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I really need help

1682 Views 15 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Thatgirlbrooke
Hi, so I've come to terms with my dp/dr and I have a good idea of what started it but my mind keeps coming up with new scary stuff and it's driving me nuts. I've had depersonalization and derealization for probably 2-4 weeks now.. I know from stories it can be long term as well but I keep coming back to "reality" every now and then so I'd like some advice on the recovery process and why I'm having these new thoughts

I'm sorry if I go too into detail with everything, I really need help and this site is the only thing keeping me sane, I've looked up stories and stories and finally decided to register here.

Let me start by saying how I think this started.

I've always had mild anxiety and I've never lost that much family, however I've held stuff in over the years, my brother and dad have been in and out of hard drugs it gets my anxiety going but I've always learned how to cope with it. I was the happiest person, very social, got along with everyone, im funny I'm confident my life was/ I hope still is great, nothing could tear me down. I've been fine up until a month ago.
My work has been scheduling me 6 days a week and being a server that's already stressful and they were pushing a lot of stuff on me, my brother got his jaw broken and got back into stuff, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, I lost my house because I was drinking every single night as I have been the past year or two with few days off in between, but when I'd stop for a week or two because of work I'd feel fine, no withdrawals just happy old me traveling to nature centers and waterfalls enjoying life laying on my hammocks and reading books, anyways I smoked marijuana sometimes but didn't really like to because of how much it made me think, well this festival was going on and I went there after all this stuff recently happened and decided it was a good idea to do acid, I've done it before but never when I had this much going on st once and it happened to be the first time visually intensely tripping, (I've only done it a few times before this) and I went into a bad trip which happened at night time I thought I died and everything until my brother met up with me and brought me out of it and Then once that trip started wearing off I stayed up for three days because I kept doing more, smoking and drinking. After that I went home and tried sleeping and had a terrible dream and woke up unable to move , I'm guessing it was a little episode of sleep paralysis or something but after that it hasn't happened again. The next few days I was fine and I felt like my normal self for a few weeks, went back to drinking every night and ended up dating this guy who I'm still with and everything was going wonderful then one night I snoked while I was drinking and went into deep deep thougjt and I still remember the moment I sent myself into dp/dr most previous moment feeling like I'm connected to everything. I didn't know what it was, it wasn't even that bad, I just felt anxiety come on and thought I had a head cold when I woke up the next morning, then as days went on I felt more wierd and I recognized that I was having anxiety so I looked up my symptoms and self diagnosed myself , that same night I woke up out of a dead sleep and I had the full blown 100% feeling of both depersonalization AND derealization , I didn't know what was going on and I called my mom and told her I was having bad thoughts about hurting myself because I couldn't handle the feeling. I went to the hospital and he diagnosed me with dp/dr and put me on gabapentin and upped my dosage on my limictal(bipolar medication) and the doctor told me I could only get better from there and that thought repeats in my head every single day.

The first few days after the hospital were terrible. I kept trying and trying to understand what was going on with me and I just couldn't. I cried at least 15 times a day broke down switching from my boyfriends to my moms, couldn't complete a full shift at work, every time I went outside I thought my brain was going to pop. My boyfriends been through it too so he literally drags me out of the room into the living room to hang out around people and socialize which does help but I have these helpless moments that I'm not going to get Better.

So this is what I'm seeing every time it comes on:
*fuzzyness like a tv screen / black dots gray dots in front of my eyes

* in my preferal vision it looks like the grass is moving or the fuzzyness is in the grass making it look like a ton of little bugs in there ( I'm not seeing the insects just fuzzy stuff in my oreferal vision again)

* it looks like I'm in a dream, my actual DREAMS feel more real than what I'm seeing and feeling.

* when I drive or do anything it's like I'm looking over the shoulder of someone else doing it..

* objects look closer than they are

* it's like I'm looking at everything through the camera on my phone..

And this is the most of my worries, my thoughts :

* feels like I'm going insane

* I fear that I'm going to start seeing and things that aren't there

* I fear I'm going to forget words, people, things

* I fear I'm going to die any minute

* when I'm happy while still in a dp/dr episode I feel like I'm in heaven or stuck in some dream

* I'm having thoughts about death, I tried closing my eyes to dream tonight and can only think of clowns, scary movies, incoherent people and ghosts, violence

* I keep realizing over and over again that I am alive and thinking " holy shit I'm a person this is life wow"

* I keep thinking that if I think I go crazy my minds powerful enough to make me crazy and forget the world..

