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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone, I've been suffering from Depersonalization Disorder since Nov 25th 2016(yep thanksgiving).

Some backstory before I begin. I'm 20 years old, and I've suffered with some sort anxiety for almost my whole life. I've always have been afraid of what people think of me even know I'm told I'm quite attractive. I suffer from social anxiety disorder in certain situations because of my bad eyesight, and now I'm suffering with GAD, Panic disorder, and DPD.

The weeks leading up to me eventually getting DPD, I was constantly questioning my existence, wondering why things were like they were, wondering why I thought this way and such, but none of those thoughts really bothered me until the night of Nov 25th 2016. That night I was hanging out with my cousin and he offered me to take a hit of his pipe. I've smoked countless times before, but after hitting the pipe around 3 times I started to feel a bit odd. 10 minutes went on, and I felt a bit uncomfortable, but I just blamed it on being tired. My cousin started to smoke a cigarette and the smoke kept floating around in my face and was making it hard to breathe for me, and my nose felt like I couldn't breathe from it anymore at all. I sat there feeling the breathe come from my nose by putting my hand up to my nose, but I could not actually feel it from inside my nose. It was as if I had lost the feeling in my face. This feeling frightened me greatly and put me in sort of a panic. I tried to play it off and act normal but I started getting all these scary thoughts like "what if i am dying?" "what if im having an allergic reaction to this weed and its stopping my breathing?" and the panic began to rise even further. More and more crazy thoughts started to run through my mind "youre dying and you havent done anything in life yet" "you could die at any moment and life wouldn't have mattered". At this point my heart was beating very quickly, and the panic was becoming worse and worse. I started to have more thoughts about my existence and everything started to feel like a dream, and that is when my panic went at it's peak. I literally thought I was dying and I started to see red and blue spots and I couldn't feel my body other than my heart beating, so I immediately ran out of my cousins room and called 911. The ambulance showed up, I told them the story, and they just said "youre fine kid, go to sleep" and left all while I'm still in a huge panic feeling like I'm dying. I couldn't believe it at all, here I thought my whole world was crashing down and they just told me to go to sleep. I finally get to sleep after hours of racing thoughts and wake up the next day in what felt like like a huge dream. Everything feels off, time seems like its going by very slowly, and all I can do is sit and stare. This lasted for a few days until eventually I forget about it, and then it went away.

For a week or two I was fine, until I had to explain what happened to a few friends, and that "off" feeling kept coming back every time I thought of what happened. That feeling would come and go, but it'd never bother me because I'd forget about it. Another week went by and I started to get very bad health anxiety, thinking every little thing was wrong with me, so I was constantly anxious, and I could feel that "off" feeling creep up on me often. I started to get a very painful head pressure along with a stopped up nose along with a painful neck ache. Everyday I woke up in pain and it wouldn't go away, but it all got worse. One night I had a dream that I had got shot in the head, and I woke up in a panic, and that's when I had DPD full force. Everything felt like a dream again, along with these pains I had acquired shortly before. For the next 3 months I had DPD 24/7, and I went to many different doctors thinking I had a brain tumour, MS, ALS..etc. I got CAT scans, mris done, and many other tests done, but everything came out normal. I was so scared that something was wrong because I had intense brain fog, head pressure, and a neck ache that left me bed ridden. Eventually after being told numerous times I was fine, I made myself get up out of bed and start doing this even know nothing felt real and I had the worse pains in my head and neck. I started to get better, and I could actually do things again, but it was still horrible. I would wake up in the mornings not knowing who I was or where i am for about 5 mins, and with a total body ache, but I still got up and lived life. Then eventually my DPD got to a point where I would forget I even had it and I could be normal for a span of about 30 mins before I thought about it and it came back.

Now, I didn't mention this before, but I have a lazy eye that didn't' really bother me until about a year ago right before all this happened. About a month before I got DP, I started to get double vision often, and my eye would turn in if I wasn't focusing it, which caused me intense anxiety because I thought people would give me dirty looks and make fun of me if they saw my eye going inwards. Anyway, back to now I have 24/7 double vision with or without my contacts, and I'll only be able to see normally if I focus very hard on something and look straight at it. My depth perception is messed up due to it, so everything feels even more like a dream. All this is normal for a lazy eye, but since I have anxiety problems, it exaggerates it, and causes me to panic because I'm afraid to talk to anyone due to seeing two of them, and in fear they'll notice my eye start to turn in. I've came to notice I'll be fine without racing thoughts, or any sort of DPD feeling until I notice how bad my eyesight is, and then all the racing thoughts set in about my eye turning in and embarrassing me, thus causing intense DPD to come on. It's VERY hard not to think about it because I'm seeing two different visions at once, and it causes SUPER bad headaches which make everything worse. I've finally saved up enough money to head to the eye doctor and maybe get a new prescription, and maybe told as to why my eye is doing this even with my contacts in. Hopefully it's because my eyes need a stronger prescription and I can go back to what I was like before being able to see normally and not worry about my eye turning in causing double vision. I do believe my eyes are the root of my anxiety problems, because like I said, there will be no DPD and I will feel normal until I notice my eyes and start to think about it, and BOOM that's when DPD hits me and it'll last for days.

