[Rolah]

I don't really have many people that I can talk to. I believe that before I had DP I had major depression for about 4 years, that steadily moved into DP instead. It's been that way for many years now, about 14 or so. A general not there-ness instead of the deep sorrow and sadness... sheer despair.

But these days I have been getting these sudden feelings in the pit of my stomach, like dread. Impending doom. Even a sense of not wanting to live. That is a first. It's not a violent impulse of I'm going to do anything, but a general sense of I'm just truly too tired and I don't know if I wanna do this anymore. I wouldn't mind if I went away. I'm crying writing this.

I've been crying the past few hours. I've tried to distract myself, meditate, pray, talk to people. But I'm in the same place.

And I feel bad. Really really bad.... and full of grief and guilt about all the people I've failed. And how alone I feel. And how there's a big empty hole in my insides that I can't seem to fix. I really tried. I really wanted to.

I just want someone to know that.

-------------
I hope that tomorrow brings a better day. But as of right now... all I feel is so much sadness that it feels like I could die in my sleep, from it. Please pray for me.

 

[whatisthiswhereami]

It certainly sounds like depression. What an awful feeling. I have been there too. This very low point you are feeling will eventually go away, and you will feel better. Even if just by a little bit.

 

[NoDevils]

It does sound like depression and maybe anxiety. You mentioned it likely has something to do with your social isolation. Most depression is influenced by people's life situations, so that is consistent.

When I had depersonalization I sought a lot of treatment and ended up receiving group therapy. In the therapy I laughed, occasionally cried, etc. Even though I was severely depersonalized I still experienced emotions. In my opinion it's never safe to believe your emotions are gone, not even when you feel emotionless.