Depersonalization Support Forum banner

I think i might be actually losing it HELP!

1328 Views 5 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  Mowkus
First, some background. Im 21 and my dp/dr started when i was prescribed my first ever dose of antidepressants 3 years ago. It was prescribed by my old family doctor, not a psychiatrist and she gave me a starting dose of 100mg of zoloft instead of like 10mg which i learned later was very dangerous and malpractice! I slowly started getting worse even after i stopped taking it. I felt like a zombie all the time. I experienced my first real panic attack and had no idea what happened but it was the start of everything. I was admitted to 72 hour watch after threatening to kill myself (i didnt actually want to, i just did it to get myself immediate help and therapy and i know it was selfish to my family to go through that) later after i got out and felt normal again (no dp/pr) and on antianxiety meds, my family was visiting and were having a great time and then we all did some edible marijuana. I took way to much for my first time. I blacked out, awoke to feeling incredibly cold and tingly. I had an out of body experience and i couldnt recognize anyones voices and was convinced i died and my sister and brother were angels leading me to heaven until i was laying in my bed with my sister till i fell asleep. Fast forward two years. I still have problems from that experience. Alot of anxiety and sensations i didnt and still dont understand. A year later (6 months ago now) my dad had heart failure and his organs shut down and we watched him die over a course of about a month in the hospital and finally a hospice when he was too far gone to be saved. At some point while he was in the hospital, i decided to try marijuana again. A stupid, stupid decision since it amplified all of my issues 1000 fold. I thought it might help me with stress since thats what people say it does and i figured the first experience was just cause i took way to much. I experienced true derealization and depersonalization at its fullest extent along with a bunch of other sensations since i was high. It lasted 5 hours and i only took two gummys (20mg) of thc and cbt. After that was when things started progressing worse. At first his death didnt affect me that bad. I felt sad but i also felt numb. As a couple months went by i slowly started have worse and worse anxiety about death and existence. I started reading philosophical articles and shit and that escalated it further. I dont even know if im grieving him anymore, im so stuck in my own head and i feel selfish for it sometimes. This past month has been the worst ive ever been in my life and im not even on medications or taking drugs or drinking or anything of the sort. I avoid marijuana like the plague of course and will never touch anyother drugs for as long as i live. Right now at this moment my dp/dr has gotten to the point where i dont understand anything anymore. Like, i know what an object is and what its use it. But i dont know why its here. I dont know why the universe is here. I dont understand life or its purpose (nobody does tho) i get so lost in my head that i sometimes, usually on a daily basis, i start thinking im the only entity there is and im one with the universe or that everything is only my imagination. But then i try to snap out of it by distracting myself. Im worried ill be stuck thinking that forever or untill i die. Im scared my soul or essence has been through something unrecoverable. I feel like i cant think like i used to cause i brought myself here by thinking and thinking is all i can do and thinking makes it worse. Im trapped in my head. Everyday feels harder cause im not getting better and its more and more pressure every day. I dont know how to "come back" when nothing makes sense anymore. I cant stop thinking about this no matter what i do. I tried looking up ways to recover from dr/dp and one is to accept it but i dont think its helping. I just wish itd never happened and i feel like ill always remember this and have it with me forever. I can hardly stand going out of the house because for some reason, bright sunlight and seeing so much around me, espessially riding in a car, makes everything feel worse. I want to hang with my friends and family and enjoy life. Please if anyones got advice for these thoughts feelings and sensations, please help me, i dont know how long i have till i lose my mind or my soul or i think myself to death.
See less See more
1 - 1 of 6 Posts
Im not entirly sure but i think its just cause i understand my condition and situation a bit better now. Also, being on the forums helps cause i can see if people relate to certain feelings and sensations. I also understand my triggers too. But my main trigger is thinking or hearing about death and because i think about it all the time, i think it makes my dissociation and existential thinking stick around too. Im just trying so hard to enjoy life again but im not sure if this will ever leave and im super afraid of dying.
I use to feel like this all the time and I even watched Sausage Party with my ex and had a panic attack about death because a few sausages were afraid of it. Sounds ridiculous now to me haha but honestly it only takes time trust me. Ever need someone to talk to just message a friendly member
1 - 1 of 6 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.