I know what I am about to write is not the most uplifting topic but I think I just need to vent a bit. I have been dealing with DP/DR since I was 19 years old and I am 35 now. It has not all been bad, I have had many years when I was in recovery but have never been able to go more than two years without having an episode that would last about 6 months and I would never return the same. Every time I go through an episode I lose something i.e. a job, a friend, part of my soul. This time I have lost a couple things and I am not sure I can live without them. About two years ago I met what I considered my soul mate, everything was going great and an episode hit and eventually we broke up because the dp/dr had such a tight hold on me I could no longer be myself. I also lost my love for playing and watching hockey, this is something that has been part of my soul since I was a kid and its almost as if I woke up one day and that piece of me was gone. I have had two psychiatric hospitalizations over a five year period, been on more medications than I can count, and even tried rTMS none of which have worked. I know this is the worst it has ever been because the only soothing thoughts I have are the ones in which I am dying, every day I think of how I might kill myself, but I always come to the same conclusion that I am to scared to do it and never will do it. Lately I have been thinking about hurling myself off of a parking garage. Like most people with these thoughts I truly don't want to die but just want the pain to end. If you're reading this I am not currently In danger of ending my life but feel it may be on the horizon in then near future.