What I'm getting at is: Depersonalization is caused by YOUR anxiety, YOUR thoughts, YOUR fears. It's different for everybody because everyone has different fears, and everyone thinks differently. That is why some supposed "cures" for DPD work for some people, and not for others. Your mind is playing tricks on you, fooling you into thinking you have something sinister wrong with you, when in reality it's just your fears causing bad, racing thoughts, so your brain shuts down your emotions causing the DPD feeling and making it to where you have brain fog and all the other symptoms because you're so focused on something being wrong, that you can't focus on the outside world so your brain becomes exhausted and overloaded trying to find a problem that isn't there.

I've read so many recovery stories of people finding the root of their anxiety, and overcoming it, thus overcoming depersonalization. My anxiety is caused from my eyesight, and once I get that fixed, hopefully I can move on without worry and eventually become "recovered" like many before me.

I will keep you guys updated on what happens, and maybe I'll be posting in the recovered section very soon.

Sorry if there's alot to read, lmao. I have no one else to really talk to this about, so typing this helped me express my thoughts and helped me feel better, and I hope reading this helps a lot of you feel better as well.
 

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YAAAAWWWWWWN.

I accept this, I understand the anxiety loop and help many members myself try and get out of it, what I don't accept is that this is everyones problem.

Kill anxiety thoughts is great.... if you have them. I have no inner monologue (without Mirtazapine) so stop thinking about nothing isn't really an option.

I came across strong, I believe YOUR DP could be caused by "by YOUR anxiety, YOUR thoughts, YOUR fears" to quote you. I don't have thoughts, so nothing to be anxious about and certainly have no fears.

I still think this is valid, but sometimes anxiety is not caused by a thought. It's like being deeply depressed, which I have before, I never had a reason or i'd simply get a list of things and tick them off and it would go poof.

I do wish you a speedy recovery, i'm just saying, sometimes it's a bit more than not worrying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Sometimes I have no thoughts, but that is only when I think I have no thoughts that I have no thoughts. Pretty weird to think about, yeah? You must still have thoughts to be able to type what you just did, as a person with no thoughts wouldn't be able to do something like that, I just think you've gone so long with suffering with it that your mind is extremely tired and depressed, and your brain can't focus on any one thought at once thus causing a masking sensation to stop overwhelming thoughts from completely over stimulating your brain.

Then again, that is just speculation and I don't know you well enough to say such things, but I hope you get better as well, and you recover someday.

DPD is a pain we all share.
 

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Sometimes I have no thoughts, but that is only when I think I have no thoughts that I have no thoughts. Pretty weird to think about, yeah? You must still have thoughts to be able to type what you just did, as a person with no thoughts wouldn't be able to do something like that, I just think you've gone so long with suffering with it that your mind is extremely tired and depressed, and your brain can't focus on any one thought at once thus causing a masking sensation to stop overwhelming thoughts from completely over stimulating your brain.

Then again, that is just speculation and I don't know you well enough to say such things, but I hope you get better as well, and you recover someday.

DPD is a pain we all share.
Sorry I came across strong. I agree with the title just generalisations are hard in this... I'd have agreed in the early days maybe.

I haven't had a thought for 2 years since my 3 month trial of Mirtazapine, it's very chemical. I don't mean I can't make thoughts, I mean I have NOOOOO inner monologue, some call it freedom, but when you can stare into space and not even think 'what am I going to have for dinner' it's not as great as it sounds. I don't get anxiety, i could and did work in front of big crowds, I had no anxiety as I had no thoughts to create anxiety.. what's to be scared when you feel like a door matt?

I do talk to a lot of members who have a high inner monologue and the anxiety is how you describe, but that's why there is two sides to this coin, i am in the 'so numb, i've no bad thoughts, scared of nothing etc'. I agree, my brain took overload and instead of letting the thoughts consume me, it blanked them all. By thinking 'any one thought' you are wrong. I have NONE, it's hard to imagine. I am just glad Mirtazapine gave me some back, so I got to realise in time it will come back, on or off medication. (I plan to get back on them, in fact next month)...

I am no longer in the 'I hope".. I know I will recover, it's when....

Sorry I didn't mean to come across negative. Your title is perfect, the generalisation, not so much. I agree that it still could all be anxiety causing my brain to shut off, i just don't have any of the worries of someone with anxiety, who cares anyway.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Just thought I'd post this since I'm feeling normal today. Today is the first day in almost a year that I've actually felt normal. So last night at around 9 I was very very tired, and I usually don't sleep til 3 am so 9 PM and being tired was odd for me. My DP had flared up big time, and I was forced to lay down and go to sleep because I felt extremely weak and tired with random thoughts floating through my head causing it to give me a headache as well. I was going in and out of being awake and being asleep for about 20 mins before I fell asleep. Woke up at 3 am and felt extremely different, something I haven't felt in months, but I still had some DP feeling. Stayed up til 9 am and went back to sleep until 1 pm in the afternoon. Upon waking I felt extremely calm and excited because I felt no DP at all. It's been like that all day, and I still feel completely normal with no DP and I can't even remember what it feels like. Hopefully this is recovery, or at least a glimpse of it. This makes me wonder, could DP also be related to your sleep cycle, and does REM sleep play a role in this? I'll get back to you guys in a few days to give an update.
 
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