Hey! I can relate to everything you said. I have been completely without emotion since late December 2018, except when I had a brief period in February where I could feel again. As to what caused me to feel again at the time, I don't know, I just started feeling again without doing anything until my brain realized that it was safer to be numb becasue I can't cope with my life circumstances so I just numbed out again and it's staying that way now. It's been almost 6 months for me living 100% numb from emotion. Life is surely awful without emotion. There is no meaning or purpose anymore and you're scared you're not going to feel again, if you're dealing with that same worry of hopelessness, you're not alone.
Can you still feel anxiety at all? Are you anxious or stressed at all, ever? Becasue I've reached a point where I'm not just numb, my flight or fight response is nonexistent anymore. I feel no sense of stress anymore no matter what happens. I don't know what that says about the state of my nervous system, but it's pretty serious.
"I finally don't care about anything DPDR can throw at me... except the emotional numbing. I could have the worst existential thoughts, panic, vision problems, memory problems anything... I wouldn't care if I just had my emotions which I can then distract myself with by doing fun things or walking in nature, listening to music... But now I cannot."-I really really relate to this. I'm almost 17 now, but I've had dpdr since I was 12, but I wasn't completely without emotion, I just had the disconnect from the world and my body. I then became partially numb, but not 100% numb to emotion and even anxiety like I am now. I don't mind the world around me looking unreal and I don't mind feeling out of body. I just don't like the emotional numbing :/ So I understand you perfectly. I can't enjoy nature or music either, which sucks big time becasue nature and music have always been my life. I was a music junkie, always discovering new music and losing myself in it to distract from the world. But now that's not possible becasue I'm numb. I can't feel even the slightest bit of enjoyment in anything. I can't live this way forever. This is no life. This is surely worse than cancer, having the form of dpdr where emotions are fully gone.
Have you sought out the help of a counselor or psychologist? I was able to find a psychologist who's at least aware and knowledgeable about dpdr, they're out there, they're just hard to find. It's not helping me so far, but it still helps to confide in someone who at least has heard about dpdr. There are plenty of options out there, don't give up just yet and know that you're not alone. I don't know what the solution is to this numbness, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in having this in addition to the other symptoms of dpdr. Not everyone can relate to each other.
Also I understand how you feel about medications. I don't like them either becasue in the past they numbed my emotions, the opposite to what I need. But meds have different effects on everyone, it all depends.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, I am too
I'm here if you'd like to talk, just message me.
