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It was a beautiful summer night, I remember feeling the warm breeze, hearing the sound of waves, chatting with friends about our future goals whilst watching the sea. I had all my plans set out for my future, I was in my third year of law school and I had a good paying job. I thought to myself ''this is it'' you have done it mate! after all the laughter and giggles, things got a little weird. Let me explain, one of my close buddies lit up a joint and started to pass it around, I saw everyone take tokes and laugh, it came to me but I kindly declined, but then I was encouraged to do it because it was considered safe and was even used in modern medicine to help people who have underlying stress. I did not think much of it and took a few tokes.

Shortly after, I felt a form of detachment not from reality at first, but from myself. It felt as though I have left my body and my heart was beating fast, as if it was going to jump out of my chest. I was drenched in sweat and I was panicking. I started to experience thoughts that I never thought of before or even if I did it was disregarded, for example, ''is life real'' or ''am I real''. At the very moment, life became meaningless to me, all I did was question my reality and myself. I remember deeply crying to my friend in the car and telling him that something is wrong, but all he did was tell me that it was a bad trip. I remember getting into my bed that night shitting bricks and hoping that it would be gone by the morning, but that day was where my 5 year journey had began.

I woke up the next morning feeling numb, disconnected followed by a blurry vision. I saw my mum and freaked out, my own mother looked FUCKING alien to me. I started to freak out more and more. I remember typing into google 'feeling unreal' and came across foreign terms such as ''dp and dr''. I quickly found this page and read horror stories, literally! I read some posts written by people who have had the condition for 5,10 and even 20 years. It was only natural to freak out and I did. My memories were distorted and did not feel as my own. I could not laugh or cry, I was basically a vegetable.

I lived through this every single day for 4 years, until I had the courage to step outside of my house, I had dropped out of law school and quit my job. I gave up on my dreams, my future, my loved ones and sadly on my self. I felt broken.. I felt lost, I felt dead. I was living on this site, literally. 15 hours a day was a minimum, at this time I was obsessed with my disorder and the only thoughts I had for 4 years was dp/dr related. I remember going outside after 4 years and looking around, at the sky, trees, people, things just looked painted and at this point I just got worse. I decided to never leave my room again after this one time out.

Sadly, after 4.5 years of having dp/dr I planned to commit suicide and I had figured a way to do it, I was going to jump off a building. I remember going to the location I set, to finish off this misery forever. As I was walking up the stairs to the top floor, I remember my legs feeling like jelly, I was ready to let go but for some reason my body and mind were telling me to stop, but I did not. I got to the top floor, it was a cold winter afternoon. I remember thinking ''this is it, I have tried therapy, medicine, support groups, every fucking possible thing that should of helped, but no! I am broken forever''. I walked to the edge and was a step away from death. I remember closing my eyes and for the first time in 4 years and a half, I felt tears rushing down my cheeks, I felt all this pain release from my body, but the was not enough to stop me. As I was ready to take that step, a cleaner grabbed my arm and pulled me away. He was watching me the whole time. I remember falling to the ground and crying, I did not fight back, I had given up for some reason. He hugged me as I cried, I didn't even know this guy but he showed love. It moved me and triggered some emotions. I was locked up in psychiatric ward for two months, I got a little better, enough not to attempt suicide again.

I remember approximately the 4.8 y/m mark, I was in the shower one night, I closed my eyes as the water was running through my hair and something magical happened! I opened my eyes and things looked normal.. I cried and cried. I remember going outside and laying on the grass, watching the stars, I finally laughed for real again. I felt the beautiful breeze of spring, I just could not stop crying that night, I stayed up just all-night just to watch the sunrise in-case I got dp/dr again, but I didn't. I remember hearing birds, I honestly went for the biggest walk, I was exploring reality again.

Fast forward, after 5 the year mark I had fully recovered. I graduated from law school and I am currently practicing law. I am best buddies with the cleaner that saved my life and I have changed as a person, for the better.

I know it is hard, but hang in there! because it is going to be okay.

This is my story, I hope it touched your souls.
 
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