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I think I am nearing the end

1539 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  LizFerret
Hi All,

I know what I am about to write is not the most uplifting topic but I think I just need to vent a bit. I have been dealing with DP/DR since I was 19 years old and I am 35 now. It has not all been bad, I have had many years when I was in recovery but have never been able to go more than two years without having an episode that would last about 6 months and I would never return the same. Every time I go through an episode I lose something i.e. a job, a friend, part of my soul. This time I have lost a couple things and I am not sure I can live without them. About two years ago I met what I considered my soul mate, everything was going great and an episode hit and eventually we broke up because the dp/dr had such a tight hold on me I could no longer be myself. I also lost my love for playing and watching hockey, this is something that has been part of my soul since I was a kid and its almost as if I woke up one day and that piece of me was gone. I have had two psychiatric hospitalizations over a five year period, been on more medications than I can count, and even tried rTMS none of which have worked. I know this is the worst it has ever been because the only soothing thoughts I have are the ones in which I am dying, every day I think of how I might kill myself, but I always come to the same conclusion that I am to scared to do it and never will do it. Lately I have been thinking about hurling myself off of a parking garage. Like most people with these thoughts I truly don't want to die but just want the pain to end. If you're reading this I am not currently In danger of ending my life but feel it may be on the horizon in then near future.
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Hey man,

Well if I can offer some insight I have a similar pattern to you of relapse and recovery, i have for 15 years.

The trick for us is learning how not to relapse. For me it means I can't go fast n hard, cannot neglect sleep. No drugs or shinnanigans. My brain simply cannot cope with it.

You WILL recover from this bout eventually, then you must figure out the dots to prevent the next one.

I have lost so much to DP too. Career, girlfriend. It doesn't matter anymore.

Find your strength and don't give up. You do not know what tommorow will bring.

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