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Hello guys! I am new here!

I think I have DRDP. I am not looking for you guys to diagnose me. I just wanna share how I feel. I googled "not feeling my feelings" which led me to an article about dissociation and then I found out what DRDP is. I've been witnessing abuse from a very young age (I am 22 now), I have memory loss of traumatic experience and also experience identity confusion. After researching dissociation I figured out that I've been basically dissociating my whole life one way or another, but it is this "thing" I experience for the past 4 years that's driving me insane.

How I feel : When I am alone and this happens out of the blue I feel strange but I let it pass. I just feel drunk and completely out of touch. Time moves fast and I experience a confusion that I do not pay attention to because I can't really function to think or feel anything other than freaked out.

My movements are slow, my hands feel heavy as if someone just grabs them and moves them around even though I do know I am the one moving them. Walking is hard, I feel as if I am drunk, I prefer sitting or laying down.

When this happens and I am actually out in public with people and I have to interact, I panic. I panic because I know I HAVE TO function and push myself to do so... while I hear and comprehend what they are saying (with difficulty), I do not really feel what they are saying to me and that makes me feel strange. I don't empathize like I usually do. I usually reply "normally" to them, but I don't feel the things that I am saying to them. Sometimes I just can't focus and I don't elaborate on my replies like I usually do.

When I am finally fine and reflect on my conversations with people I feel guilty, as If I am a sociopath or something and wonder whether I am capable of actually harming people because I can't empathize.

I don't have visual distortions and I don't pay attention to my surroundings or to anything visual, like the room around me, or my reflection in the mirror... When I look at myself in the mirror I think nothing of it. I don't feel detached or peculiar about anything visual.

I just feel strange in general. And I feel emotionally numb. And people around me that are in motion make me feel uncomfortable, as if they shouldn't really be able to move. I usually can't even feel the music that I am listening to.

All of these make it hard to function in this world. It's hard for me to study or interact or connect with people I love. I isolate myself a lot. It gets really unbearable sometimes and I just wanna sit down and cry. :( I am thinking of seeing a therapist as soon as I gather the money.
 
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