Depersonalization Support Forum banner

I think I am nearing the end

1540 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  LizFerret
Hi All,

I know what I am about to write is not the most uplifting topic but I think I just need to vent a bit. I have been dealing with DP/DR since I was 19 years old and I am 35 now. It has not all been bad, I have had many years when I was in recovery but have never been able to go more than two years without having an episode that would last about 6 months and I would never return the same. Every time I go through an episode I lose something i.e. a job, a friend, part of my soul. This time I have lost a couple things and I am not sure I can live without them. About two years ago I met what I considered my soul mate, everything was going great and an episode hit and eventually we broke up because the dp/dr had such a tight hold on me I could no longer be myself. I also lost my love for playing and watching hockey, this is something that has been part of my soul since I was a kid and its almost as if I woke up one day and that piece of me was gone. I have had two psychiatric hospitalizations over a five year period, been on more medications than I can count, and even tried rTMS none of which have worked. I know this is the worst it has ever been because the only soothing thoughts I have are the ones in which I am dying, every day I think of how I might kill myself, but I always come to the same conclusion that I am to scared to do it and never will do it. Lately I have been thinking about hurling myself off of a parking garage. Like most people with these thoughts I truly don't want to die but just want the pain to end. If you're reading this I am not currently In danger of ending my life but feel it may be on the horizon in then near future.
See less See more
  • Like
Reactions: 2
1 - 1 of 5 Posts
I suffered dp for 40 years, since age 17. I had severe temporal lobe seizures then, but didn't understand what happened to me for 40 years.

I found a case history in a British neurological journal at age 57, that explained I was suffering from a rare epileptic disorder

and the worst case is when the post ictal period following the seizures segues into an affective disorder of major depression.

I had a recurrent episode of major depression on average, every 8 years. Each was an epic struggle for survival. My illness ended

in 2014, when I underwent Electroconvulsive therapy. I had an induced grand mal seizure every other day for 2 weeks. I would say

those seizures reversed the effects of the seizures I had at age 17. It was as if my firmware had been restored to factory

defaults. I don't own stock in any electrical utility. ECT is still the most effective treatment for major depression, despite all the big Pharma

hype over pharmaceuticals. Maybe you should look into it.

In the previous six years, I haven't considered suicide as an option.
See less See more
  • Like
Reactions: 1
1 - 1 of 5 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.