* I keep thinking I must have died and I'm walking around waiting to go to heaven

* I keep thinking I'm stuck in a trip

All of these are very disturbing and I'm wondering if any one else thinks any of these thoughts too

I find it harder to cope with the dr/dp at nighttime and I'm not sure if I'm just traumatized from when I thought I died when I did acid or if it's just more intense/ or because I've always been scared to " die " at night time and I already am feeling this terrible.

BUT though those thoughts are going through my head tonight, the past few days I've been coming in and out of "reality" it might be the medicine kicking in but I've only been on it for one full week now so I know it's not at it's full effect but if I'm already coming back into I have hope I won't be like this much longer?? Are my thoughts normal for someone with dp/dr? What are some coping methods you use that makes you feel connected and what good things do you think about when you sleep? I feel like I can't think of anything good that I enjoy to get to bed because I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm so numb and sick of this .... I know that's a lot to take in , especially in one post, but someone PLEASE help me....
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I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I recently was struggling with DP/DR myself. I had no clue what it was but remembered going through something similar when I was in highschool. I thought I was going crazy and was stuck in the matrix. Totally tripped myself out for awhile. I have never done acid for the reason that I feel I am already someone who "trips" out without even needing drugs so I thought it might be a bad idea.i have tried other drugs and never had a problem with them. I am sober now though. I realized alcohol aggravated all my dp/Dr symptoms so it was best to stay away. I struggle with anxiety too and I can tell you what has taken me from regularly feeling like an 8/10 on the anxiety/dp/Dr scale to being a 3/10.
First, I came to the realization that all the things I think are just thoughts. They aren't truth. Just because I'm thinking something doesn't mean it has any meaning behind it. People have weird thoughts! This site is a perfect example of how humans have odd thoughts and it doesn't make them true. I also realized I was lacking alot of meaning in my life. I had no connection to my spiritual side, wasn't eating nutrient dense food and never exercised. My soul, mind and body were not being taken care of! I then realized I was having a spiritual/life Awakening. I needed more from my life and I needed to take care of me. Once I became aware I started making changes. I didn't feel results right away but that was ok! I'm someone who expects to see results instantly and that isn't how it works. These things take time! It's a journey of healing. I also was using CBD in the beginning which helped ease my anxiety some without any psychoactive scariness. I have since stopped using it regularly and only sometimes use it when I feel I really really need it. I discovered the benefits of using herbal medicine instead of pharmaceutical meds. I highly recommend this. There are little to no side effects from herbal remedies. I would suggest ashwaganda and lemonbalm for use during the day and kava and passionflower for night use. Please research these before taking them. Don't use these unless you are certain your medicine won't interact with them. I would say don't use them at all until you are off pharmaceutical meds if you choose to go this route. Herbal remedies have been a complete game changer for me. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them. I believe nature has cure for every one of our ailments.thats just me though. I am still trying to get exercise and meditation incorporated daily into my routine. I've learned that sitting with your thoughts instead of forcing them away or pushing them down is also important. Allow them to come into your mind. Even welcome them. They are part of me and I am grateful I am so creative and imaginative that I can come up with them! Treat them like you would treat them as a kid. You would think "cool, what an interesting thought!" You wouldn't get all hung up on it and think "omg what does that thought I crazy..oh no I'm going crazy" allow them to come in and out instead of grasping at them. I know that is hard to do but once you start allowing thoughts to just be you realize they cant hurt you. Your reaction to the thought is what ends up hurting you. I also tell myself I don't want to be in a battle with myself. In this day and age when everything and everyone seems to be battling the last person I want to fight is me. I came into this world with myself and I will leave it with myself. I am becoming my own best friend instead of my enemy.i would seek out a spiritual teacher/healer and maybe have some energy work done. See what parts of you are out of sync. These are all just tools to use but the real healing comes from inside you. Decide you want to heal and you will. The universe/god/goddess only gives you as much as you can handle. These hard times will lead you to your highest potential. You got this. I promise. Never give up and believe you will succeed.
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