018

Hey, I thought I'd start writing down my thoughts to help deal with everything I've been going through lately.

Last week I stopped feeling like myself. My anxiety is at it's peak. Things felt as if my whole world was falling apart in front of me. I felt like I wasn't living my life anymore. I started looking up symptoms to help find out what I was feeling and why I was feeling that way.

What came up was depersonalization. I looked through at least 20 websites and read through every paragraph and realized this is exactly what I was feeling. Disconnected from the world like I'm trapped in my mind. I've been feeling this way everyday. Some days worse than others.

Yesterday was the worst I've felt it. I started to think to think, 'is life even worth living if I feel this way constantly?' I honestly started to think to myself that maybe if I just ended my life I would be at peace, which then made my anxiety worse. I never thought I would be comfortable with letting myself think that. I just felt that if I can't feel like myself anymore there is no point. These past couple days along with yesterday I just felt like laying down on my couch all day and sleep. Sleep feels like my only escape anymore, I don't think of anything. When I'm asleep, I'm at peace.

Yesterday I went to the mall and the whole time I felt horrible. I just kept thinking to myself how much I just wanted to go home and curl up in my blankets on the couch, which I did. I barely ate anything, the thought of food made me feel sick to my stomach. Yesterday night I started to do more research and found something I really needed. I found hope.

I read this article of a DP survivor who put me in the right headspace. They said the way they got over was to not give a fuck about it. Accept what you are feeling, don't let it scare you. Giving it the power to believe that it controls you will only give it the fuel it needs to survive. They said to get out and live your life, as scary as it is, and never stop doing what you love.

Today I got up with that mindset and felt as if I were in control of my DP. I still felt disconnected with the world, but I kept reminding myself that DP doesn't control me, I do. I forced myself to get up and do what I loved. I went to volleyball practice and even though I still felt the effects of DP, I practiced. I feel in a much better headspace than I was in yesterday.

I'm going on a run today, too, to relieve stress and prove to myself that I will conquer this. I will write another update whenever I can next
 
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