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I remember when I first recovered

2955 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  inspiredpoet
I've been interacting a lot lately with the DP forum. It might partly be because I'm on vacation. This evening, I was reading another post about someone who said they recovered from DP by dieting and eating well, (I like to advocate food for healing) and as I was commenting on his post I started to reflect on the time when I fully recovered from DP..... instead of leaving what i had wrote on his thread Ill copy and paste it here


...I remember the time period when I recovered. It was a span of a few months. I was intentionally becoming very intimately engaged with myself as I was describing above. When eating food I would connect with the food, peeling a cucumber, slicing a tomatoe, picking out the seeds in a watermelon. I would examine the food, the colors, the texture, I would feel it and try to understand where it came from. It came from the Earth. It came from a plant, another kind of living creature. It seemed ironic, food that is perfectly healthy for me grows naturally out of the ground. I began to appreciate the basic goodness of things, simple things. The sun that comes up everyday. The trees whose leaves rustle in the wind. The rain. Drinking cups. Forks. Pillows. Simple things.

I made taking showers a very intimate and gentle process. A time for connecting to my body. I had a soft sponge and with an organic, soft soap I would bath myself very carefully. I washed all parts of my body. I bathed very slowly and carefully in between my toes not to miss any part of myself. This was a time of self discovery for me and RELAXATION. I was more appreciative of the bathing process then I had ever been. As I would bath I noticed the veins throughout my body and I could feel my heart pumping blood through the veins. Hair on my legs and arms. How alive the body is. How present and pure the body is. A very fine vessel. A living organism. As I washed my feet I would feel the sponge against my skin, I could feel the outside of my feet. And then I would feel the inside of my feet from inside my foot. And I would feel my arms from inside my arms. I would feel all parts of my body from inside my body. And I wanted to stay like this, to season like this. Taking showers during this period of time was a very healing, spiritual practice. Needless to say, I spent many hours in the shower.

The gentleness, respect, and intimacy that i would have bathing myself went with me back into my room and I would put on a nice scent. Sometimes some gentle music, only if I loved it. And I cleaned my room very nicely and arranged my things in a loving way. My linens and clothes were very clean and comfortable. My room became an art project. I would hang beautiful paintings on the wall and arrange them in a way that I enjoyed. I had little ornaments that each one of them had a special meaning to me and I put them in special places in the room. And I took the same gentleness, respect, appreciation, and love into my yard and into my kitchen and I tried to take it with me every where I would go.

I began to view my body as something sacred. Even though I didnt know who or what I was I understood enough that my body was an existential phenomena that is as much a part of existence as the whole earth is. A real living speciman, in live time. I did know that much. I thought later I might discover or understand more what I am. But, at this time, my body was a mysterious phenomena of unknown origins. I was existing and my body was existing, i did know that. And I appreciated that I didnt know more except that the whole universe, including myself, and my body was all happening. Happening as a verb. I even started to see trees as verbs instead of as nouns. Something existence is doing. A real scientific, living, phenomena. To me, was very interesting and exciting. As the whole universe happens perfectly on its own so does the body. And it all happens at exactly the same time, right now. And so my exercise became intimate. Stretching became intimate, I would stretch very carefully and to feel all the parts of the muscles. I would message the muscles too. I wanted to take very good care of this thing that was my body. And so I did. It was like I was discovering myself for the first time.

Sometime during a span of a month or maybe two I had lost the DP. I cant remember exactly when it left but it left. I had hard times after this time period, for sure. But DP was gone.
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I understand the importance of you relationship with your body. I have not fully recovered. I am actually in one of the most intense places I have been in years. The reason for this is because I started working out, doing yoga and eating well. I also take a lot more time grooming. For years I had been completely emotionally numb. With all the time spent using my body I starting feeling emotions again. Most of them are anxiety, sadness and depression, but they are feelings. The hard part with grooming is seeing myself in the mirror and seeing how glazed over my eyes are and how my face is blank. Although it is upsetting to see myself this way, I have at least become aware of what is going on with me. So being in tune with my body has been the beginning of the change of my relationship with DP. I hope that over time this leads to recovery for me too.
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